Making Progress

This post originally started of complaining about how I’m feeling lately, then I thought no, I don’t want every post to be me rambling on about the negatives, so instead, I’m focusing (mostly) on the positives that have come from how I’m feeling

Just before we get to that… I saw my doctor again this week, as you know every time I see the doctor, Dr H, he keeps telling me its anxiety that’s making me feel ill, that ‘we’ need to get this under control, he does do some physical tests, which to him show that I’m ok, then, apart from stupid jokes all he gives me is paracetamol, before sending me home to just get on with it

I’ve actually been feeling better mentally in some ways lately, mainly that’s down to feeling ill, I guess its a ‘what have I got to lose’ sort of confidence

I’m going out at least once a day, on my own, no taxis, at times that I wouldn’t normally have, I’m taking time to look around and go to different shops, before I would have rushed home after getting what I need

I’ve ordered an paid for meals, where as I used to get someone else to do it for me to avoid going up alone to the counter, I’m walking by certain people that I normally would have avoided, before I would have crossed the road, or went a different way

I’ve started my driving lessons, I’ve only had two so far, but I’m enjoying it, I’m also studying my theory, and trying to keep busy, I went shopping out of town in belfast, which some people will know is a big place, an I’ve arranged to go for a few drinks with an old friend next week

That’s a nice way of saying, my brothers ex girlfriend, just because they have spilt up an moved on and are seeing other people, doesn’t mean I can’t still keep in touch with someone I became friends with

For me this is the life I wanted, a normal life where I’m not afraid an finally feel like I’m part of the real world, I can’t lie and say its easy, but its not as scary as I’ve allowed myself to imagine

I’ve told the doctor this, as a way to prove it couldn’t just be anxiety that’s making me feel ill, that I feel ill an then get anxious, not the other way around, but he won’t listen, he just said that because of how I’m feeling, I shouldn’t be driving

I had to see my solicitor about another matter the other day, but I did bring up about how I’m feeling, and how my doctor won’t do anything (he did agree to send me for a brain scan, but that was just to humour me, and even then that was after many appointments and going to A&E) the solicitor told me that, if the doctor didn’t do enough to help me, and I find that by him delaying proper tests etc, it leads to more serious consequences, I have a case for a claim, and I won’t think twice about it

To be honest, the biggest stress in my life apart from feeling ill, is my family, constantly asking, or should I say hounding me for money, then not paying me for weeks at a time, I explained a bit more about this in my post ‘selfish ways’

You can never do enough, just yesterday my younger brother asked me to pay for his taxi into town, when I said no, he came anyway and told my aunt I had agreed to pay for it, believing him she paid the taxi, which cost her £35, she didn’t have much choice as the taxi man was threatening to go to the police, so then today I had to lend her money again, it was my younger brother asking me to, if he hadn’t come in the taxi there wouldn’t have been a problem

But he knew my older brother had friends over an that they were drinking, he would have done anything to come over, he’s that desperate for a drink

He said when he asks for money, an I say ‘I’ll think about it’ that always means yes, I usually do give in, but not anymore, the sad thing is, they are making me become someone I don’t want to be

They know I’m not well at the moment, but that hasn’t stopped them adding extra stress, they are so selfish sometimes, and don’t think of others

They always say you should never lend family or friends money, because when you ask for it back, you’re the bad guy


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