Sometimes, Things Change

Life doesn’t get better by chance, it gets better by change

I’m going through a lot lately, I haven’t felt well for some time now, an until I have my brain scan, I won’t truly know what’s going on, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, but in a way, if all goes well, its a good thing, because its making me look at my life, and making me want to live

I feel myself changing, for the better, I’m beginning to think more about life, my life, an how I’ve wasted so much time out of fear, fear of what might happen, so never taking the chance to find out, that and my social phobia have kept me trapped behind these four walls for so long, until now, where its become my prison

I used to love staying at home, closing the door an shutting the rest of the world out, I’d see people outside, leading their normal lives an be glad I was safe, away from them, because of all the ways they could hurt me, an because I didn’t feel like I belonged, now I look out and wish that I was apart of it

I have been going out a little more often, even if most days that’s just getting a taxi into town, doing a bit of shopping an then walking home, instead of rushing home I’m taking time to enjoy the sunny weather, walking slower to take it all in

I’ve been out for a few meals, and although I felt really uncomfortable, I still enjoyed it, I also went to the circus, I’ve loved it since I was a child, though I don’t feel like I’m pushing myself enough, because to me, these things are still what you’d call safe

In the weeks ahead, I’m going to be starting my driving lessons, I’m applying for my passport, and have shopping trips planned for out of town, I’m also looking into getting concert tickets, I think adele is going on tour this year? I saw that somewhere, its small steps, but its about moving my life forward at this point

I’m also really considering looking into doing a course at college, or ‘tech’ as they call it here, it might come to nothing, but the fact that I’m willing to try, is a big step for me

I feel, dealing with this illness when I was a teenager, or even in my early twenties, was ok, because my life was still ahead of me, I had plenty of time, now at twenty nine (which I know is still young) I feel more like life is moving on without me, one day I’ll look in the mirror, and I’ll see an old man, and wonder where the time went

A life of regret isn’t a life lived

Illness aside, i’ve always felt this strange guilt, that having a life, would leave my family behind, I’ve always felt like I needed to be close to them, so I’ve held myself back on purpose, but like mine, what mum wouldn’t want her child to do well, obviously this isn’t the life she saw for me

I feel its time, all I can do is try


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