Inner Monologue

I often wonder if you could read some ones mind, what would they be thinking, what goes through their head, so I decided to do a short post, a window into my mind over the course of going to visit my mum in hospital

It won’t be my best post, because there isn’t that much time to think in certain situations, but I wanted to try something different:

On the way to see mum in hospital, we meet a block in traffic…

why is he (step dad) ringing to say we are held up, we’ve only come to the hold up in traffic, maybe be held up for at least ten minutes, an then ring, he’s only hung up, and the traffic is moving already

In the hospital cafe…

you’re next in the cue, stay calm,

You’ve asked for the coffee now, you’ve done it, that cake looks nice, ask for a piece, no I can’t

Every one else will have something, and you won’t, I don’t need the cake

We are randomly chatting over coffee, mum was told she has cellulite on her side, my step dad was guessing how you get it, I was able to explain how, then my aunt asks the difference between decaf and ordinary…

the difference is pretty obvious, but I like that I know things, I wonder if the people around us are listening, maybe I sound like a know it all

We’re still in the cafe, we are talking about how my brothers are spending their money, and what on, an that they haven’t been paying me…

why does this man behind us keep looking at us, is he listening into our conversation, I don’t feel comfortable, I want to leave now

Leaving cafe, an going for a smoke…

she never listens (aunt) you can’t talk to her, an you can never get a word in cause she never shuts up

Every time mum talks about her time in hospital she always has to bring up the last time she was in, or had a similar test done, we get it, you’ve been in hospital, its always about her

Mum, step dad an aunt are joking an laughing…

its not that funny, but I’ll smile anyway

Back to mums ward…

its a lot busier in here now than other days, so many people around, I don’t like it

I need tissue for my nose, mum shows me where it is…

to get the tissue I’ll have to go beside that other girls bed, an her family are sitting all around it, I can’t do it

every time she’s (aunt) talking, I seem to be typing this post, an then she’s looking at me, wonder if she’s paranoid wondering what I’m doing

when my step dad gets the chance to speak, he really talks doesn’t he, I hate the way he talks about things as though he knows what he’s talking about, when clearly he’s guessing

I can be very negative sometimes

Time to go home….

its sad watching mum walking back to the ward alone, I just want her home again

My step dad stops to get a couple of beers on our way home, he says it helps him sleep…

he drinks everyday, even if its only a couple its still a problem, I don’t see the point in drinking, unless you get a buzz or at least tipsy, its a waste of time

Home to bed, and publishing this post…

Out Of Our Control

There can never be a ‘normal’ for my family, or a happy ending, in life, as with my family, some things are self inflicted, and others are out of our control, its the not knowing what’s coming next that’s the scary part

Today I saw the doctor, Dr H, this time instead of me rambling on at him and seeing my words fall on deaf ears, I wrote out a part of my last post ‘struggling’ and gave it to him to read because some things are easier to write, than they are to say

He said I must be going through a hard time, and that it must be ‘putting my head away’ having to go through this everyday, I felt relieved in that moment, because unlike other times, he seemed to finally get it, to understand, he told me it was anxiety that was giving me my symptoms, he wants to see what my psychiatrist may prescribe me first, before giving me anything, but he did up the dose on my medication, mainly because of the anxiety and trouble sleeping, all I can do is trust what he says

Things took a turn for the worst this evening, my mum took ill again, i explained before how at christmas she found out she has cysts on her ovaries, and she was waiting to go into hospital to have them removed, but tonight the pain came back, so we had to phone an ambulance

It felt horrible seeing her rolling around in pain, an throwing up, my step dad was clearly panicking also, I didn’t want to see her that way, an I was helpless, there was nothing I could do, I felt like I was saying stupid things while trying to help, I stayed out of the way, but popped in an out

My step-dad followed the ambulance in his car, an I’ll go up to the hospital tomorrow

I didn’t want to make the situation about me, an how I was feeling, I just remember last time, trying to be reassuring, but really just standing around feeling useless, crowding the room an getting in the nurses way, because of why she’s there, there are a lot of physical examinations to be done, an as she’s my mum, I wouldn’t be with her anyway, but she’ll have my step dad, an I will go tomorrow when she’s more settled

My brothers on the other hand, are another story, my younger brother was drunk last night, phoning me saying he was sick an using a tearful voice, wanting me to pay a taxi for him into town, as I’ve said before, he’s moved in with his girlfriend out of town

But today I heard he had a fight with her, and wanted to come over here, so I guess him saying he was ill, was just a way of trying to get money from me, luckily he sorted everything out, and we didn’t have to deal with him probably landing to our house in the early hours, banging on the door looking in

Today my older brother is drinking, among other things, I’m sure by now you know what that means, I felt a little upset as he owes me nearly five hundred pound, but he’d rather waste money sniffing it up his nose

