Inner Monologue: Summer Snapshots

Reflection in the mirror
Like someone unknown

Dizzy but happy
Clack, clack, clack, my finger hitting off the boards of a neighbours fence

Chalk drawings kids have left
Petals fall from a cherry blossom tree like confetti

The churp of a bird, the buzz of a bee
The smell of wood chips and freshly cut grass

Crisp, soft smudges under foot like walking on sand
sunlight and a breeze
Daffodils wilting in the heat

An animal runs through the bushes, heart rushes
Sky, blue like water

Friends talking, smiles
No looking down, you’re not afraid

Before its begun, home again

Sometimes, Things Change

Life doesn’t get better by chance, it gets better by change

I’m going through a lot lately, I haven’t felt well for some time now, an until I have my brain scan, I won’t truly know what’s going on, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, but in a way, if all goes well, its a good thing, because its making me look at my life, and making me want to live

I feel myself changing, for the better, I’m beginning to think more about life, my life, an how I’ve wasted so much time out of fear, fear of what might happen, so never taking the chance to find out, that and my social phobia have kept me trapped behind these four walls for so long, until now, where its become my prison

I used to love staying at home, closing the door an shutting the rest of the world out, I’d see people outside, leading their normal lives an be glad I was safe, away from them, because of all the ways they could hurt me, an because I didn’t feel like I belonged, now I look out and wish that I was apart of it

I have been going out a little more often, even if most days that’s just getting a taxi into town, doing a bit of shopping an then walking home, instead of rushing home I’m taking time to enjoy the sunny weather, walking slower to take it all in

I’ve been out for a few meals, and although I felt really uncomfortable, I still enjoyed it, I also went to the circus, I’ve loved it since I was a child, though I don’t feel like I’m pushing myself enough, because to me, these things are still what you’d call safe

In the weeks ahead, I’m going to be starting my driving lessons, I’m applying for my passport, and have shopping trips planned for out of town, I’m also looking into getting concert tickets, I think adele is going on tour this year? I saw that somewhere, its small steps, but its about moving my life forward at this point

I’m also really considering looking into doing a course at college, or ‘tech’ as they call it here, it might come to nothing, but the fact that I’m willing to try, is a big step for me

I feel, dealing with this illness when I was a teenager, or even in my early twenties, was ok, because my life was still ahead of me, I had plenty of time, now at twenty nine (which I know is still young) I feel more like life is moving on without me, one day I’ll look in the mirror, and I’ll see an old man, and wonder where the time went

A life of regret isn’t a life lived

Illness aside, i’ve always felt this strange guilt, that having a life, would leave my family behind, I’ve always felt like I needed to be close to them, so I’ve held myself back on purpose, but like mine, what mum wouldn’t want her child to do well, obviously this isn’t the life she saw for me

I feel its time, all I can do is try

In The Meantime

They say the definition of insanity, is doing the same thing over an over and expecting a different result, that’s how I felt before today

I had another bad panic attack last night, its horrible being caught in the middle of a panic attack while at the same time you’re slightly sedated by your medication, in the midst of it all I kept saying, I can’t do this anymore, I just can’t do it

I can’t take another night of this torment, so today I did what I said I would, and went to A&E, they don’t have any doctors in our towns A&E, so there wasn’t anything they could do for me, they did contact my doctors surgery, an they made an appointment for me to come in, I actually thought it was my doctor who asked me to come in, but he knew nothing about it

I kept thinking I might as well go home, because I only saw my doctor about a week ago, what more can he really do, I phoned my mum to tell her what happened, and see what she thought I should do, she told me to go to the doctors, and make him do something for me

By this time it was almost four o’clock, and all the schools were getting out, usually I would never be out around that time, because of my social phobia I can’t handle big crowds, but I think because of my nerves and anxiety from going to A&E by myself, an not knowing what would happen, I didn’t care as much

When I saw the doctor he gave me the same tests I talked about in my last post, he also tried to get me do other things like walk across the room for him, I refused, I just couldn’t be bothered, I’m tired of being treated like a seal doing the same tricks on command, and I was annoyed that he made a stupid joke about my head falling off, how I feel isn’t a joke

This time though, he said he’d send me for a brain scan, because I’m only getting worse, and its affecting me mentally

I’m already suffering enough, but this is giving me urges to self harm, but self harming doesn’t do anything for me, I’ve also thought about drinking, but then I think what’s the point

In the meantime, all I can do is try an deal with it the best I can, though I think with mental illness, ‘in the mean time’ can be the hardest time

Lies Get You No-where

Or should that be the truth…..

