Selfish Ways

A little while ago, I came into some money, after fighting for it for years and feeling like the day would never come, it finally did

They say money is the route of all evil, and I can kind of relate to that, having this money, has been one of the most stressful things I’ve ever experienced in my life, you can never do enough, you can never give enough

Its starting to affect my health, I’m having breathing problems, its affecting my heart, I haven’t had to deal with panic attacks for a long time, now I’m having them almost every day

Before I had even spent a penny, I had given my step dad, aunt, brothers an my older brothers girlfriend five hundred each, I gave my mum fifteen hundred, although I’ve given her a lot more since

After a while I also decided to give them all an extra one hundred, to put towards things they really wanted, so when the money was gone, I could see the things I helped them buy

My older brother wanted a car, my younger brother wanted a new tv, my mum wanted a new fence, my step dad didn’t want anything so I gave him the money towards oil, my aunt wanted her daughters name etc engraved on the headstone, not one of them used the money for what it was given for, but that’s their choice I guess, I’m not really bothered about that

Along with the hundred pound, my older brother wanted to borrow five hundred so he and his girlfriend could buy the car, and my younger brother wanted to borrow four hundred for the tv, so I agreed to that, my younger brother tried to push for more so he could buy a tv and a lap top, he’s also asked for money for a deposit for a house, and for a quad, but I said no

My younger brother has since destroyed the money I did lend him, and my older brother has already borrowed two hundred from the five, towards drink and drugs, I’m very disappointed, I was trying to do something nice for someone, and they do this, it doesn’t matter if I’m getting the money back, or that I already agreed to lend X amount

Recently, i had to lend my younger brother another one hundred (although this is from the money I was lending my older brother for the car) so he could buy groceries etc after destroying the money I’d already given him, and he destroyed that too, his girlfriend said she knew nothing about it, and that she was getting paid in a couple of days, so he must have lied to me, I won’t be giving him another penny

I think to myself, these people, my family, they must think I’m some gullible joke, I’ve given them money, I’ve bought them things an didn’t take back the money, but as I said above, you can never do enough, or give enough

Some might ask why I would have even given in up until this point, but when my brothers are drunk or high, there’s no talking to them, its better to lend them what I know won’t take them long to pay back than to fall out, them sober I can handle

I think its best that the gravy train ends here, that I don’t agree to lend anymore until I get what I’ve already given back again, my brothers alone already owe me seven hundred

Before I even got the money, I knew this is how it would be, that I’d constantly be asked to lend money, that my family would see things they wanted, couldn’t afford and then come to me for a loan, that it would be like wolves clawing at a door

Money when given, should have no strings attached, but not one of them even bought me something, even something small to say thank you, and I think if the money had been in one of their hands, they wouldn’t have been as generous as I’ve been, and to be honest I’m regretting being so

Its been this way for years, my family waste so much of their money, living beyond their means and being foolish, and then turn to usually either my step dad or I for a loan, the problem now is, I can’t use the excuse that I don’t have it, although the account holding the money is miles away, so I could say I have no money available

When I first got the money, I had said, that I would take them all for a meal, as a way for me to celebrate, which I agreed to pay for, now I keep putting it of, because I feel I’ve done enough, and do they really deserve anything more from me

I have been gambling quite a lot lately, its silly I know, but its an escape, I’ll admit that, its easy for them to tell me how I should be spending it, but its ok when they take and borrow my money for anything they want to do

I might gamble a few hundred, but you’ve put the same up your nose

I’m twenty-eight years old now, I don’t need anyone telling me how to live my life, people should hold a mirror up to themselves first before they judge me and my choices or decisions

I don’t think I’ve properly expressed how stressful it is for me in this post, I don’t feel like I can enjoy the money, I feel like its been more of a curse than a gift

Its never ending…

(Keep an eye on this post for re-edits)

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