Welcome To The Nuthouse

Today is the first day in a while where I actually feel at least a little like myself again

Remember I said I wasn’t going to join in with my older brothers birthday, well don’t judge me, but I did, I wasn’t going to, I don’t know what changed my mind, boredom, guilt perhaps, It didn’t help that i was told that if I didn’t show up, the night wouldn’t go ahead

They had told everyone else the night was off, as the plan was for my brother an his girlfriend to go for a nice meal together etc as they don’t see each other as often now, but that was cancelled, she said that the two of them, my brother an her, can’t drink alone together, so I felt a little pressure

I knew other people would show up regardless, but I went, I went at about half nine saturday night, an didn’t get home until half five monday morning, I may have indulged in some illegal substances, that’s all I’ll say, I know, I’m ashamed already

It was a night of everyone shouting over each other, an talking behind each others backs, yet it was fun, there was seven of us in total, three of which were friends of my older brother an his girlfriend, they are people we never see outside of a ‘party’ atmosphere, my younger brother came the next day an joined in also, by the end I was so tired, an was losing my voice, everyone behaved an there was no trouble, which was good

I left at about half four monday morning, an got home about five am, I’ve never come home so late, because I try an be respectful to my mum an step dad, but I’d had enough an wanted out, I would have slipped in unnoticed, but the dog started barking as I was walking up the stairs

I always say never again, but who knows

That aside, my head is swirling with thoughts lately, you’d think my time was running out, I’m seeing all these things around me, that make me realise how small my life is, how I’m missing out, an that I haven’t lived the way I want to, how I’ve abused myself, an not taken care of myself either, I feel like I’m a failure in that respect, I just want to get myself to a place where I can accept who I am, inside an out, an go from there, which I’m willing to work for

I’m still lost, I don’t know what I want in life, some would say at twenty eight, its a bit late in life to still be searching for what you want, but if you read my blog, you’ll know I didn’t have a normal life, and with mental illness I’m clouded a lot of the time

I try not to complain, but a lot has been taken away from me, now, some days I’m so disorientated I have no choice but to stay in bed, I want to regain my mind back, I want to be in control, but a lot of the time, I’m not

My younger brother gave me a speech albeit when drunk, about how I need to get out there an meet someone, though my family don’t understand that I’m so unhappy within myself, that I couldn’t be with someone right now, even though I have tried dating, an met up etc which I admitted to, I hadn’t mentioned it to them before, because my brothers judge on looks, an then start asking questions about sex, which they see as fine, but I’m a private person, if they want to go into detail about themselves that’s ok, I just don’t

I need to get out from under, I need to be free, yet I’m afraid to go it alone, I need someone to help me fly so to speak, then let go an I’ll spread my wings, does that make sense?

As I said, my mum isn’t ready for me to go, but I am, I might leave it another year, I don’t know, the other day my mum admitted that she’d been bingeing on sweets etc, then making herself sick, its hard to listen to, because I shouldn’t think about just myself, but I need someone around me who is strong, an who I can turn to, an feel I’m safe with, an I’m realising, I don’t have that, have I ever, maybe in that respect, I’m stronger than I think, because I feel I’ve relied on others, when really I haven’t, I’ve gone it alone so many times, an I’m actually the person people turn to, I’m not as helpless as I lead myself to believe

Its time for me to get help again, I need a little boost to get back on track

Finding My Separate Identity

My whole life, I’ve been searching for a separate identity, I’ve realised that i don’t want to be known as just some ones son, or some ones brother anymore

I’ve spent so much time dreaming of a life, a future, that I haven’t really lived, I’ve had some really great moments in life, some amazing experiences, yet as I’m getting older, I feel regret a lot, I’m only twenty eight, so I know I still have time, but I also know that life doesn’t wait around for you to make up your mind

I do feel sad sometimes when I allow myself to think back on certain memories, wishing I had a second chance to do things differently, though at the same time I wouldn’t change anything, because regrets can make you take more chances in life

