No Smoke Without Fire

I hope those who read the new short story I wrote ‘tell me I’m beautiful’ liked it, just wanna say thank you for the likes an for taking the time to read it, means a lot to me 🙂

I like that I can add something different to my blog, its the same in my real life, I get too talk about the problems I face, but also those of my family members, it makes for a different dynamic

As I mentioned before, I’m just in a strange head space, I think with everything that’s been going on with me, an having to deal with it now on a daily basis its really starting to wear me down, it takes so much effort and will power to get up in the morning, an also to get ready to go out, which I’ve started doing everyday, I feel the need to, I feel suffocated inside, sometimes quite lonely, its where I feel most ill, most anxious an depressed, it becomes like a prison

Ever since I started feeling ill, about five months ago, I started worrying about what might be going on, which in a strange way helped with my mental illness at first, I was living each day with a sort of, what have I got to lose mentality, I was more assertive, more confident, I was challenging my fears, an overcoming a lot of what held me back

At first I liked being around, an among other people, I felt a sense of freedom, I felt normal, but as time has past, an I’ve become more worn down, being out in public is beginning to make me become more negative, walking past people, in my mind I’ll be telling them to move, when someone gets in my way I get cross, I get frustrated when places are quite busy, when people are talking to me I can’t be bothered to listen, I’m willing them to get to the point, I’ve never really been someone who’s patient, but at the same time I’m never rude, though I have had times when I can’t control myself

I know these are feelings any normal person would have from time to time, but sometimes I really hate having to share the world with other people, its always so busy, so fussy, you try to be polite, holding the door for someone, moving out of some ones way etc but other people act as though that’s how they expect to be treated, with no thank you an its not reciprocated, the world really has a way of beating you down sometimes if you let it, but I’ll still move, I’ll smile, but inside I could be calling you a b*tch

In the back-ground my head issues are always there, you know that feeling you get with brain freeze, or when blood rushes to your head, I feel that way all the time, also dizzy an disorientated, sometimes like I’ve been drugged, sometimes it affects my eyesight or my jaw, some nights I’ll have creeping paralysis, I’ll just want to sleep, to end the day, but I can’t, its a lot to live with when it begins to affect your mood like it is with me, its relentless

With my mental health team, and doctors, I feel like I’m continuously left out in the cold, I feel so alone in this illness, and I’m getting nowhere, after so many appointments, at first all I got was paracetamol, something I could have bought myself in any shop, the brain scan which I’m still waiting for you know was just to humour me

I’m always ringing, asking is there anything else they can give me, because these new migraine tablets are useless, but the doctor keeps asking me to come in an see him, what more can I say that they don’t already know, its pushing me to the edge an they do nothing, I’d really love to lash out at them, an tell them where they can shove it, but that wouldn’t get me anywhere would it

When you’re happy in your own life, things are so easy to deal with, but when you’re ill an going through a hard time, one wrong look from someone an you have a break down, I feel like I’m living that way every day, on the width of a hair, I can go either way so fast, the emotional ups an downs that often in a single day is so exhausting

A rant is good sometimes…

Its hard in this family to talk to anyone, because after a while no one wants to listen, they tune out, or they only want you to hear their problems, you never feel like you can have your own moment, its always over shadowed

The other day my older brother had a fall out with a friend, or should I really call him a drinking buddy, anyway they fell out, an it must have been heated, because they ended up hitting each other, strangely that same night my aunt had two bricks thrown at her bedroom window, luckily they missed, it happens all the time, its usually a back lash from something my brother an his friends have done while drunk, I feel so bad for my aunt, she’s done nothing wrong

That night after the fight, my brother ended up taking an overdose of his medication, he never takes them any other time, so that’s why he always has a large supply, after the overdose, which thankfully wasn’t serious, he started cutting himself

Also while drunk recently, he phoned his probation officer, yes he’s on probation, is that really a surprise? Anyway he phoned her an started talking to her in very sexual way saying really inappropriate things, so now they’re looking him in for a chat

I don’t want to get involved, an I’m not taking anything away from how he’s feeling, but I did say that after this, if he doesn’t look at his life an think that he needs to change, then he likely never will

Its just another day in the crazy life that is my family

Only a few days before I had my younger brother phoning me, he had fallen out with his girlfriend, who as I told you is now pregnant, looking me to pay a taxi for him into town, saying he was suicidal an needed to get away, but I know he just wanted to come to town to drink with my older brother, which he did after giving some man an old phone for a lift, then using his birthday money from me to get home, I explained more of this in my last post

I try to avoid my family at times now if I’m honest, it isn’t a contest, but sometimes it does almost feel like a competition for who’s the most ill, or worse off, its hard to have your own moment, just a moment when its not all about someone else, or when the only reply you get is, so am I

As I mentioned before, next thursday is my mum birthday, its the first time in a while that we’ll all be coming together as a family again, I’m slightly dreading it, but time will tell

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2 responses to “No Smoke Without Fire

  1. The beginning of your post I could have written (should have written) myself. I felt exactly the same way as you. Everything was off, I was exhausted, and everywhere I turned I was surrounded by idiots. I actually shouted out my car window at some poor old man, whose only fault was that he didn’t put on his hazards and wanted me to go around him, “You cocksucker!!!” I couldn’t believe it!! Not that I never swear, but that I had sworn, in public, at the top of my lungs, no less! And the worst part was, at first I thought he deserved it. I was so mad!! Blocks later I finally calmed down and was mortified. I mean, really! What was wrong with me?? So I finally went to a psychiatrist, and figured out I was bi-polar. She put me on Lamictal, which really helped calm me down and keeps me from getting really over the top angry, and also seems to help with the migraines, although I also changed my diet so that might be it. But thank God I don’t have to deal with my family as you do! I don’t think there’s any medication in the world that would see me through. Good luck, be strong!

    • It does take a lot of emotional strength sometimes, not just from my situation, but from what you’ve said, for yours too, sometimes I’d love to just say who cares and just say what’s on my mind, but having to see those people again, when I might not be as angrily confident helps hold me back, its also amazing what a deep breath can do sometimes 😀

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