Somedays, Its A Pretty Ok Life

Sometimes our feelings and emotions can take on a voice of their own, they all surround you all talking at once until you just want to curl up in a ball cover your ears an drown them out, i feel trapped inside my own head sometimes

With what’s going on with me lately, I feel like I’m slightly losing myself

I’ve been so up an down lately, I’m so up an down everyday, just yesterday I took another bad turn, I felt really strange, I quickly got dressed because I had to get out, I was panicking an my heart was beating like crazy, I went out for fresh air an I was almost crying because I kept thinking not again, whatever is happening with me is pure torment, its been day in day out for months an I can’t take it anymore

The doctors keep saying its anxiety an I guess I have to take their word for it

On a side note, have you ever told anyone you feel stressed, you use the word stressed instead of anxiety because admitting you have a mental illness to someone you don’t know that well makes them look at you in a different light, then that person says, what are you stressed about, but in a really patronising way as though they expect you to say something mundane, if only they knew, but its so annoying

Anyway, i walked into town, though I was like a zombie, I didn’t want to be around anyone, I didn’t want to talk about it, to be reminded of it, in case it triggered another episode, so i went gambling again, which I don’t even enjoy anymore, because sometimes I lose a lot of money, but its an escape

This town has nothing to do, these days its filled with cafes, bars and barbers, so if you’re hungry, wanna get drunk or get a hair cut your fine, otherwise there’s nothing

There’s a woman we see all the time, that is a regular at the casino, when we’ve been out getting a smoke, I have told her how I’m feeling, one day she cornered me, asking me do I believe in angels, she started telling me that I should come to her house, that she can heal me, that people come to her all the time, she also does psychic readings, she started telling me I’m insecure, an that there’s something in my past that I haven’t gotten over, I felt really uncomfortable

I felt pressured into agreeing to go to her house, though I never have, I think my mental health team is where I should be getting help from, they are properly trained, an they don’t charge money

But Dr C is right, people see people like me, an they try to take advantage

As you know I’ve been taking driving lessons, but lately I’m finding it really hard to concentrate, the doctor has told me that with what’s happening with me, I shouldn’t even be driving, so I have taken a week off, but I’m back out tomorrow again

I’m still trying to live my life, I’ve made so much progress lately with my social phobia, my confidence and my assertiveness, I don’t want feeling ill to hold me back

I know you love my family drama, so what would a post of mine be without a little update

Now an again I’ve been going out for lunch with my aunt, she turned up one day with a cut on her head, she was telling everyone that she was looking in a drawer lifted her head an hit it off a cupboard door, an that it also made the crown on her tooth fall off

Straight away I got suspicious, I knew she was lying, so did mum, I knew my older brother had probably done it, an she was covering it up

I was honest with her, an told her what I thought, instead of denying it, straight away she started looking at her hands, wondering how she got ink on her fingers, which is just weird, so of course I knew I was right

My brother eventually admitted it to my mum, he had been drinking an asked her for a cigarette, when she got angry, as he’d been drinking for days, keeping her up an destroying their home, he smashed a vase over her head, as for the tooth, I’m not sure, he must have hit her too

I think the fact that she lied last time something happened, we all knew, last time he had kneed her in the leg, she was showing us the bruise, saying that it had been him messing around an didn’t mean to do it so hard, but of course it turned out to be lies, an it was intentional

We are always saying to her, why do you put up with it, she has no life, she needs to tell him to move out, or she has too, but she never does, come the next day its all rosey again as though nothing has happened, it may sound cruel, but I’m starting to not have sympathy for her anymore, because this has been going on for over fifteen years, and my aunt is no pushover either

Tonight we went bowling as a family an then for a meal, everyone was on good form, it was nice doing something normal together for once, with no one drinking or fighting, its the first time we’ve all come together properly since christmas

My head was playing up a little, but I pushed it aside, I ended up winning 3 out of our 4 games, but then my aunt is rubbish, an my mum has a bad arm, but my older brother is quite competitive, but as long as we had fun that was the main thing, which we did, my younger brother wasn’t with us, which was sad, but we still had a good day