He phoned to ask how mum was, mum was too sick to take the phone, so he asked me to put him on loud speaker, our mum not well an him talking to her in his drunken voice, saying he’d do anything for her, even give his last penny, how does that help her now, she doesn’t need that, if he was so worried, an cared, he’d stop what he’s doing now, so he’d be in an ok enough state to go to see her tomorrow, I know he won’t though

This is exactly how things played out at christmas, mum in hospital, him off his face, luckily mum was ok to come home for christmas day, but he came drunk, stayed for a little while, and then left so he could continue drinking

He and his girlfriend recently broke up, and they’ve been fighting, so I’m guessing that’s why he’s drinking more often, she’s my friend at the same time, so I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to be caught in the middle

Tonight I’ll be waiting on phone calls with updates about mum, and probably drunken ones from my brother

And people ask what’s normal…

Struggling

Do you ever catch yourself in that moment, you run your hands through your hair, look to the ceiling and let out a big sigh

I’m not in a good place right now, I’m exhausted, a few weeks ago, my panic attacks came back again, I talked a little about this before

I was sitting in the car, an it came from nowhere, I think being in a car made it worse because I was in such a small space

I’m pretty sure it all started from my family constantly asking me for money, I felt cornered and weighed down, I felt overwhelmed by it all, I think that’s when I cracked, and everything came flowing through, I may be over what first triggered my panic, but now I’m just left with the panic an paranoia

From that day it continued, but i started having pains in my chest and I become worried about my heart, I’ve had blood tests and an ECG, an its all clear

I just can’t shake the thought that somethings wrong, I’m paranoid I guess, but the pain, irregular heart beats and movements have to be coming from something, stress and anxiety trigger it an make it worse, but it feels like more than just that

Its all day everyday, which usually leads to a panic attack, mostly at night, where I’m running to the window in fear, all the while my hearts beating uncontrollably, I’m scared somethings going to happen

Stress and anxiety have affected me many times, and given me symptoms of illnesses that I don’t have, I think its called somatic, I’m not sure

Its getting worse as time goes on, I’m thinking about it constantly, I’m dreaming about it, I’m waking up gasping for air, I’m scared to go to bed at night, I can’t sleep, I can’t watch certain things on tv, as it becomes a trigger, I’m scared to eat, yet I’m over eating, I’m even scared to take my medication, the only good thing is, I became scared to smoke, so I haven’t for a week now, I guess that’s something

The anxiety is so bad sometimes, parts of my body go numb, parts of my face, my arm an chest, my legs etc, its affecting my memory and sometimes my eye sight, I’m having headaches an pains down both my arms, when I’m out, I’m panicking in town, an have to come home, but home is now like a prison

I’m crying all the time, because I can’t take it any more, an there’s no escape

I had an appointment with a new psychiatrist, which was yesterday, I already knew that, but my heads so mixed up, I went today by mistake, so I might be kicked off the list again

Its lapses like that, that frustrate me, even if they aren’t that serious, even other little things like going to put the kettle in the fridge, or turning on a tap, but holding your hands under the other one an wondering why no waters coming out, I know everyone at times does similar things, but I feel when you have a mental illness you give yourself extra punishment, because it makes you feel as though you can’t even do the simplest of tasks

I find myself saying ‘what have I done to deserve this’ its like I’m being punished, but its life, its either something bad, or its the anxiety and its all in my head

I take my tablets, an I know they only do so much, the rest of the work is up to you, but I’m not ashamed to admit that I just can’t do it, I can’t cope alone anymore, I’m not suicidal, but I do think, is this really worth it, living like this, its like there’s too much in my head for one person to deal with, Its as though I’m dealing with ten of me all at once

I’ve always hated responsibility, in the sense of myself, its sometimes like I’m only a mind, and the body is an extra part of me, and I hate having to take responsibility for it, not in a lazy way, its more like having to look after something that you never asked for, but can’t do anything about

I see my doctor tomorrow, something has to be done about this, even if its nothing, stress on your body is actually dangerous, so I need answers, I need help

From Darkest Dawn, To Blackest Night

Every day I’m walking around an it feels like I’m not really here, its as though sometimes I can see beyond what life really is, I can see people for who they are, like a new sight through someone else’s eyes, nothing seems to matter as much as it once did, things around you almost become too real

I can’t really explain it, its as though the world has a veil, in that there is everyday life where you just get on with things, that may be denial, when you are pulled beyond the veil, its like stepping out of your body, living just outside of reality, its like you finally feel awake, yet you’re still in the dream

Today I starting thinking in a way that I never have, its like I knew I didn’t belong here, in this time, I’m twenty nine, so I’m not that young, but I feel like I’m still too young for this time, I was born in the eighties, I feel I was either born ten years too early or too late, I guess its just me feeling like I don’t fit in

I think I’m more depressed than I realise, I know I’m stressed, I can feel it inside, the building anger, the frustration, its like having someone inside who’s screaming with rage, yet at the same time cowering in a corner, on the outside though, I’m silent and numb

