Or should that be the truth…..
I’m still not feeling any better, so my mum convinced me to see the doctor again last week, and ask for something more to be done for me, I kept saying that its a waste of time, that he’ll do nothing for me, so this time I decided to go but stretch the truth to try an force his hand
I told him, that I was in such a mess a few days before, to the point where I had to phone lifeline, and that, only for the fact I refused to give my address, they were going to send someone out to the house
Although this isn’t true, I was in a mess, an at the point where I almost did phone them, I have in the past, and didn’t really find it helpful, an although I may be slowly unravelling, I’m not suicidal
His response was, ‘oh good, when are they coming to see you’ as I just wrote I said I hadn’t given my address, truthfully I was hoping for more of a response, wouldn’t any normal doctor have at least been a little worried?
That was my only lie, which came to nothing anyway, so moving on, I told him about how I’m having bad headaches, pains in my head, how I always feel dizzy and have vertigo, and at times feel really disorientated
He gave me tests, the same tests as last time, cover an eye, point to his finger then my nose, point to which finger he was moving etc, he never gets off his chair, just rolls up beside you, it didn’t help that his groin was pressing up against my knee the whole time
Finally at the end of the appointment, he told me that my anxiety was taking hold of me, I hate that word now, anxiety, every niggle every pain, every time I feel sick, I’m being told the same thing, anxiety, then I’m left to go home an just deal with it
The thing is, I can’t deal with it anymore, Its been weeks, I’m worn out, an there’s only so much a person can take, at one point I became paranoid that my doctors were working together behind my back, because they want me to, I don’t know suffer, I know that’s not true, its just my messed up thoughts
I know its partly down to anxiety that’s making my symptoms worse, and it is beginning to affect my mental state, because its like I can feel the life slowly draining from me, and there are days when I wonder will this be the day something finally happens, which made me write a note to my mum an a make shift will, nothing to do with suicide, just in case something did happen to me, I know that’s extreme, but I can’t help how I feel
Its funny how feeling ill can make you angry, and how that anger can make you more assertive and confident, after a while you feel you have nothing left to lose
I really hope I am an anxious mess, because if I’m not I’ll be going to my solicitor an claiming for negligence, I’m gonna go to A&E soon, maybe this week, and have them do tests, why should I suffer when I can have tests done to reassure me, I just need to be sure, there are stories all the time where peoples symptoms are overlooked
If I’m wrong, which I hope I am, I’ll be the first to admit I’ve wasted everyones time