Attached To A New Label

It’s been three weeks since I had my brain scan, the results came back and its all clear, I’m so relieved! I only found out a week ago, that’s when I was meant to post this, but kept putting it off

Over the last say three years, there were a few times I did take meth, which I regret, I’d get drunk and take a bit, it was never a habit, just a habit I got into if that makes sense, it was rare but still that’s no excuse, i haven’t touched it since the start of january, and I won’t again! I’m just glad it didn’t do any damage

I’ve had other types of scans and xrays in the past, all again thankfully clear, but this time i had convinced myself that you don’t get this many chances in life, that this time I wouldn’t be so lucky, I just told myself whatever happened, I’d deal with it

On the day of the scan, i decided to go alone, I didn’t really want anyone there who I could talk too, because my nerves were bad enough with my own thoughts

In the waiting area I was getting nervous, and I became very emotional, fear I guess and that finally the day was here, in the scan room the ceiling above had a big lit up picture on it, water, rocks and an overhanging tree bathed in colours of a sunset, you couldn’t see it while going though the scanner anyway, an besides I kept my eyes closed the whole time, all the while breathing heavily, I tried to block out my thoughts, thoughts of all the people who had gone before me, the scan was quick which I was grateful for, and the nurse was really nice which helped also

I asked the nurse could she tell me anything to put my mind at rest, she said she couldn’t as there were over 400 images to look at, but if my symptoms got worse, I could request the results quicker, hearing that didn’t help much

I went to see doctor C a few days after that, I wanted my bloods done to rule out anything else that may be going on, cholesterol etc, she was rude to me as usual, telling me how expensive the tests were, and how people want the tests just for the sake of knowing but don’t change their lifestyle, back to her old self again I thought to myself, I knew I couldn’t open up to her so I left feeling alone in my illness again

Not to be over dramatic, but this has been the worst year of my life, I’m surprised I’ve stayed as stable as I am, mental illness aside, I’ve been ill now for seven months, and its like every part of my body is turning against me, I had another doctors appointment shortly after the last one, this time it was Dr H, he now thinks I may have fibromyalgia, so that may be a new thing I’m labelled with

I looked it up, and it sounds exactly like me lately, symptoms include feeling tired to a degree that normal activities are affected, sleep disturbance, joint stiffness. Some people also report difficulty with swallowing, bowel and bladder abnormalities, numbness, tingling and cognitive dysfunction, fibromyalgia is frequently associated with psychiatric conditions, such as depression and anxiety, it also causes pain in many areas of the body

That aside, I just wanted to share my good news with you


It All Seems Never Ending

Its been a stressful few days to say the least, my brothers are drinking again, and have been for days, my younger brothers girlfriend threw him out so he’s living with our older brother and aunt again, having my two brothers under the same roof is never a good thing

Besides their health, in my opinion I wouldn’t care if they drank everyday, its what happens when they are drunk that’s the problem

From falling and stumbling while drunk, they’ve smashed so many of the things my aunts spent quite a lot of money on to make their home nice, my aunts living room floor is lifting because of all the drinks they’ve split, and she’s had to throw out expensive rugs because they were so soaked with drink they couldn’t be cleaned

The other day my brothers were in town, I’m guessing to get more alcohol, my older brother had made some comments to a man, probably acting smart as usual, the man had then hit him, my brother saying it didn’t even hurt, only in worse language than that, had then got punched again, this time it split his lip

My mum had gone up to visit them shortly after that, because they are constantly ringing asking her to, I don’t know why she bothers because they are causing her so much stress, every time they are drunk now, they ring her and say really inappropriate sexual things, things a son should never say to their mother

My brothers had started fighting which they always seem to do now, my mum had gotten in between them to split them up, and accidentally got punched, mum and my older brother fell out after that, and some not so nice things were said, it ended with my older brother threatened to take an over-dose

On tuesday, my younger brothers girlfriend rang my mum in tears, my older brother had put up on facebook that our younger brother had died, my older brother smashed his phone, so was using my aunts, he had used my aunts phone to go into her facebook to make it look like she had written about it too, most people knew it wasn’t true, but some believed it, others were very angry about it, my brothers of course thought it was funny

My older brother later tried to spin the story, saying his facebook had been hacked, everyone knew it was lies, people were even threatening them over it, as they see it as a mockery of people they have lost

Last night my aunt phoned me nearly in tears, someone had yet again smashed her kitchen window, my older brother had quickly jumped over the fence this time and caught the boy who did it, my younger brother then started threatening the boys mother with ours, which he does often, our mum wants nothing to do with their behaviour

They are on the waiting list at the moment to move house, but with the way my brothers are acting, trouble will follow them no matter where they go, I’ve told my aunt many times she needs to get a place of her own, and leave them to do what they want, she has no life, she’s trapped, but she never listens

The way my brothers are going, they’ll either end up in prison, hospital, or perhaps worse

I actually leave a lot out of these posts, about what they get up to sometimes, because it’d make you sick, it makes me sick, its how far they go while drunk, and the things they do to each other, drunken behaviour which they think is funny, I’ll leave that to your own imagination

Tonight my younger brother used my aunts phone to ring me, as they don’t have my number, you can understand why, he wouldn’t believe it was me talking at first so for about ten minutes I had to listen to him asking who’s this, and that’s not you etc, I kept asking him what he wanted, an saying that I’d hang up if he didn’t talk sense, he started saying he was coming to the house an that I better be ready, then started laughing, as if pretending to threaten me was funny, he called me names an then hung up on me, his head is probably that messed up from the drink and god knows what else, this is what we have to deal with on a regular basis

