From Darkest Dawn, To Blackest Night

Every day I’m walking around an it feels like I’m not really here, its as though sometimes I can see beyond what life really is, I can see people for who they are, like a new sight through someone else’s eyes, nothing seems to matter as much as it once did, things around you almost become too real

I can’t really explain it, its as though the world has a veil, in that there is everyday life where you just get on with things, that may be denial, when you are pulled beyond the veil, its like stepping out of your body, living just outside of reality, its like you finally feel awake, yet you’re still in the dream

Today I starting thinking in a way that I never have, its like I knew I didn’t belong here, in this time, I’m twenty nine, so I’m not that young, but I feel like I’m still too young for this time, I was born in the eighties, I feel I was either born ten years too early or too late, I guess its just me feeling like I don’t fit in

I think I’m more depressed than I realise, I know I’m stressed, I can feel it inside, the building anger, the frustration, its like having someone inside who’s screaming with rage, yet at the same time cowering in a corner, on the outside though, I’m silent and numb

I do feel bad, even guilty sometimes at how cold I can be, I do care, I have a heart an I try to be a good person, but there are times when I feel nothing, I’m void, empty, I guess from how I grew up, along with my mental illness it jars my reality, I’m not a fully functioning adult, I’m broken

I’m not saying I’m smart in any way, but I am too rational to have a mental illness, if that makes sense, I am self aware, I can understand, I’m tuned in, I’m also very intuitive, and that’s part of the problem

Take things like relaxation in a panic attack scenario, I’m not stupid enough, not to know that I’m deliberately trying to distract myself, if anything it makes me more aware

Though we all grow with age, things that wouldn’t work for me now, probably would have ten years ago, I wish I was still as naïve as I was a few years ago, when I didn’t understand life and the illness as much, where I was still confused and cared more for things that weren’t as important

I wonder what the me, ten years from now is like, I’d like to think he’d tell me it all gets better someday…

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