Out Of Our Control

There can never be a ‘normal’ for my family, or a happy ending, in life, as with my family, some things are self inflicted, and others are out of our control, its the not knowing what’s coming next that’s the scary part

Today I saw the doctor, Dr H, this time instead of me rambling on at him and seeing my words fall on deaf ears, I wrote out a part of my last post ‘struggling’ and gave it to him to read because some things are easier to write, than they are to say

He said I must be going through a hard time, and that it must be ‘putting my head away’ having to go through this everyday, I felt relieved in that moment, because unlike other times, he seemed to finally get it, to understand, he told me it was anxiety that was giving me my symptoms, he wants to see what my psychiatrist may prescribe me first, before giving me anything, but he did up the dose on my medication, mainly because of the anxiety and trouble sleeping, all I can do is trust what he says

Things took a turn for the worst this evening, my mum took ill again, i explained before how at christmas she found out she has cysts on her ovaries, and she was waiting to go into hospital to have them removed, but tonight the pain came back, so we had to phone an ambulance

It felt horrible seeing her rolling around in pain, an throwing up, my step dad was clearly panicking also, I didn’t want to see her that way, an I was helpless, there was nothing I could do, I felt like I was saying stupid things while trying to help, I stayed out of the way, but popped in an out

My step-dad followed the ambulance in his car, an I’ll go up to the hospital tomorrow

I didn’t want to make the situation about me, an how I was feeling, I just remember last time, trying to be reassuring, but really just standing around feeling useless, crowding the room an getting in the nurses way, because of why she’s there, there are a lot of physical examinations to be done, an as she’s my mum, I wouldn’t be with her anyway, but she’ll have my step dad, an I will go tomorrow when she’s more settled

My brothers on the other hand, are another story, my younger brother was drunk last night, phoning me saying he was sick an using a tearful voice, wanting me to pay a taxi for him into town, as I’ve said before, he’s moved in with his girlfriend out of town

But today I heard he had a fight with her, and wanted to come over here, so I guess him saying he was ill, was just a way of trying to get money from me, luckily he sorted everything out, and we didn’t have to deal with him probably landing to our house in the early hours, banging on the door looking in

Today my older brother is drinking, among other things, I’m sure by now you know what that means, I felt a little upset as he owes me nearly five hundred pound, but he’d rather waste money sniffing it up his nose

He phoned to ask how mum was, mum was too sick to take the phone, so he asked me to put him on loud speaker, our mum not well an him talking to her in his drunken voice, saying he’d do anything for her, even give his last penny, how does that help her now, she doesn’t need that, if he was so worried, an cared, he’d stop what he’s doing now, so he’d be in an ok enough state to go to see her tomorrow, I know he won’t though

This is exactly how things played out at christmas, mum in hospital, him off his face, luckily mum was ok to come home for christmas day, but he came drunk, stayed for a little while, and then left so he could continue drinking

He and his girlfriend recently broke up, and they’ve been fighting, so I’m guessing that’s why he’s drinking more often, she’s my friend at the same time, so I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to be caught in the middle

Tonight I’ll be waiting on phone calls with updates about mum, and probably drunken ones from my brother

And people ask what’s normal…


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