In The Meantime

They say the definition of insanity, is doing the same thing over an over and expecting a different result, that’s how I felt before today

I had another bad panic attack last night, its horrible being caught in the middle of a panic attack while at the same time you’re slightly sedated by your medication, in the midst of it all I kept saying, I can’t do this anymore, I just can’t do it

I can’t take another night of this torment, so today I did what I said I would, and went to A&E, they don’t have any doctors in our towns A&E, so there wasn’t anything they could do for me, they did contact my doctors surgery, an they made an appointment for me to come in, I actually thought it was my doctor who asked me to come in, but he knew nothing about it

I kept thinking I might as well go home, because I only saw my doctor about a week ago, what more can he really do, I phoned my mum to tell her what happened, and see what she thought I should do, she told me to go to the doctors, and make him do something for me

By this time it was almost four o’clock, and all the schools were getting out, usually I would never be out around that time, because of my social phobia I can’t handle big crowds, but I think because of my nerves and anxiety from going to A&E by myself, an not knowing what would happen, I didn’t care as much

When I saw the doctor he gave me the same tests I talked about in my last post, he also tried to get me do other things like walk across the room for him, I refused, I just couldn’t be bothered, I’m tired of being treated like a seal doing the same tricks on command, and I was annoyed that he made a stupid joke about my head falling off, how I feel isn’t a joke

This time though, he said he’d send me for a brain scan, because I’m only getting worse, and its affecting me mentally

I’m already suffering enough, but this is giving me urges to self harm, but self harming doesn’t do anything for me, I’ve also thought about drinking, but then I think what’s the point

In the meantime, all I can do is try an deal with it the best I can, though I think with mental illness, ‘in the mean time’ can be the hardest time

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