If everyday could be this way, it would be a pretty ok life

Watered Down

Some things in life, we can overcome on our own, and other times we need to ask for help

Today I saw the doctor again, this time Dr C, as some of you know I haven’t seen her in a very long time, mainly as she accused me of using my mental state as a form of blackmail to get more diazepam, back then they were the only things keeping me stable

But I thought, hey what have I got to lose, at the very least she’ll give me a second opinion, that opinion being the same as Dr H, anxiety and somatic symptoms, with cluster migraines, she did give me a tablet to help though, better than Dr H who just gave me paracetamol

She was nice to me today, more professional than Dr H, she listened, but then at the same time, she talked, a lot, I got the feeling that she needs someone to talk to, I also got the impression that she’s very paranoid and insecure, and not very trusting of other people

She opened up about her own life, complaining about other patients, an about how people use her to climb the social ladder, how people like to say they are friends with her, or can say she’s been to one of their parties, about how she’s given out her number to people an they abuse it by ringing her about medical matters

If I’m honest, after a while I began to feel a little uncomfortable, I felt like it was becoming too personal, but I guess that was her way of comparing how people take advantage of people like me, an I guess her

She did give me advice on things that might help with my anxiety, but her advice is from her own experience, like doing yoga, buying audio books, or taking an arts an crafts class like she does, she’s making a mat out of a potato sack, in case you wanted to know!

Her point was mostly to do with escapism, but with her its like a lecture on how to do it properly

On the taking advantage part, my older brother phoned last night looking me to lend him money for alcohol, when I said no, he said that I’m not getting a penny of the money he owes me, which is now £520, an that there was nothing I could do about it, he also threatened me, saying he would come to the house

I guess it didn’t help that I sent a message saying for him to pay me my money an leave me alone

Earlier yesterday, I had already given his friend money for petrol, I’m guessing it was so they could do a drug run for more meth, and a few days before I lent him £150 so he could afford to buy his son a new playstation

If you read my blog, you’ll know how ill I am lately, I don’t need the stress of my own brother turning on me, but as I said to myself, he’ll come to me long before I need him

I was glad today that I also had an appointment with the mental health team, as It was an assessment, I thought it would have been with a psychiatrist, instead it was with a social worker, I can’t lie an say I wasn’t disappointed, an I let her know it, she wasn’t happy of course an started defending herself an her credentials, which they all do

I’m not new to this, an sometimes I do play a bit of a cat an mouse game, I like to see them squirm a bit if I’m annoyed

It was funny how I found out she was a social worker, as you may know, I grew up in foster care, so I’m well used to social workers, anyway, during the assessment she said, if you could wake up tomorrow, and everything was perfect, what would things be like, I said, its funny, my social workers always used to say that, to which she laughed an said she was a social worker

They actually used to say, if you had a magic wand… But its funny how they all use that same drivel

I did open up as best I could, an she was shocked when i told her how Dr H treats me sometimes, now she has to pass all that on to ‘the team’ in their next staff meeting, that’s partly why I was disappointed, she had no power to make change like a psychiatrist can, people like her to me, are like little minions, running around gathering information, all the while watering down or diluting your words, twisting what you say, putting down negatives as positives, so by the time it reaches someone with the power to make change, you’re not really worth their time anyway, so things stay the same

An example is when we were talking about self harm, about me being at risk to myself, an how I see my future, or something like that, I said I couldn’t see myself living this way for another five maybe ten years, I just couldn’t cope, but she put it down as me saying I see myself feeling better in five years, which is true, had I used those words

She did say she thinks I could benefit from this anxiety group thing they’re doing, whether it would help me or not, I just don’t want to be around mental illness, I just don’t think its healthy for me personally, I work better one to one, an besides I get enough experience being around my family without adding anymore

For now all I can do is live my life as best I can, wait an see what the mental health team comes up with, an go from there