Times in life that were perhaps not so good, can also be positive, if I can explain this properly, being in foster care was a life that most people will never see, its like living many different lives, in a way I feel I have lived a few times, with each foster parent or family, it was a new start, a new beginning, a whole new life and journey

I feel this new urge to try an live a little more, to say yes to things I would normally avoid, things I haven’t already lived

Saying that, as you know I have been going out a lot more lately, an somewhat living the life of a regular person, which I’m enjoying, I’m in a transitional period where I want an actual life, I’m ready to burst this bubble I’ve been living in, an I’m ready to carve a new path of my own, separate from my family, I’m tired of feeling like I’m being held back an weighed down

I’m beginning to be more honest with myself, an I’m opening my eyes to what’s going on around me

My family are becoming a burden to my life, we may have fun together, but its time to start creating more space between each other, I’ve been standing still with them for so long, living in each others pockets, its like I’ve been trapped in a time loop, being around them at times feels just how it did ten years ago, nothing ever changes, its time one of us steps forward and breaks the bond

My brothers, were drinking yet again last week, and had been for a couple of days, this story is getting old now

My younger brother called to our house at half four in the morning again, waking us all up, asking for money and just being a drunken nuisance as always, what is it with him, and coming to our house at half four?

On thursday past, my mum an step dad called up to visit my brothers, an my aunt, as they often do, I had went with them but had gotten dropped off in town, as I didn’t want to be around them with them drinking, luckily as I walked back to meet up with my mum an step dad again, they were ready to go home

My younger brother had followed my mum out to the car to say goodbye, an to give her a hug etc, I quickly got into the car, and snibbed the door, as I know how he is when drunk, wanting to hug you an being sloppy, he didn’t like that fact an was saying how he couldn’t believe his own brother wouldn’t hug him an whatever, to which I brought up how he disrespects us, he didn’t like me being honest, because he never hears the truth

Mostly I was annoyed because he was being treated like nothing happened, I told mum that being nice to him, was just like forgiveness, to which she said she couldn’t talk to him properly while he was drinking, an that she told him not to be doing it again, no surprise then, when I woke up the next morning to his voice, he had called to our house again, I don’t care that it was at a reasonable time, I’m done with it all

When drunk he sometimes walks into my room, which I don’t like people doing, he walked on into my room, I told him to leave, but he wouldn’t listen, sometimes he smiles or laughs like its a joke, finally I told him that when I get this money I was awarded, he was getting nothing from me, that stirred the pot of course, he left my room, an I could hear him talking to our mum about me, cursing and calling me names

After a few minutes he walked into my room again, telling me never to do anything for him again, I just said ok, he’s over emotional when drunk, a mess really, he feels easily portrayed which sets him off, I can’t be bothered with him anymore

He still sees me as the boy he grew up with in foster care, we were all each other really had for our whole childhood, but I’ve changed, I’m not that same person, I moved home at seventeen and we drifted apart, I’m not as close to him as I once was, even when we lived together, I saw him as a burden, I didn’t like being tied to him, an always being accused of being a bad influence on home, I wanted my own separate identity, as we got older, and finally moved into the childrens home, I found any excuse to distance myself from him

After he finally left our house, I was told he had left a message with our mum for me, which he made her swear to give to me, he said he didn’t want the money, more or less to shove it, then it ended with a word which was slang, the nice way to tell you without actually saying it is, basically it meant I was handicapped

I heard him call me a name as he passed by my room on the way out also, an mum told me that she watched him give the fingers toward my bedroom window as he was walking away

My older brothers birthday is coming up, yet again it will be another excuse to drink all night, I’ve decided not to go, he’ll have plenty of others there, so I’m sure he won’t miss me too much, I don’t want that life anymore, these days going into a bar etc an having a couple of drinks an a laugh is enough for me

I told my mum, everything I’ve said here, a part of me felt like the words coming out of my mouth were wrong somehow, but it felt good to speak my mind, I can’t tell what will happen with me, or what I’ll finally decide to do, I only know how I feel, an how I’ve been feeling for some time now, I’m not happy, and my family are a big part of that