I’m still not feeling any better, so my mum convinced me to see the doctor again last week, and ask for something more to be done for me, I kept saying that its a waste of time, that he’ll do nothing for me, so this time I decided to go but stretch the truth to try an force his hand

I told him, that I was in such a mess a few days before, to the point where I had to phone lifeline, and that, only for the fact I refused to give my address, they were going to send someone out to the house

Although this isn’t true, I was in a mess, an at the point where I almost did phone them, I have in the past, and didn’t really find it helpful, an although I may be slowly unravelling, I’m not suicidal

His response was, ‘oh good, when are they coming to see you’ as I just wrote I said I hadn’t given my address, truthfully I was hoping for more of a response, wouldn’t any normal doctor have at least been a little worried?

That was my only lie, which came to nothing anyway, so moving on, I told him about how I’m having bad headaches, pains in my head, how I always feel dizzy and have vertigo, and at times feel really disorientated

He gave me tests, the same tests as last time, cover an eye, point to his finger then my nose, point to which finger he was moving etc, he never gets off his chair, just rolls up beside you, it didn’t help that his groin was pressing up against my knee the whole time

Finally at the end of the appointment, he told me that my anxiety was taking hold of me, I hate that word now, anxiety, every niggle every pain, every time I feel sick, I’m being told the same thing, anxiety, then I’m left to go home an just deal with it

The thing is, I can’t deal with it anymore, Its been weeks, I’m worn out, an there’s only so much a person can take, at one point I became paranoid that my doctors were working together behind my back, because they want me to, I don’t know suffer, I know that’s not true, its just my messed up thoughts

I know its partly down to anxiety that’s making my symptoms worse, and it is beginning to affect my mental state, because its like I can feel the life slowly draining from me, and there are days when I wonder will this be the day something finally happens, which made me write a note to my mum an a make shift will, nothing to do with suicide, just in case something did happen to me, I know that’s extreme, but I can’t help how I feel

Its funny how feeling ill can make you angry, and how that anger can make you more assertive and confident, after a while you feel you have nothing left to lose

I really hope I am an anxious mess, because if I’m not I’ll be going to my solicitor an claiming for negligence, I’m gonna go to A&E soon, maybe this week, and have them do tests, why should I suffer when I can have tests done to reassure me, I just need to be sure, there are stories all the time where peoples symptoms are overlooked

If I’m wrong, which I hope I am, I’ll be the first to admit I’ve wasted everyones time

Letting Out The Hurt

I don’t like the darkness inside myself, but I hurt just like everyone else, its nothing to be ashamed of, but sometimes the darkness has a voice, allowing yourself to listen can be dangerous

Some people deal with things in different ways, some people self harm, but that never worked for me, I like to feel emotion, because I spend so much time blocking everything out, becoming numb and feeling nothing, because it makes me feel safe, but some times I allow myself to feel, I allow my inner voice to speak, and its honesty can hurt, so I allow myself to break down, to cry, to feel, to let out the hurt

At first, I’d cry, I’d say why is this happening to me, I’m a good person, but other times you begin to think that you’re being punished, you doubt yourself, maybe you’re not so good of a person after all

Sometimes I become some one that I don’t want to be, we all know who we really are inside, but this illness takes hold, and compromises my very personality, people see sides to you that they don’t like, but always remember, but its not the real you they see, you always want people to see you for who you really are, and not the illness

You can live your life around mental illness, but at the same time its as though there’s someone behind you, whispering in your ear, never letting you forget

With all the pain I’m having, and how I feel, its slowly chipping away at me everyday, I realised that every time I’ve had, I’ll call them bad times, each time has been worse than the last, and lasts longer

At the moment, I’m in a situation where apart from blogging, I’m just going to have to deal with it on my own (even though I can’t) because I’ve exhausted the help available for the moment, until I see the mental health team again, I’m trying to suffer in silence, I don’t want people to become tired of me complaining

Yesterday I was thinking, I’ve had a couple of days where I haven’t felt as bad, so maybe whatever is happening with me is lifting, I felt a little relieved, I felt more like myself again

Last night I went out with my mum an step dad, nothing special, we were bored an went to the local amusements, just to get out of the house for an hour or so, I don’t know what it was, but I suddenly felt closed in, and overwhelmed, the tv was too loud, it felt as though the place was crowded, even though there was only one other person there, my head starting feeling really strange, fussy, dizzy, like I could pass out and my eyes felt unnaturally heavy

I started to panic, I ran to the bathroom an locked myself in, I looked at myself in the mirror to get some kind of centre, it took me a long time to come around

Even when I feel relaxed, and happier, I’m having these episodes, but the doctors are telling me its anxiety, I’ve tried telling myself that its all in my head, trying to use will power over my illness, but its not working

I woke up today, an I’m right back to where I was a few days ago, I just don’t know what to do anymore, i don’t want to just lay down and give in to it, but its like I can’t handle anything right now, the slightest little thing and I’m having heart palpitations and headaches, I’m becoming more isolated and living in a bubble where everything around me has to be controlled for my own well-being and sanity

I’ve started to think I’m in the middle of a breakdown

Even my mum has said she thinks I’m more ill than I realise, of course I tell her everything, but she says I say things some times that aren’t normal, delusional even

