Welcome To The Nuthouse

Today is the first day in a while where I actually feel at least a little like myself again

Remember I said I wasn’t going to join in with my older brothers birthday, well don’t judge me, but I did, I wasn’t going to, I don’t know what changed my mind, boredom, guilt perhaps, It didn’t help that i was told that if I didn’t show up, the night wouldn’t go ahead

They had told everyone else the night was off, as the plan was for my brother an his girlfriend to go for a nice meal together etc as they don’t see each other as often now, but that was cancelled, she said that the two of them, my brother an her, can’t drink alone together, so I felt a little pressure

I knew other people would show up regardless, but I went, I went at about half nine saturday night, an didn’t get home until half five monday morning, I may have indulged in some illegal substances, that’s all I’ll say, I know, I’m ashamed already

It was a night of everyone shouting over each other, an talking behind each others backs, yet it was fun, there was seven of us in total, three of which were friends of my older brother an his girlfriend, they are people we never see outside of a ‘party’ atmosphere, my younger brother came the next day an joined in also, by the end I was so tired, an was losing my voice, everyone behaved an there was no trouble, which was good

I left at about half four monday morning, an got home about five am, I’ve never come home so late, because I try an be respectful to my mum an step dad, but I’d had enough an wanted out, I would have slipped in unnoticed, but the dog started barking as I was walking up the stairs

I always say never again, but who knows

That aside, my head is swirling with thoughts lately, you’d think my time was running out, I’m seeing all these things around me, that make me realise how small my life is, how I’m missing out, an that I haven’t lived the way I want to, how I’ve abused myself, an not taken care of myself either, I feel like I’m a failure in that respect, I just want to get myself to a place where I can accept who I am, inside an out, an go from there, which I’m willing to work for

I’m still lost, I don’t know what I want in life, some would say at twenty eight, its a bit late in life to still be searching for what you want, but if you read my blog, you’ll know I didn’t have a normal life, and with mental illness I’m clouded a lot of the time

I try not to complain, but a lot has been taken away from me, now, some days I’m so disorientated I have no choice but to stay in bed, I want to regain my mind back, I want to be in control, but a lot of the time, I’m not

My younger brother gave me a speech albeit when drunk, about how I need to get out there an meet someone, though my family don’t understand that I’m so unhappy within myself, that I couldn’t be with someone right now, even though I have tried dating, an met up etc which I admitted to, I hadn’t mentioned it to them before, because my brothers judge on looks, an then start asking questions about sex, which they see as fine, but I’m a private person, if they want to go into detail about themselves that’s ok, I just don’t

I need to get out from under, I need to be free, yet I’m afraid to go it alone, I need someone to help me fly so to speak, then let go an I’ll spread my wings, does that make sense?

As I said, my mum isn’t ready for me to go, but I am, I might leave it another year, I don’t know, the other day my mum admitted that she’d been bingeing on sweets etc, then making herself sick, its hard to listen to, because I shouldn’t think about just myself, but I need someone around me who is strong, an who I can turn to, an feel I’m safe with, an I’m realising, I don’t have that, have I ever, maybe in that respect, I’m stronger than I think, because I feel I’ve relied on others, when really I haven’t, I’ve gone it alone so many times, an I’m actually the person people turn to, I’m not as helpless as I lead myself to believe

Its time for me to get help again, I need a little boost to get back on track

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