Lifes A Funny Old Thing

Today as I was getting ready to go into town, I was looking in the mirror fixing my hair, and although I haven’t changed that much over the years, it was like looking at my younger self again, the me from about ten years ago, it must have been the face I was making without realising it

That moment was so strange, because it was like looking at someone else, someone you remember, maybe from memory, or from a photograph

I imagine sometimes if I could wake up in the body of myself say ten years from now, where would I be, what would my life be like, I used to think this way when I was younger, time never moved fast enough for me

Being silly one day I closed my eyes, when I opened them I imagined that me from ten years ago was now in the present day, I guess it helps cut through your denial, was I happy with what I saw, no, coupled with all my memories of the last ten years, I now know the answer to the question I wondered back then

I don’t really like to look back unless I have to, i like to think that each day is a new beginning, what happened yesterday was the me from that day, today is another version of myself, maybe its a coping mechanism I don’t know

I’m just in a weird head space right now, I feel like I’m moving forward while standing still, I’m trying to live, but I feel so trapped

Today I took a nice walk, by myself, I like when I get moments where I feel like I can actually breathe, time where I can actually think clearly, you can’t run from yourself, but its strange how you can walk off your problems sometimes, maybe its the extra oxygen to your brain

Anyway, enough of my rambling

Yesterday my older brother was drinking again asking me for money, but this time I said no, an stuck to it, I was actually surprised that he didn’t fight me on it

Later on, I got a phone call from my younger brother also drinking and also asking for money, he had fallen out with his girlfriend again, she recently found out she’s pregnant, so that was drama enough in itself

They always make mum put me on the phone, where they beg an beg until I eventually give in, but this time I’d had enough, since I was awarded my claim in december, I haven’t had a moments peace, for seven months now I’ve been constantly asked for money an its really beginning to stress me out, I can’t get peace to enjoy it, sometimes I wish I’d never gotten it at all

So when I took the call, my younger brother wanted me to lend him the money for a taxi, he started telling me he was suicidal an that he needed to get away, that he wanted to come here an talk to mum, I knew he just wanted to get here so he could drink with our older brother

During the call, i told him that mum was only on the other end of the phone if he wanted to talk, that he needed to grow up, that part of growing up means you have to deal with your problems instead of running from them, he wouldn’t listen, so I just told him there was no talking to him, that he was only waiting to hear the answer he wanted

When I said I wasn’t going to do it, he told me to go ‘F’ myself, I later found out he was going to phone the taxi anyway, in doing so trying to force me to pay for it, one minute my older brother was telling us not to lend him the money, then within an hour, he was ringing asking could anyone lend it

He eventually got a lift by giving some man an old phone that doesn’t even work, in exchange for a lift

This is what its like for me, I’ve done so much for them an when I say no they turn on me

As I told you before, last time I said no to my older brother, he said I wasn’t getting a penny of the money he owed me, an that there was nothing I could do about it, an that he was going to land down to our house, to do what, I don’t know, but its pretty obvious

My aunt an younger brother have also told me lies to get money from me, my aunt lied that she needed money to keep her going, but really it was to get money for my older brother, who I’d already said no to, my younger brother said he an his girlfriend needed money as they didn’t have food in the house, his girlfriend told me it was a lie, that she always puts money away for things like that

Just the other day, my younger brother said that he was having a hard time with money lately, but I’m constantly hearing he drinks an gambles it, sometimes putting on two hundred pound football bets, but yet he can’t pay me

Even my mum fell out with me once over this money, that day my aunt had asked for a loan, I told her no, my mum an step dad are always saying its not fair to me, an they know how stressful it is for me, an how its making me ill, but mum still asks me, that day I said its not fair that its one rule for one an not for the other, she got angry, was quite rude, an we didn’t talk for about two days

It takes a lot of emotional strength when you have to go through one of these phone calls, an fall outs, usually I give in, because its easier to say yes than to be put through the stress of it all, every time they use emotional blackmail to wear you down

Today my younger brother needed a way home after his night of drinking, as he always does, he comes here to town, drinks an then clears off back home to his girlfriend, his birthday is in less than two weeks, so he asked me for the money I was giving him early, I agreed because he was getting it anyway, he apologised for the way he spoke to me, I just said yeah to the next time

My mums birthday is in ten days, that’s the next time we’ll all be coming together again as a family, there’s that feeling of dread, of what might happen, because in this family, you never know

To finnish this post, I’m going to start another short story soon, I enjoyed my last one, so I thought I’d write another

This one will be a lot darker, it will be based around a woman who to look at is beautiful, but she can’t see that reflected back at her in the mirror, she slowly unravels with the pressure she feels to be perfect, she feels the need to be wanted, but never feels good enough, her jealously and delusion slowly pushing her to the edge

It will be hard for me to write, as I’m not the best writer, but its a challenge, the first teaser/preview I hope will be ready this friday, so if you enjoyed my last short story ‘legend of the waste-land witches’ and its sequel ‘the coven’ stay tuned…

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