Another Christ-Mess

On tuesday before christmas, I walked into the kitchen, to find my mum leaning over the sink being sick, with each moment that passed after that, she seemed to get worse, she was holding her side and crying in pain, I thought oh no its her appendix

I was scared, I was home alone with her, so I began to panic, seeing your mum in pain, and not really being able to help is such a horrible thing, something I hope never happens again, anytime soon

At first she didn’t want me phoning for help, but of course I didn’t listen, I phoned the doctor, and then for an ambulance, my step dad came home early, and my aunt came down to our house also

After a night in hospital, blood tests and scans, it turned out she had cysts on her ovaries, she was allowed to go home on christmas eve, she was told that because it was christmas she’d be lying in the hospital for days before she would be seen to, she was given strong pain killers to control the pain, and will hopefully be seen in 6-8 weeks for a follow up, so relief all around

Just knowing that she was ok was all I cared about, but knowing that we’d be together on christmas was even better

When my aunt was in hospital, not long ago, my older brother had a go at me for not visiting her, I knew why my aunt was there an it wasn’t that serious, I knew she wouldn’t be in for long, an I’d see her when she came home, but neither of my brothers came to see our mum, when it was a lot more serious, not to mention its our mum

No, they decided to drink, of course, my younger brother cleared off back to his girlfriends that tuesday night, but my older brother drank from tuesday, up until christmas night

My younger brother couldn’t make it for christmas, would it have killed him to stay over to be here with us, we barely see him as it is, as for my older brother, he came, still drunk, among ‘other things’ he barely touched the dinner, he didn’t even stay that long before he went home to continue drinking

Our christmas’s together have been this way for years, remember last year my younger brother invited that girl to come over that he met online, he’d never met her before, mainly it was because she was supposedly walking the streets alone, an he felt bad for her

Then i think it was the year before that, my brothers invited a boy that they keep falling out with to come, again like that girl from last year, they felt sorry for him, of course after a few drinks, they fell out again, an started fighting, my brother ended up falling into our mums new christmas tree an braking it

The year before that, my brothers went to our next door neighbours house, as my younger brother knew him, a fight broke out, an my older brother got his nose busted, that neighbour I heard is now in jail, I know crazy, we have new neighbours now, an they are nice people

I think its more strange when something happens at our house, as we live in a more private, quiet estate, where nothing much happens

Anyway, my mum, step dad, aunt an I, made the most of the day, it wasn’t the same, but I guess I should be used to these things in this family, now we are planning to have a new years eve dinner to make up for christmas, with us all together, this time it will be at my aunts, so its more of a gate way for drama

I’ve never really had a normal christmas, growing up in care I was with foster parents, and finally in a children’s home, I’d spend the day with my family and then would have to leave again, while there my older brother used to bully my younger brother an I, as I’ve mentioned before, my older brother wasn’t put into foster care, he grew up at home, I guess he was jealous that the attention wasn’t on him, he has always been quite spoiled, our granny used to give him everything, so he never really heard the word no

So In a way, i guess my childhood did prepare me for certain things that you can’t learn on your own

Roll on the new year, I’m hoping it will be my year of reinvention, I recently had a chest x-ray, I was worried about the pains I was having, I’ve now been given the all clear, little things like that, an what I’ve been, an am going through, do in a way, make you want to live more, and to appreciate life, all I can do is try… Right?


Christmas Wishes

The other day, just sitting in the back of my step dads car, looking out at the beginnings of christmas, the lights, the trees, even the frosty sparkle that christmas has, it made me think of, in a way how lucky I am to have what I guess I take for granted

There’s something about being on a car journey, an looking out the window at everything passing by, that makes you drift into your own mind and self reflect

I couldn’t help think about how out there this christmas, there will be people without anything, people who won’t be with, or have no family, people spending that day in hospital, the people sitting at home alone, and the homeless

It makes me think, about how in the past, at christmas and new year, people I know would go out and celebrate, my social phobia prevented me from joining in, and I’d sit at home alone, either eating a left over turkey sandwich, or doing the count down to midnight watching it on tv, seeing the crowds around the world out celebrating together, an I would feel so alone

If I think about it, that’s selfish, even that is a luxury compared to some people, for the year ahead, I really feel like I need to look beyond my fears, and illness, and learn to see the light in the dark

I have changed a little over the years, gotten a bit stronger, and have been one of the crowd the last couple of years

Still, i need to learn to appreciate what I have, an what I’ve been given, not to let so much of my life go to waste anymore, to be selfish in a good way, and live my life for those who can’t