I’ve seen my mum so upset lately as a result of how they are behaving, the stress isn’t good for her, she had tests done with the doctor lately, thank god she got the all clear, she’s ok physically at least

In this family, its one thing after another, yesterday my uncle/mums brother, was taken into hospital with chest pains and problems breathing, he later signed himself out an is back at work today, even though the pains have returned and he was told to rest

Today our dog took another seizure, my mum called me from downstairs crying and panicking, they took the dog to the vet, and now we have to wait on blood results to see if she has epilepsy, its yet another thing on my mums mind

Tomorrow I have my brain scan to find out why I’m taking these strange turns, I’m sure she’s worried about that also, I know I am, but I haven’t mentioned it, it wouldn’t be fair, though I have felt slightly better over the last two weeks or so, I’ll let you know how it goes

It all seems never ending sometimes…

Some Things Never Change

Its not an easy thing to say, when you tell yourself you can’t stand to be around your family anymore

A few days ago, my younger brother was phoning our house, saying his mental health is the worst its ever been, and that he was suicidal, and having bad thoughts, he said he was going to the hospital and was going to try getting signed in or sectioned

I don’t want to take anything away from him, but my younger brother has a bad habit of lying, and exaggerating things, his girlfriend had said he was in good form all day, until he started drinking

He eventually did go to the hospital, but I knew that with drink in him, he wouldn’t be seen, I also know the hospital usually keeps you there all night an you see the psychiatrist the next morning, having to wait my brother gave up an came home, which makes me wonder how serious he actually was, he blames everything on mental illness, and uses it as emotional blackmail against people

A couple of days, if not the next, my older brother started drinking, lately he’s been drinking by himself as he’s fallen out with everyone that gave him the time of day, so he has no one else to drink with now, he came down to our house, saying he wanted to see mum for a while, but of course he brought the drink with him, an was drinking it like water the whole time, as he got worse he started stumbling an falling into things, demanding I give him hair gel and aftershave, an getting annoyed when I wouldn’t take off my coat to let him try it on, to be honest I could smell his BO, and I didn’t want it rubbing off onto my new coat

As more time past, he could hardly even talk, but my brothers have a habit of putting that on a bit, for no reason he started head-butting our kitchen door, we could hear the wood starting to crack, thankfully it didn’t leave a mark, but we knew it was time for him to go

I phoned him a taxi, he knew I was going into town anyway, so we were going to get the taxi into town together, in the taxi we had only gotten around the corner and my brother was starting to call the taxi driver names and threatening him, thankfully we had to turn back as my brother had forgotten his phone, when we did I got out and said I wasn’t going anymore, that I couldn’t put up with him, I could tell the taxi driver didn’t want to be left alone with him, but I just couldn’t cope with it, I’d had enough

Tonight my younger brother was phoning again, and had been all day, saying his mental health was bad, that’s the way he says it, that he’d been out for a walk and was going to jump of a bridge, mum knew that he sounded funny on the phone, and asked had he been drinking to which he swore on her life he hadn’t been, though it turned out he had, because one of his girlfriends friends had seen him in town with bottles of buckfast, and later in a pub begging people to buy him drinks

He was very rude on the phone to mum, and he had his girlfriend in tears, because I refused to talk to him on the phone, mum said he called me names and threatened to hit me the next time he sees me

Only a couple of days before, he’d been ringing mum saying he was going to change his life, become a christian and start going to church, which I thought was a bit extreme, he was saying that he and my older brother were putting stress on mum and making her ill, an that it wasn’t fair

His girlfriend asked him to leave because of how he was acting an treating her, she’s three months pregnant with his baby, and already has a two year old, she doesn’t need the stress, and her young son doesn’t need to see my brother drunk and abusive all the time, someone had also come to her door, saying that how my brother was acting around the estate wasn’t going to be tolerated, it was a threat more or less

After he had threatened me, the phone calls started again, this time it was for money to get my younger brother a taxi into town, I Just refused, we don’t want him coming around our house drunk, and after how he spoke to me, did he seriously think I’d lend it to him, besides that he owes me money and hasn’t given me anything in weeks

He started saying that our older brother is the only one that cares about him, an no one else does, yet just yesterday he was saying that the only reason our older brother was giving him more attention lately is because he’s about to come into a bit of money

My older brother started ringing then, trying to get the money for our younger brother, I still refused, my brother said if anything happens its my fault, if I had of said yes to lending him money, he would only have come to town an drank with my older brother, who again is drinking himself, how would that do him any good, he needs to grow up, and stop running from his problems all the time, he’s going to be a dad, its time to change, he won’t find what he’s looking for at the bottom of a bottle

Besides that, he brought it on himself, if he hadn’t of drunk, and went to the cinema with his girlfriend like they’d planned, everything would have been ok, we’ve pulled out the phone now to get peace, we don’t need this in our lives

Some might say alcohol is just his way of coping, but without it, he’s nothing like the way I’ve described, its the alcohol that makes him that way

I just want to be left alone, I have my own problems to deal with right now, I have my brain scan on the 7th of august, hopefully it will be all clear, and I can focus more on changing things in my own life for the better