Making Progress

This post originally started of complaining about how I’m feeling lately, then I thought no, I don’t want every post to be me rambling on about the negatives, so instead, I’m focusing (mostly) on the positives that have come from how I’m feeling

Just before we get to that… I saw my doctor again this week, as you know every time I see the doctor, Dr H, he keeps telling me its anxiety that’s making me feel ill, that ‘we’ need to get this under control, he does do some physical tests, which to him show that I’m ok, then, apart from stupid jokes all he gives me is paracetamol, before sending me home to just get on with it

I’ve actually been feeling better mentally in some ways lately, mainly that’s down to feeling ill, I guess its a ‘what have I got to lose’ sort of confidence

I’m going out at least once a day, on my own, no taxis, at times that I wouldn’t normally have, I’m taking time to look around and go to different shops, before I would have rushed home after getting what I need

I’ve ordered an paid for meals, where as I used to get someone else to do it for me to avoid going up alone to the counter, I’m walking by certain people that I normally would have avoided, before I would have crossed the road, or went a different way

I’ve started my driving lessons, I’ve only had two so far, but I’m enjoying it, I’m also studying my theory, and trying to keep busy, I went shopping out of town in belfast, which some people will know is a big place, an I’ve arranged to go for a few drinks with an old friend next week

That’s a nice way of saying, my brothers ex girlfriend, just because they have spilt up an moved on and are seeing other people, doesn’t mean I can’t still keep in touch with someone I became friends with

For me this is the life I wanted, a normal life where I’m not afraid an finally feel like I’m part of the real world, I can’t lie and say its easy, but its not as scary as I’ve allowed myself to imagine

I’ve told the doctor this, as a way to prove it couldn’t just be anxiety that’s making me feel ill, that I feel ill an then get anxious, not the other way around, but he won’t listen, he just said that because of how I’m feeling, I shouldn’t be driving

I had to see my solicitor about another matter the other day, but I did bring up about how I’m feeling, and how my doctor won’t do anything (he did agree to send me for a brain scan, but that was just to humour me, and even then that was after many appointments and going to A&E) the solicitor told me that, if the doctor didn’t do enough to help me, and I find that by him delaying proper tests etc, it leads to more serious consequences, I have a case for a claim, and I won’t think twice about it

To be honest, the biggest stress in my life apart from feeling ill, is my family, constantly asking, or should I say hounding me for money, then not paying me for weeks at a time, I explained a bit more about this in my post ‘selfish ways’

You can never do enough, just yesterday my younger brother asked me to pay for his taxi into town, when I said no, he came anyway and told my aunt I had agreed to pay for it, believing him she paid the taxi, which cost her £35, she didn’t have much choice as the taxi man was threatening to go to the police, so then today I had to lend her money again, it was my younger brother asking me to, if he hadn’t come in the taxi there wouldn’t have been a problem

But he knew my older brother had friends over an that they were drinking, he would have done anything to come over, he’s that desperate for a drink

He said when he asks for money, an I say ‘I’ll think about it’ that always means yes, I usually do give in, but not anymore, the sad thing is, they are making me become someone I don’t want to be

They know I’m not well at the moment, but that hasn’t stopped them adding extra stress, they are so selfish sometimes, and don’t think of others

They always say you should never lend family or friends money, because when you ask for it back, you’re the bad guy


Middle Child Misfit

My brothers have only finished another drinking binge which started on friday night, they were ringing me yesterday begging for money, and it got me thinking about the relationship between us and how different I am, compared to how similar they are

Sometimes I think that my older an younger brother should have been the ones to grow up in foster care together (instead of my younger brother an I) and that I should have been the one to grow up at home, because those two are so similar, and we are nothing alike

They wear the same clothes, they get the same hair cut, they talk the same way, they both put on that strut that most men do, by doing all this they follow the trend of all boys/men around here, they are clones of each other, they all look and act alike, I don’t follow the trend, I’m happy to be an individual

They love the life style of ‘partying’, drinking at any opportunity, I can’t say I’m an angel, because I have joined in a few times, I’ll usually be in a bad place before I do though, and just do it to let loose and escape from what I’m going through

They phone, text and message each other over facebook, whereas I don’t even have their mobile numbers, mainly because I have nothing to say to them

My older brother an I have never been close, its funny that having a drink together was the thing to finally get us talking an having some kind of brotherly relationship, though mainly it was because I had become close to his girlfriend, and it was because of her that I’d join in and we’d all do things and go places together, but now that he’s split up with her, she’s not there anymore as a buffer, so I only see us growing apart again

Its hard for me, because she’s my friend, and I still want that friendship but I’m undecided and feel like I’d be betraying my brother, they only broke up, and within two weeks she was with one of my younger brothers old friends, then the calls started with her new boyfriend using private info that only she knew against my brother, thankfully things have calmed down since, an my brother has also sort of met a new girl, even though he’s told her he doesn’t want anything serious

I won’t let myself become close to her, because I don’t see her being around that long

Anyway back to my post….

My younger brother an I grew up together, we were all we really had, but since we left care and moved home, we’ve grown apart, I don’t feel I even know him anymore, he still sees me as that boy he knew back then, even though I’ve changed, he likes to think we know each other better than anyone, but again its the me from back then he sees

The only time I talk to my brothers, is when we visit them, or they phone here looking to talk to our mum an I answer the phone, when they need money or if we all go out somewhere as a family

My older brother is always either drinking, or has just finished a binge, he’s always in a mood an never seems happy, he’s always sick an spends most of his time in his room recovering or asleep, even though he’s thirty now, my aunt has no life at all, constantly running after him, doing everything for him, getting no sleep because he drinks an parties for days, inviting people over and leaving their home in a mess, which my aunt is left to clean

When we visit, he’s always calling our aunt names, either that or he’s threatening her, in the past he used to hit her and leave her face all bruised, which she’d try an hide with her hair

Just yesterday she was limping because he had kneed her in the leg, she told me he was playing and didn’t mean to do it so hard, yet she told my mum that she had been in town for quite a while, which would mean she’d been away from home for some time, an that’s why he did it

When my brother was about five, my aunt would have been about fourteen, he’s convinced that our aunt interfered with him in some sexual way, even though he can’t even remember what happened or even if anything actually did, but yet he holds that against her, and that’s why he treats her that way, or that’s the impression he gives, social services got involved, but nothing came from it, no one ever really talks about it or tries to resolve it, if it was me, I’d ask for the reports an find out once and for all what happened, wouldn’t my aunt want to clear her name (this was one of those private things my brothers ex’s new boyfriend was using against him)

Similarly, my younger brother now lives with his girlfriend, they never really do anything together because he can’t leave the house without having a drink, (saying its because he feels weird everyday) so when they do, he drinks, causes trouble and ruins their day, his girlfriend always ends up getting a bus or taxi home an leaving him behind to get on with it

He’s become like her second child, because he won’t leave the house, she has to do all his messages, then they argue all the time, she has a young baby to think off, so I’m surprised they are still together

He found out some time ago that he has hepatitis C, and hasn’t even told her yet, he got it from using a dirty needle to inject (I think heroine or meth) not to get too into detail as its my brother I’m talking about, but of course they sleep together, and that’s how its easily passed on, she may already have it and doesn’t even know

My mental illness has held me back more than I’d like, but I’m a good example that you can live the same life as everyone else without getting into trouble and ruining peoples lives, people always see me as the nice one, the quiet one, I’m always the one people like and warm to, I guess its a good reputation to have

Maybe its a middle child thing, maybe its just life, but my brothers an I are polar opposites