Life In Retrospect

I think I’m caught in an in between, its where you don’t really know how you feel, an you’re in a sort of bubble of denial

My biggest problems these days are for one, my memory, I’m forgetting everything, even simple things like what day it is, an where I’ve left things, not so serious, but it can be annoying, frustrating, and it leaves me feeling very uneasy and sometimes confused, not to mention making me look silly in front of people, especially when I try to keep a certain image with people who know me

Now its like I’m almost acting like myself, how I think I should, I’m playing the part of me! When I talk now, unlike before, its like I can’t make proper sentences, I’m fumbleing with my words, an I hardly make sense to myself never mind others, some days I feel so out of sorts, like I’m disorientated, I hate feeling that way, though saying all that, I have days where I’m completely fine, it comes an goes

I’ve had a bad relapse lately too weight wise, I’m bingeing an over-eating, its come to the point where barely any of my clothes fit me, yet I refuse to buy bigger sizes, I’ve always been a 32′ waist, I keep telling myself its ok, because I’ll loss the weight again, I have no energy, I’m becoming lazy, everything is an effort, because its like I have weights strapped to my body, it takes more effort to get up an do things, I know its all my own doing

Its hard enough for me to leave the house some days as it is, but this is making it worse, when I catch sight of myself in a shop window I suddenly feel exposed, an honestly could cry

I am still going out more often, taking more risks, and trying to live like a normal person as best I can, I don’t want to take too many steps backward, when I feel I’m doing better, when I finally get this claim money, I’m planning a complete life over-haul! I need to kill off this person I’ve become, metaphorically speaking of course

I think my mind is so clouded, an somehow have become somewhat naïve to my own daily life and what’s happening, I sometimes snap back to reality, an it feels like I’ve been on auto-pilot, or like someone else has been living my life through my body, I realise what’s been going on, an then I switch off again, I feel numb I guess

But I’d rather have all that, than being really depressed or worse

What would a post of mine be these days without a family drama update! My younger brother has met a new girl, let’s call her ‘new girl’ as I haven’t even met her yet, they have only known each other for about three months, an my brother already lives with her, in that time, she has already gotten pregnant, but sadly lost it

I shouldn’t have an opinion, as its not my life, but my younger brother wasn’t and is not ready for a child right now, this relationship already feels so rushed as it is, just the other day, the girl phoned us crying an was afraid, my brother got drunk, and was taking tablets, the girl, trying to help him, hid the tablets

My brother went crazy an threw her tv against the wall, I don’t know how long they will last together, its only been three months, and so much has happened in the relationship, the girl already has a child of her own, an doesn’t need to be around all that

My brothers are yet again drinking, and have been since friday, I think they finally gave up last night, my younger brother landed down here again on saturday night at half five in the morning, where in his mind does he think that’s ok? He was banging on the door an shouting ‘mum’ this time we ignored him, an he left

its my aunt I feel bad for, as you know they all live together, my brothers an her, she’s had about five hours sleep since friday, I sometimes wonder if our family life will ever resemble that of a normal family, or even close to one, maybe normal should be stable

I guess my life seems pretty good in comparison these days


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