I do feel bad, even guilty sometimes at how cold I can be, I do care, I have a heart an I try to be a good person, but there are times when I feel nothing, I’m void, empty, I guess from how I grew up, along with my mental illness it jars my reality, I’m not a fully functioning adult, I’m broken

I’m not saying I’m smart in any way, but I am too rational to have a mental illness, if that makes sense, I am self aware, I can understand, I’m tuned in, I’m also very intuitive, and that’s part of the problem

Take things like relaxation in a panic attack scenario, I’m not stupid enough, not to know that I’m deliberately trying to distract myself, if anything it makes me more aware

Though we all grow with age, things that wouldn’t work for me now, probably would have ten years ago, I wish I was still as na├»ve as I was a few years ago, when I didn’t understand life and the illness as much, where I was still confused and cared more for things that weren’t as important

I wonder what the me, ten years from now is like, I’d like to think he’d tell me it all gets better someday…

The Things We Hide

You walk past a boy, he smiles and says hello, you sit beside a boy on the bus, he seems like a nice person, you see a group of people at the table next to yours in a cafe, they all seem close, one of the boys is laughing at some unheard joke

The boy who smiled and said hello, his heart is beating so fast, inside he is begging you not to talk to him, so he doesn’t have to reply, he isn’t seen to take a deep breath after

That boy on the bus who seemed nice, he is anxious, and feels out of place, hurrying the bus on in his mind so he can just get off, he isn’t seen to be looking out the window in panic

The boy at the table laughing, is so afraid to place an order when the waiter comes, so aware he is in public, so controlled, even the way he eats is acted so hopefully not to put a foot wrong, he knows he’s being watched

This person is me, maybe its you…

I wrote the part above a while back, and it made me think about the things we hide from the rest of the world, and how we mask ourselves with a smile

Or how a family can seem really close, but most of it is for display in public, while no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors

I’ve been thinking a lot about my life lately, as I’ve been dealing with a lot, I’m only getting over the flu, during which I’ve caught a viral infection, so I’m having a lot of abdominal pain, an having to take pain killers, I’m stressed and tired, an really just feel like crying all the time

Also its because of the money I got a few months ago, I’ve been asked non stop for money by my family, I’ve already lent out over a thousand pound, but they keep asking for more, I explained a lot about this in a past post ‘selfish ways’

I’ve now said I’m not lending anymore money, but its the lengths they now go to that are causing me even more stress

My aunt asked me to lend her money not long ago, as she was going to visit her daughter, who you know was adopted by another family, feeling bad for her I did, little did I know that some of that money was for my older brother, who I had already said no to, I thought that was very sneaky

My brothers girlfriend, asked me for money, saying she needed it to get a taxi etc back home because her granny is in hospital and doesn’t have long left to live, she even sounded like she was about to cry to me on the phone, so I agreed to lend her the money, I did say I hope she wasn’t lying to me

I’ve more or less found out since, although its true about her granny, she didn’t use the money to go home at all

It all caught up to me a couple of days ago, when my mum asked for money, I snapped an made a scene in the middle of a store, its so not like me, it was like someone else took over me, mum an I didn’t talk much after that, but have made up now, it did help open my eyes, I’m not a one rule for one an not for another type person

Mainly I snapped as I’m always telling my mum an step dad how stressful it is for me, an they are always saying how its not fair, I’d just had enough, an as I’ve said I wasn’t feeling well an was on edge anyway

My brothers as you know by now are always drinking, an that’s when they ring looking money the most, mainly for more drink, or to use for drug money

It only brings trouble around my aunts house, an causes stress for the rest of us
A certain boy I’ve mentioned in the past, who my brothers keep falling out with was brought around again, don’t ask me why, I guess its as they seem to need company when drinking, or the fact he’s a known drug dealer

This time they fell out again, no surprise, he attacked my older brother with a dog lead, when my aunt tried to separate them, she got attacked to, an is now left cut an scarred on her arm

He recently also hit my younger brother in the mouth with a cup, he runs away afterwards and then posts nasty things on facebook, they never seem to learn their lesson about being in his company, he’s bad news

On another note, yet still money orientated, it was my birthday on wednesday, my family couldn’t really afford to give me anything, as they were short of money or had made other plans for the next day, a group of people including my brothers and their girlfriends were going to watch a live darts tournament, the boys anyway, the girls went to a club, I was invited, but I know what my brothers are like drunk, so of course I declined

An I was right, my younger brother got really drunk, and started causing trouble for everyone, so most of them left an came home early, my brother effectively ruined the night for everyone else

My mum, step dad an I went out for a meal which was nice, but after everything I’ve done for everyone lately an they couldn’t be there for me, did upset me, but I should be used to it by now

Several times lately I’ve said I’m done with this family, and a part of me is, its time I got away for a while, I need to distance myself from my life and the people around me before I’m pushed to far, I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes, and I need my own space