I guess you only think you know yourself, because to you, that is your normal

What Will It Take

This anxiety has really taken a hold of me, I explained in my post ‘struggling’ how its affecting my everyday life, but with each day there seems to be a new physical symptom, and I’m wondering how much more I can take, how much can one person handle before it pushes them too far

A few days ago, I started having really bad pains in my head and its stayed ever since, its constant, and pain killers don’t seem to work very well, I became really disorientated and dizzy the other day, I could barely function, at times it even felt like bubbles were popping in my head, I’m also so run down that my right eye has started swelling up

I made an appointment to see the doctor again today with Dr H, I’m guessing by now I seem like some kind of hypochondriac (also known as anxiety illness disorder) I looked up this term to get a better understanding, and it does sound like me but I can’t help how I feel

People with anxiety illness disorder (IAD) are overly focused on, and always thinking about, their physical health. They have an unrealistic fear of having or developing a serious disease. This disorder occurs equally in men and women.

The way people with IAD think about their physical symptoms can make them more likely to have this condition. As they focus on and worry about physical sensations, a cycle of symptoms and worry begins, which can be hard to stop.

It is important to realize that people with IAD do not purposely create these symptoms. They are unable to control the symptoms.

People with IAD are unable to control their fears and worries. They often believe any symptom or sensation is a sign of a serious illness.

They seek out reassurance from family, friends, or health care providers on a regular basis. They feel better for a short time and then begin to worry about the same symptoms or new symptoms.

Symptoms may shift and change, and are often vague. People with IAD often examine their own body.

Some may recognise that their fear of having a serious disease is unreasonable or unfounded.

Illness anxiety disorder is different from somatic symptom disorder. With somatic symptom disorder, the person has physical pain or other symptoms, but the medical cause is not found.

I have been diagnosed with somatic pains before, but at the same time, I feel like I’m not being taken seriously, like -here comes the hypochondriac again’

I told the doctor about my strange turn, that I couldn’t do anything but lay down, but that I had to go out that day, as I had messages to do, an that i needed to buy cat food, I don’t know why I added that part, perhaps letting him know that, as bad as I was feeling, I had no choice but to go out, he starting making a joke that kitty kat is good, an is nice in sandwiches… I did laugh, but I felt like it was a misplaced joke

That’s what I have to deal with though, I wrote in another post once, that I was having abdominal pain, an went to see him, but that day I wasn’t feeling myself an didn’t want to be touched, he then started pretending that his hand was possessed and he had to hold it back because it really wanted to touch me

I have thought about changing doctors, but I find it hard meeting new people, an trusting them, I’ve mainly stayed because my doctors know me so well, an although I don’t feel I’m getting the help I need, I’m comfortable going there, its safe in a sense

He did a few tests today, and when taking my blood pressure he started suggesting maybe I start weight training, I was like what?… He asked, hadn’t I mentioned training and adrenalin the last time I was there, I felt like saying, what the f….

As I posted before, the last time I saw him, I wrote out a part of my post struggling and gave it to him to read, and that he finally seemed to understand how I was feeling

Although he sees many people in a day, I wasn’t there that long ago, and he didn’t seem to remember any of it

He also told me that a script had been send to the chemists for me a few days ago, but when I went to collect my tablets, there was no script, just luckily he had wrote me one during my appointment today, which was meant for the next time

There is another doctor at my surgery, that I could see, Dr C, she’s more professional, but the last time I saw her, which was a very long time ago, she accused me of using my mental illness as blackmail to get diazepam, at that time I was more suicidal and diazepam were helping me, after that appointment I said I’d never go back to her again

I’m only on 100mg of quetiapine, it once was seroquel, but they changed them to quetiapine because they are cheaper, 100mg does nothing for me, I only took it as seroquel because it had a sedative quality that helped me sleep, any higher dosage an it gave me restless leg syndrome, I don’t even know why I still bother with it

My other tablet is mirtazapine, I asked for it myself, because I know it has a sedative quality and quetiapine don’t, I only take 30mg, before that I was taking duloxetine, but the doctor took them off me for abusing them

Although I’m taking something, I might as well be taking nothing, because I’ve made the doctor modify what I get to suit what I need to get by, I’m not an expert, but my mental illness is beyond the help of the medication I’m on

Every time I’ve been to see the mental health team lately, I’ve been referred to people that don’t have the power to prescribe medication, so no change has been made, so I’ve been trapped in this medication limbo, it hasn’t been reviewed in a few years

I had an appointment with a psychiatrist on the 24th of march, but I went on the 25th instead because my heads so mixed up, an now I have to wait until the 11th of may before I’m seen again, my own fault I guess, but I did ask the doctor to have it pushed forward as I am going through a hard time an can’t wait that long

If you do nothing, you’ll be forgot about, and passed over for someone else, only by seeking out the help, will I be helped