Struggling

Do you ever catch yourself in that moment, you run your hands through your hair, look to the ceiling and let out a big sigh

I’m not in a good place right now, I’m exhausted, a few weeks ago, my panic attacks came back again, I talked a little about this before

I was sitting in the car, an it came from nowhere, I think being in a car made it worse because I was in such a small space

I’m pretty sure it all started from my family constantly asking me for money, I felt cornered and weighed down, I felt overwhelmed by it all, I think that’s when I cracked, and everything came flowing through, I may be over what first triggered my panic, but now I’m just left with the panic an paranoia

From that day it continued, but i started having pains in my chest and I become worried about my heart, I’ve had blood tests and an ECG, an its all clear

I just can’t shake the thought that somethings wrong, I’m paranoid I guess, but the pain, irregular heart beats and movements have to be coming from something, stress and anxiety trigger it an make it worse, but it feels like more than just that

Its all day everyday, which usually leads to a panic attack, mostly at night, where I’m running to the window in fear, all the while my hearts beating uncontrollably, I’m scared somethings going to happen

Stress and anxiety have affected me many times, and given me symptoms of illnesses that I don’t have, I think its called somatic, I’m not sure

Its getting worse as time goes on, I’m thinking about it constantly, I’m dreaming about it, I’m waking up gasping for air, I’m scared to go to bed at night, I can’t sleep, I can’t watch certain things on tv, as it becomes a trigger, I’m scared to eat, yet I’m over eating, I’m even scared to take my medication, the only good thing is, I became scared to smoke, so I haven’t for a week now, I guess that’s something

The anxiety is so bad sometimes, parts of my body go numb, parts of my face, my arm an chest, my legs etc, its affecting my memory and sometimes my eye sight, I’m having headaches an pains down both my arms, when I’m out, I’m panicking in town, an have to come home, but home is now like a prison

I’m crying all the time, because I can’t take it any more, an there’s no escape

I had an appointment with a new psychiatrist, which was yesterday, I already knew that, but my heads so mixed up, I went today by mistake, so I might be kicked off the list again

Its lapses like that, that frustrate me, even if they aren’t that serious, even other little things like going to put the kettle in the fridge, or turning on a tap, but holding your hands under the other one an wondering why no waters coming out, I know everyone at times does similar things, but I feel when you have a mental illness you give yourself extra punishment, because it makes you feel as though you can’t even do the simplest of tasks

I find myself saying ‘what have I done to deserve this’ its like I’m being punished, but its life, its either something bad, or its the anxiety and its all in my head

I take my tablets, an I know they only do so much, the rest of the work is up to you, but I’m not ashamed to admit that I just can’t do it, I can’t cope alone anymore, I’m not suicidal, but I do think, is this really worth it, living like this, its like there’s too much in my head for one person to deal with, Its as though I’m dealing with ten of me all at once

I’ve always hated responsibility, in the sense of myself, its sometimes like I’m only a mind, and the body is an extra part of me, and I hate having to take responsibility for it, not in a lazy way, its more like having to look after something that you never asked for, but can’t do anything about

I see my doctor tomorrow, something has to be done about this, even if its nothing, stress on your body is actually dangerous, so I need answers, I need help

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4 responses to “Struggling

  1. I can relate to you. I have been dealing with anxiety and have been in and out of therapy these days. I feel helpless too, most times. But I am just hoping that things will get better with seeking help. I think there is at least something to hold on to, when you try to keep that hope alive.

  2. I hope that your doctor is able to do something for you. It’s okay to put things in the fridge or whatever, no one cares. Try to remember that nothing has happened to your heart yet, so it isn’t likely to…it’s just your brain and stress chemicals getting things going. Do you know anyone else with anxiety? Talking to others is really helpful. Come over to visit me anytime:) http://lilypupslife.wordpress.com/ I deal with bipolar but it all smooshes together.

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