Letting Out The Hurt

I don’t like the darkness inside myself, but I hurt just like everyone else, its nothing to be ashamed of, but sometimes the darkness has a voice, allowing yourself to listen can be dangerous

Some people deal with things in different ways, some people self harm, but that never worked for me, I like to feel emotion, because I spend so much time blocking everything out, becoming numb and feeling nothing, because it makes me feel safe, but some times I allow myself to feel, I allow my inner voice to speak, and its honesty can hurt, so I allow myself to break down, to cry, to feel, to let out the hurt

At first, I’d cry, I’d say why is this happening to me, I’m a good person, but other times you begin to think that you’re being punished, you doubt yourself, maybe you’re not so good of a person after all

Sometimes I become some one that I don’t want to be, we all know who we really are inside, but this illness takes hold, and compromises my very personality, people see sides to you that they don’t like, but always remember, but its not the real you they see, you always want people to see you for who you really are, and not the illness

You can live your life around mental illness, but at the same time its as though there’s someone behind you, whispering in your ear, never letting you forget

With all the pain I’m having, and how I feel, its slowly chipping away at me everyday, I realised that every time I’ve had, I’ll call them bad times, each time has been worse than the last, and lasts longer

At the moment, I’m in a situation where apart from blogging, I’m just going to have to deal with it on my own (even though I can’t) because I’ve exhausted the help available for the moment, until I see the mental health team again, I’m trying to suffer in silence, I don’t want people to become tired of me complaining

Yesterday I was thinking, I’ve had a couple of days where I haven’t felt as bad, so maybe whatever is happening with me is lifting, I felt a little relieved, I felt more like myself again

Last night I went out with my mum an step dad, nothing special, we were bored an went to the local amusements, just to get out of the house for an hour or so, I don’t know what it was, but I suddenly felt closed in, and overwhelmed, the tv was too loud, it felt as though the place was crowded, even though there was only one other person there, my head starting feeling really strange, fussy, dizzy, like I could pass out and my eyes felt unnaturally heavy

I started to panic, I ran to the bathroom an locked myself in, I looked at myself in the mirror to get some kind of centre, it took me a long time to come around

Even when I feel relaxed, and happier, I’m having these episodes, but the doctors are telling me its anxiety, I’ve tried telling myself that its all in my head, trying to use will power over my illness, but its not working

I woke up today, an I’m right back to where I was a few days ago, I just don’t know what to do anymore, i don’t want to just lay down and give in to it, but its like I can’t handle anything right now, the slightest little thing and I’m having heart palpitations and headaches, I’m becoming more isolated and living in a bubble where everything around me has to be controlled for my own well-being and sanity

I’ve started to think I’m in the middle of a breakdown

Even my mum has said she thinks I’m more ill than I realise, of course I tell her everything, but she says I say things some times that aren’t normal, delusional even

I guess you only think you know yourself, because to you, that is your normal

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