All Encompassing

With having to deal with mental illness on a daily basis, you come to learn more about it, and even understand it a little better, sometimes even better than the doctors themselves, they would call this insight

What I’ve come to realise is that your environment can affect you greatly, you begin, I think to take your life an what encompasses it for granted, overlook it, its a sort of denial, because things become the norm

My brothers as you know were drinking again, fights started breaking out in the midst of it all, my brothers always invite others to come in an join them, then sometimes they all turn on each other

This was one of those times, my mum was called up to help, my aunt, as you know lives there also, and just puts up with it all, not through choice of course, when things get out of hand, the phone rings, asking for our mum to come up and help her

One of the boys that was there drinking with my brothers mother, ended up wanting to fight my mum, they just had words, but still crazy! Earlier in the day this women had slapped my younger brother across the face, so I guess it was an escalation from that, and also the fact my brothers were fighting with her son

I know nothing more than that, she sounds like a nut, but then I heard her family were forced to leave their last town, because they are a bunch of trouble makers

Just when it seemed things were calming down, later that evening my aunts front window got broken, there’s no evidence of who did it, but reading this, I’m sure you too can put the pieces together, its not the first time either, this is why I make a rare appearance on a night of drinking, I like a good night, a night to blow of steam, but I can’t handle the atmosphere, its just not for me

I’m glad we live on the other side of town, but as I’ve said, it doesn’t stop my younger brother landing to our house drunk in the early hours of the morning, shouting an banging on the door, mostly he wants money, lately we’ve just ignored him an he leaves

It is calmer here yes, but I also have my problems with how things are, mum an I have always gotten on well, and have only had one very small fall-out, I always have this yearning to be free, to be on my own, but my fears and illness keep me trapped here, until I’m strong enough to go it alone, I have no choice

Lately my mums started these new antidepressants that make you lose weight, she said they make her feel a lot of anger, so I hope nothing comes from that, though I haven’t noticed anything different in her mood, so she must be handling it ok

Its just another example of what life around me is like, that was the point in this post, its something out of my control, separate from my illness, yet affects me all the same, its unstable, unpredictable, and I have no one in my life that I can feel safe an grounded with

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