What Will It Take

This anxiety has really taken a hold of me, I explained in my post ‘struggling’ how its affecting my everyday life, but with each day there seems to be a new physical symptom, and I’m wondering how much more I can take, how much can one person handle before it pushes them too far

A few days ago, I started having really bad pains in my head and its stayed ever since, its constant, and pain killers don’t seem to work very well, I became really disorientated and dizzy the other day, I could barely function, at times it even felt like bubbles were popping in my head, I’m also so run down that my right eye has started swelling up

I made an appointment to see the doctor again today with Dr H, I’m guessing by now I seem like some kind of hypochondriac (also known as anxiety illness disorder) I looked up this term to get a better understanding, and it does sound like me but I can’t help how I feel

People with anxiety illness disorder (IAD) are overly focused on, and always thinking about, their physical health. They have an unrealistic fear of having or developing a serious disease. This disorder occurs equally in men and women.

The way people with IAD think about their physical symptoms can make them more likely to have this condition. As they focus on and worry about physical sensations, a cycle of symptoms and worry begins, which can be hard to stop.

It is important to realize that people with IAD do not purposely create these symptoms. They are unable to control the symptoms.

People with IAD are unable to control their fears and worries. They often believe any symptom or sensation is a sign of a serious illness.

They seek out reassurance from family, friends, or health care providers on a regular basis. They feel better for a short time and then begin to worry about the same symptoms or new symptoms.

Symptoms may shift and change, and are often vague. People with IAD often examine their own body.

Some may recognise that their fear of having a serious disease is unreasonable or unfounded.

Illness anxiety disorder is different from somatic symptom disorder. With somatic symptom disorder, the person has physical pain or other symptoms, but the medical cause is not found.

I have been diagnosed with somatic pains before, but at the same time, I feel like I’m not being taken seriously, like -here comes the hypochondriac again’

I told the doctor about my strange turn, that I couldn’t do anything but lay down, but that I had to go out that day, as I had messages to do, an that i needed to buy cat food, I don’t know why I added that part, perhaps letting him know that, as bad as I was feeling, I had no choice but to go out, he starting making a joke that kitty kat is good, an is nice in sandwiches… I did laugh, but I felt like it was a misplaced joke

That’s what I have to deal with though, I wrote in another post once, that I was having abdominal pain, an went to see him, but that day I wasn’t feeling myself an didn’t want to be touched, he then started pretending that his hand was possessed and he had to hold it back because it really wanted to touch me

I have thought about changing doctors, but I find it hard meeting new people, an trusting them, I’ve mainly stayed because my doctors know me so well, an although I don’t feel I’m getting the help I need, I’m comfortable going there, its safe in a sense

He did a few tests today, and when taking my blood pressure he started suggesting maybe I start weight training, I was like what?… He asked, hadn’t I mentioned training and adrenalin the last time I was there, I felt like saying, what the f….

As I posted before, the last time I saw him, I wrote out a part of my post struggling and gave it to him to read, and that he finally seemed to understand how I was feeling

Although he sees many people in a day, I wasn’t there that long ago, and he didn’t seem to remember any of it

He also told me that a script had been send to the chemists for me a few days ago, but when I went to collect my tablets, there was no script, just luckily he had wrote me one during my appointment today, which was meant for the next time

There is another doctor at my surgery, that I could see, Dr C, she’s more professional, but the last time I saw her, which was a very long time ago, she accused me of using my mental illness as blackmail to get diazepam, at that time I was more suicidal and diazepam were helping me, after that appointment I said I’d never go back to her again

I’m only on 100mg of quetiapine, it once was seroquel, but they changed them to quetiapine because they are cheaper, 100mg does nothing for me, I only took it as seroquel because it had a sedative quality that helped me sleep, any higher dosage an it gave me restless leg syndrome, I don’t even know why I still bother with it

My other tablet is mirtazapine, I asked for it myself, because I know it has a sedative quality and quetiapine don’t, I only take 30mg, before that I was taking duloxetine, but the doctor took them off me for abusing them

Although I’m taking something, I might as well be taking nothing, because I’ve made the doctor modify what I get to suit what I need to get by, I’m not an expert, but my mental illness is beyond the help of the medication I’m on

Every time I’ve been to see the mental health team lately, I’ve been referred to people that don’t have the power to prescribe medication, so no change has been made, so I’ve been trapped in this medication limbo, it hasn’t been reviewed in a few years

I had an appointment with a psychiatrist on the 24th of march, but I went on the 25th instead because my heads so mixed up, an now I have to wait until the 11th of may before I’m seen again, my own fault I guess, but I did ask the doctor to have it pushed forward as I am going through a hard time an can’t wait that long

If you do nothing, you’ll be forgot about, and passed over for someone else, only by seeking out the help, will I be helped

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