The Things We Hide

You walk past a boy, he smiles and says hello, you sit beside a boy on the bus, he seems like a nice person, you see a group of people at the table next to yours in a cafe, they all seem close, one of the boys is laughing at some unheard joke

The boy who smiled and said hello, his heart is beating so fast, inside he is begging you not to talk to him, so he doesn’t have to reply, he isn’t seen to take a deep breath after

That boy on the bus who seemed nice, he is anxious, and feels out of place, hurrying the bus on in his mind so he can just get off, he isn’t seen to be looking out the window in panic

The boy at the table laughing, is so afraid to place an order when the waiter comes, so aware he is in public, so controlled, even the way he eats is acted so hopefully not to put a foot wrong, he knows he’s being watched

This person is me, maybe its you…

I wrote the part above a while back, and it made me think about the things we hide from the rest of the world, and how we mask ourselves with a smile

Or how a family can seem really close, but most of it is for display in public, while no one really knows what goes on behind closed doors

I’ve been thinking a lot about my life lately, as I’ve been dealing with a lot, I’m only getting over the flu, during which I’ve caught a viral infection, so I’m having a lot of abdominal pain, an having to take pain killers, I’m stressed and tired, an really just feel like crying all the time

Also its because of the money I got a few months ago, I’ve been asked non stop for money by my family, I’ve already lent out over a thousand pound, but they keep asking for more, I explained a lot about this in a past post ‘selfish ways’

I’ve now said I’m not lending anymore money, but its the lengths they now go to that are causing me even more stress

My aunt asked me to lend her money not long ago, as she was going to visit her daughter, who you know was adopted by another family, feeling bad for her I did, little did I know that some of that money was for my older brother, who I had already said no to, I thought that was very sneaky

My brothers girlfriend, asked me for money, saying she needed it to get a taxi etc back home because her granny is in hospital and doesn’t have long left to live, she even sounded like she was about to cry to me on the phone, so I agreed to lend her the money, I did say I hope she wasn’t lying to me

I’ve more or less found out since, although its true about her granny, she didn’t use the money to go home at all

It all caught up to me a couple of days ago, when my mum asked for money, I snapped an made a scene in the middle of a store, its so not like me, it was like someone else took over me, mum an I didn’t talk much after that, but have made up now, it did help open my eyes, I’m not a one rule for one an not for another type person

Mainly I snapped as I’m always telling my mum an step dad how stressful it is for me, an they are always saying how its not fair, I’d just had enough, an as I’ve said I wasn’t feeling well an was on edge anyway

My brothers as you know by now are always drinking, an that’s when they ring looking money the most, mainly for more drink, or to use for drug money

It only brings trouble around my aunts house, an causes stress for the rest of us
A certain boy I’ve mentioned in the past, who my brothers keep falling out with was brought around again, don’t ask me why, I guess its as they seem to need company when drinking, or the fact he’s a known drug dealer

This time they fell out again, no surprise, he attacked my older brother with a dog lead, when my aunt tried to separate them, she got attacked to, an is now left cut an scarred on her arm

He recently also hit my younger brother in the mouth with a cup, he runs away afterwards and then posts nasty things on facebook, they never seem to learn their lesson about being in his company, he’s bad news

On another note, yet still money orientated, it was my birthday on wednesday, my family couldn’t really afford to give me anything, as they were short of money or had made other plans for the next day, a group of people including my brothers and their girlfriends were going to watch a live darts tournament, the boys anyway, the girls went to a club, I was invited, but I know what my brothers are like drunk, so of course I declined

An I was right, my younger brother got really drunk, and started causing trouble for everyone, so most of them left an came home early, my brother effectively ruined the night for everyone else

My mum, step dad an I went out for a meal which was nice, but after everything I’ve done for everyone lately an they couldn’t be there for me, did upset me, but I should be used to it by now

Several times lately I’ve said I’m done with this family, and a part of me is, its time I got away for a while, I need to distance myself from my life and the people around me before I’m pushed to far, I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes, and I need my own space

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