Watered Down

Some things in life, we can overcome on our own, and other times we need to ask for help

Today I saw the doctor again, this time Dr C, as some of you know I haven’t seen her in a very long time, mainly as she accused me of using my mental state as a form of blackmail to get more diazepam, back then they were the only things keeping me stable

But I thought, hey what have I got to lose, at the very least she’ll give me a second opinion, that opinion being the same as Dr H, anxiety and somatic symptoms, with cluster migraines, she did give me a tablet to help though, better than Dr H who just gave me paracetamol

She was nice to me today, more professional than Dr H, she listened, but then at the same time, she talked, a lot, I got the feeling that she needs someone to talk to, I also got the impression that she’s very paranoid and insecure, and not very trusting of other people

She opened up about her own life, complaining about other patients, an about how people use her to climb the social ladder, how people like to say they are friends with her, or can say she’s been to one of their parties, about how she’s given out her number to people an they abuse it by ringing her about medical matters

If I’m honest, after a while I began to feel a little uncomfortable, I felt like it was becoming too personal, but I guess that was her way of comparing how people take advantage of people like me, an I guess her

She did give me advice on things that might help with my anxiety, but her advice is from her own experience, like doing yoga, buying audio books, or taking an arts an crafts class like she does, she’s making a mat out of a potato sack, in case you wanted to know!

Her point was mostly to do with escapism, but with her its like a lecture on how to do it properly

On the taking advantage part, my older brother phoned last night looking me to lend him money for alcohol, when I said no, he said that I’m not getting a penny of the money he owes me, which is now £520, an that there was nothing I could do about it, he also threatened me, saying he would come to the house

I guess it didn’t help that I sent a message saying for him to pay me my money an leave me alone

Earlier yesterday, I had already given his friend money for petrol, I’m guessing it was so they could do a drug run for more meth, and a few days before I lent him £150 so he could afford to buy his son a new playstation

If you read my blog, you’ll know how ill I am lately, I don’t need the stress of my own brother turning on me, but as I said to myself, he’ll come to me long before I need him

I was glad today that I also had an appointment with the mental health team, as It was an assessment, I thought it would have been with a psychiatrist, instead it was with a social worker, I can’t lie an say I wasn’t disappointed, an I let her know it, she wasn’t happy of course an started defending herself an her credentials, which they all do

I’m not new to this, an sometimes I do play a bit of a cat an mouse game, I like to see them squirm a bit if I’m annoyed

It was funny how I found out she was a social worker, as you may know, I grew up in foster care, so I’m well used to social workers, anyway, during the assessment she said, if you could wake up tomorrow, and everything was perfect, what would things be like, I said, its funny, my social workers always used to say that, to which she laughed an said she was a social worker

They actually used to say, if you had a magic wand… But its funny how they all use that same drivel

I did open up as best I could, an she was shocked when i told her how Dr H treats me sometimes, now she has to pass all that on to ‘the team’ in their next staff meeting, that’s partly why I was disappointed, she had no power to make change like a psychiatrist can, people like her to me, are like little minions, running around gathering information, all the while watering down or diluting your words, twisting what you say, putting down negatives as positives, so by the time it reaches someone with the power to make change, you’re not really worth their time anyway, so things stay the same

An example is when we were talking about self harm, about me being at risk to myself, an how I see my future, or something like that, I said I couldn’t see myself living this way for another five maybe ten years, I just couldn’t cope, but she put it down as me saying I see myself feeling better in five years, which is true, had I used those words

She did say she thinks I could benefit from this anxiety group thing they’re doing, whether it would help me or not, I just don’t want to be around mental illness, I just don’t think its healthy for me personally, I work better one to one, an besides I get enough experience being around my family without adding anymore

For now all I can do is live my life as best I can, wait an see what the mental health team comes up with, an go from there


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