Tarnished

This post is of course belated, but my writing never seemed to gel for me, my minds been swirling for over a week, an I’m not happy with this post, but I’ll just have to accept the way its written…

As new years eve was slowly coming to an end, we stopped at an off-licence so I could pick up some alcohol, in doing so I felt this feeling of dread for the evening ahead

New years eve dinner, eventually turned into a buffet, it was fun having us all together, as it should have been at christmas, I had said that once mum an my step-dad were ready to go home, I was going also

My mum an step dad left right after the count down to midnight as they don’t really drink, an I should have gone too

That didn’t happen, I feel ashamed, an I’m just going to be honest, I ended up taking, I’ll call it ‘stuff’ which leaves it open to speculation, I said before that I would never touch stuff again, after doing so, there was no way I was going home

My mum has since said not to touch it again, because its just not me, an she’s right, I keep pushing myself to be somebody I’m not, an do things I never would, I get lost in the moment, I lose myself, which isn’t a hard choice to make sometimes

I just felt like if I had of went home, I wouldn’t of made the most of new years eve, an that I’d be missing out, like I do most times because of my mental illness an what comes with that

There was me, my brothers, their girlfriends, and some of my brothers friends, so about 8-9 of us, as time past an I kept drinking and taking more an more of that horrible stuff, the fun left, I started having memory loss, I became paranoid, and started to see things

I thought I could see someone hiding behind a tree outside, an thought someone was spying on me through the window, a picture on the wall looked like it was raining, I saw lots of people just walking around outside, an about thirty people getting into one car, I saw people running towards me, it was dark outside, but they looked like they were in sun light

It wasn’t scary, as I knew it wasn’t real, my mind wasn’t even making up whole people at times, some of the people I saw had strips of their body missing, it was like a cliché in a computer

After a while I was so tired I was passing out, so I knew it was time to leave, I was there from, wednesday, new years eve, until about half nine friday morning, I left an came home, others continued on after I’d gone

I don’t know how I got home, I was so tired an drained, I hadn’t eaten or slept, I tried to walk normally, but of course I was still a little drunk, an I smelt like I’d been running through a forest or sitting near a bonfire

I slept all day friday, an all friday night until half four on saturday, by then I was only just about recovered, I’ll never touch that stuff again, I mean it this time, when I came home on friday i almost cried, I felt so dirty, so ashamed, I never want to feel that way again

I can’t blame mental illness all the time, but its the fear which usually holds me back, and the regret among other things that push me to be impulsive and sometimes reckless, so sometimes its like I’m trying to live the time I’ve lost

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