Somedays, Its A Pretty Ok Life

Sometimes our feelings and emotions can take on a voice of their own, they all surround you all talking at once until you just want to curl up in a ball cover your ears an drown them out, i feel trapped inside my own head sometimes

With what’s going on with me lately, I feel like I’m slightly losing myself

I’ve been so up an down lately, I’m so up an down everyday, just yesterday I took another bad turn, I felt really strange, I quickly got dressed because I had to get out, I was panicking an my heart was beating like crazy, I went out for fresh air an I was almost crying because I kept thinking not again, whatever is happening with me is pure torment, its been day in day out for months an I can’t take it anymore

The doctors keep saying its anxiety an I guess I have to take their word for it

On a side note, have you ever told anyone you feel stressed, you use the word stressed instead of anxiety because admitting you have a mental illness to someone you don’t know that well makes them look at you in a different light, then that person says, what are you stressed about, but in a really patronising way as though they expect you to say something mundane, if only they knew, but its so annoying

Anyway, i walked into town, though I was like a zombie, I didn’t want to be around anyone, I didn’t want to talk about it, to be reminded of it, in case it triggered another episode, so i went gambling again, which I don’t even enjoy anymore, because sometimes I lose a lot of money, but its an escape

This town has nothing to do, these days its filled with cafes, bars and barbers, so if you’re hungry, wanna get drunk or get a hair cut your fine, otherwise there’s nothing

There’s a woman we see all the time, that is a regular at the casino, when we’ve been out getting a smoke, I have told her how I’m feeling, one day she cornered me, asking me do I believe in angels, she started telling me that I should come to her house, that she can heal me, that people come to her all the time, she also does psychic readings, she started telling me I’m insecure, an that there’s something in my past that I haven’t gotten over, I felt really uncomfortable

I felt pressured into agreeing to go to her house, though I never have, I think my mental health team is where I should be getting help from, they are properly trained, an they don’t charge money

But Dr C is right, people see people like me, an they try to take advantage

As you know I’ve been taking driving lessons, but lately I’m finding it really hard to concentrate, the doctor has told me that with what’s happening with me, I shouldn’t even be driving, so I have taken a week off, but I’m back out tomorrow again

I’m still trying to live my life, I’ve made so much progress lately with my social phobia, my confidence and my assertiveness, I don’t want feeling ill to hold me back

I know you love my family drama, so what would a post of mine be without a little update

Now an again I’ve been going out for lunch with my aunt, she turned up one day with a cut on her head, she was telling everyone that she was looking in a drawer lifted her head an hit it off a cupboard door, an that it also made the crown on her tooth fall off

Straight away I got suspicious, I knew she was lying, so did mum, I knew my older brother had probably done it, an she was covering it up

I was honest with her, an told her what I thought, instead of denying it, straight away she started looking at her hands, wondering how she got ink on her fingers, which is just weird, so of course I knew I was right

My brother eventually admitted it to my mum, he had been drinking an asked her for a cigarette, when she got angry, as he’d been drinking for days, keeping her up an destroying their home, he smashed a vase over her head, as for the tooth, I’m not sure, he must have hit her too

I think the fact that she lied last time something happened, we all knew, last time he had kneed her in the leg, she was showing us the bruise, saying that it had been him messing around an didn’t mean to do it so hard, but of course it turned out to be lies, an it was intentional

We are always saying to her, why do you put up with it, she has no life, she needs to tell him to move out, or she has too, but she never does, come the next day its all rosey again as though nothing has happened, it may sound cruel, but I’m starting to not have sympathy for her anymore, because this has been going on for over fifteen years, and my aunt is no pushover either

Tonight we went bowling as a family an then for a meal, everyone was on good form, it was nice doing something normal together for once, with no one drinking or fighting, its the first time we’ve all come together properly since christmas

My head was playing up a little, but I pushed it aside, I ended up winning 3 out of our 4 games, but then my aunt is rubbish, an my mum has a bad arm, but my older brother is quite competitive, but as long as we had fun that was the main thing, which we did, my younger brother wasn’t with us, which was sad, but we still had a good day

If everyday could be this way, it would be a pretty ok life

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One response to “Somedays, Its A Pretty Ok Life

  1. Wow! You have a lot of family drama! Perhaps that is causing a little anxiety. I’ve been having some anxiety in the morning. I hope you feel better soon. lily

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