All Encompassing

With having to deal with mental illness on a daily basis, you come to learn more about it, and even understand it a little better, sometimes even better than the doctors themselves, they would call this insight

What I’ve come to realise is that your environment can affect you greatly, you begin, I think to take your life an what encompasses it for granted, overlook it, its a sort of denial, because things become the norm

My brothers as you know were drinking again, fights started breaking out in the midst of it all, my brothers always invite others to come in an join them, then sometimes they all turn on each other

This was one of those times, my mum was called up to help, my aunt, as you know lives there also, and just puts up with it all, not through choice of course, when things get out of hand, the phone rings, asking for our mum to come up and help her

One of the boys that was there drinking with my brothers mother, ended up wanting to fight my mum, they just had words, but still crazy! Earlier in the day this women had slapped my younger brother across the face, so I guess it was an escalation from that, and also the fact my brothers were fighting with her son

I know nothing more than that, she sounds like a nut, but then I heard her family were forced to leave their last town, because they are a bunch of trouble makers

Just when it seemed things were calming down, later that evening my aunts front window got broken, there’s no evidence of who did it, but reading this, I’m sure you too can put the pieces together, its not the first time either, this is why I make a rare appearance on a night of drinking, I like a good night, a night to blow of steam, but I can’t handle the atmosphere, its just not for me

I’m glad we live on the other side of town, but as I’ve said, it doesn’t stop my younger brother landing to our house drunk in the early hours of the morning, shouting an banging on the door, mostly he wants money, lately we’ve just ignored him an he leaves

It is calmer here yes, but I also have my problems with how things are, mum an I have always gotten on well, and have only had one very small fall-out, I always have this yearning to be free, to be on my own, but my fears and illness keep me trapped here, until I’m strong enough to go it alone, I have no choice

Lately my mums started these new antidepressants that make you lose weight, she said they make her feel a lot of anger, so I hope nothing comes from that, though I haven’t noticed anything different in her mood, so she must be handling it ok

Its just another example of what life around me is like, that was the point in this post, its something out of my control, separate from my illness, yet affects me all the same, its unstable, unpredictable, and I have no one in my life that I can feel safe an grounded with

Life In Retrospect

I think I’m caught in an in between, its where you don’t really know how you feel, an you’re in a sort of bubble of denial

My biggest problems these days are for one, my memory, I’m forgetting everything, even simple things like what day it is, an where I’ve left things, not so serious, but it can be annoying, frustrating, and it leaves me feeling very uneasy and sometimes confused, not to mention making me look silly in front of people, especially when I try to keep a certain image with people who know me

Now its like I’m almost acting like myself, how I think I should, I’m playing the part of me! When I talk now, unlike before, its like I can’t make proper sentences, I’m fumbleing with my words, an I hardly make sense to myself never mind others, some days I feel so out of sorts, like I’m disorientated, I hate feeling that way, though saying all that, I have days where I’m completely fine, it comes an goes

I’ve had a bad relapse lately too weight wise, I’m bingeing an over-eating, its come to the point where barely any of my clothes fit me, yet I refuse to buy bigger sizes, I’ve always been a 32′ waist, I keep telling myself its ok, because I’ll loss the weight again, I have no energy, I’m becoming lazy, everything is an effort, because its like I have weights strapped to my body, it takes more effort to get up an do things, I know its all my own doing

Its hard enough for me to leave the house some days as it is, but this is making it worse, when I catch sight of myself in a shop window I suddenly feel exposed, an honestly could cry

I am still going out more often, taking more risks, and trying to live like a normal person as best I can, I don’t want to take too many steps backward, when I feel I’m doing better, when I finally get this claim money, I’m planning a complete life over-haul! I need to kill off this person I’ve become, metaphorically speaking of course

I think my mind is so clouded, an somehow have become somewhat na├»ve to my own daily life and what’s happening, I sometimes snap back to reality, an it feels like I’ve been on auto-pilot, or like someone else has been living my life through my body, I realise what’s been going on, an then I switch off again, I feel numb I guess

But I’d rather have all that, than being really depressed or worse

What would a post of mine be these days without a family drama update! My younger brother has met a new girl, let’s call her ‘new girl’ as I haven’t even met her yet, they have only known each other for about three months, an my brother already lives with her, in that time, she has already gotten pregnant, but sadly lost it

I shouldn’t have an opinion, as its not my life, but my younger brother wasn’t and is not ready for a child right now, this relationship already feels so rushed as it is, just the other day, the girl phoned us crying an was afraid, my brother got drunk, and was taking tablets, the girl, trying to help him, hid the tablets

My brother went crazy an threw her tv against the wall, I don’t know how long they will last together, its only been three months, and so much has happened in the relationship, the girl already has a child of her own, an doesn’t need to be around all that

My brothers are yet again drinking, and have been since friday, I think they finally gave up last night, my younger brother landed down here again on saturday night at half five in the morning, where in his mind does he think that’s ok? He was banging on the door an shouting ‘mum’ this time we ignored him, an he left

its my aunt I feel bad for, as you know they all live together, my brothers an her, she’s had about five hours sleep since friday, I sometimes wonder if our family life will ever resemble that of a normal family, or even close to one, maybe normal should be stable

I guess my life seems pretty good in comparison these days