Storm In A Tea-Cup

This life’s dim windows of the soul, distorts the heavens from pole to pole, and leads you to believe a lie, when you see with, not through, the eye

Again, this is a post that was meant to be posted days ago, but anyway…

Last sunday, it was my older brothers birthday, he hadn’t anything planned, saying thirty two wasn’t really that special

We knew he had been drinking, so our thought was that we’d go up a bit earlier, catch him before he got drunk, little did we know him an a friend had already finished a ten glass of vodka, i brought a little bottle of coke, thinking there was vodka not knowing of course there wasn’t, I only planned to have one, just to join in and have a drink for his birthday

When we got there he and his friend were already drunk, and my brother was nearly asleep on the chair, his friend shook him pretty hard to wake him up, which of course started a fight between them, they had drank all the vodka and only had cider, so they left for the off licence to get some more stuff for mum an I, mum only drank WKD

I haven’t touched any drink since new years eve, so after a while I was getting kind of drunk, my brother and his friend continued fighting all evening, I was trying to help, thinking I was doing a good thing, telling my brother that’s not how you treat a friend etc

As their arguing got worse, my brother went to the kitchen to get a knife, I tried to tell him to calm down but he shoved me out of the way, hitting my back against the door frame

I can’t remember exactly how my brother and I fell out, what sparked it off, maybe siding with his friend, but my brother then turned on me, calling me a tramp, telling me he hated me, that our younger brother hated me, and would pick him over me, and telling me to f**k up, I shouted it right back, and all I called him was a bully, throwing it in his face how he treats us, but especially our aunt

After a while he started threatening to hit me, telling me to get out of their house, so I did, i was so angry and of course in tears, I’d had enough

I went into town, and ended up going into a bar, I had a few drinks, but I couldn’t shake what had happened from my mind, I got on the phone and messaged my older brothers ex girlfriend and asked did she wanna meet up for a drink, as we have stayed friends

Before I knew it, I was in a taxi on the way to her house, she’s now dating a guy my brothers really don’t like and have had many fights with, at the time I didn’t really see what I was doing as betrayal, I was hurt and I’d snapped, in the state I was in, I felt I had no where else to turn

My aunt and younger brother phoned me while I was there, telling me how worried they had been for me, I didn’t even think to phone to say where I was

When I got there it was my brothers ex, her boyfriend, and one of his friends, I brought quite a bit of alcohol with me, again in the state I was in I unloaded everything as soon as I got through the door, an I told them a few things I shouldn’t have

At one point the boyfriend asked me would I care if he killed my brother, it wasn’t done in a serious way, it was more about taking sides at that point, to which I replied, as long as my younger brother and mum weren’t hurt, I wouldn’t care, which of course I regret saying, the way he asked me was strange, I have this strange feeling he was recording me on his phone and will use that against my brother at some point, maybe I’m just paranoid, I also think one of them stole money from my coat while I was out of the room, but I could be wrong

A fight broke out between the boyfriend and the friend at one point, all the while my brothers ex was crying hysterically, and I was hugging the dog who was trembling, it was pretty disturbing

I’d heard stories that the boyfriend and her had fights where she got hit, and she had gone to the neighbours to call the police, it was the neighbour who had told me, they denied it of course, but the friend confirmed the story, which then sparked the fight, with the boyfriend hitting him repeatedly

The friend was thrown out, but came back a while later and they were all friends again like nothing happened, and starting making burgers, the friends face looked pretty bad, but when I asked him was he ok, he said it was just a bit of messing around

I felt bad for the friend, I knew him originally through my brothers, he’s just one of those simple people who although in his thirties is easily lead, and will be friends with anyone who will be his, because he doesn’t have anyone else, sadly in most cases he becomes their punching bag

later another fight broke out, this time between my brothers ex and the boyfriend, it all happened in the hall way, so I saw nothing, but she was crying and asking for someone to help her, I didn’t want to get involved, although she’s my friend I knew it was all fuelled by alcohol, I also knew this kind of thing happens between them quite often, so I felt it better to stay out of it, thereby not escalating things, because in no time they’d have made up, which they did, and I would have been left looking like the bad one

She must have left, or got locked out like the friend earlier, an was out on the street in her night dress shouting things up at the window

Later when the two guys had gone to bed, and my brothers ex had come back, she came to me crying, whispering to me saying she missed us, and wished she was still with my brother, that she was only with her new boyfriend because she was lonely

This isn’t the kind of thing I should be around, my life’s unstable enough as it is

I stayed the night, but as soon as I could leave I did, for a few days afterwards I just didn’t feel like myself, it was like I’d been pulled out of myself, it was like watching from the outside, where my memories had become like dreams of someone elses memories, I felt empty, lost, void of feeling, its hard to explain

I think because I’d been so ill for months, dealing with that day after day, the fear, and panic, I was ready to snap for some time, the vodka being mixed with my medication, my emotional state an what happened with my brother, was the last straw an that’s all it took

Once my older brother found out where I’d been, he went mad, asking me how could I have done that to him, and how he couldn’t believe I’d do that, of course while drunk, when I said the boyfriend had been nice to me, that only made things worse, he doesn’t care that I stayed friends with his ex, its her new boyfriend he has a problem with

He came to our house after that, I think to give me a talking to, I was a bit nervous about what was to come, in the mean time before his taxi arrived, we were actually getting ready to leave so we wouldn’t have to deal with it, sadly we were too late, but thankfully it wasn’t too bad, I stayed quiet most of the time, because there’s no talking sense to a drunk person

While he was here, he fell back on our kitchen chair, completely snapping part of the wood, when he fell, the chair hit the radiator and it started leaking, he just threw thirty pound at mum, and said that would replace the chair, after he left I phoned my aunt to tell her what had happened, she said my brother was waiting to get a screw ball of the ice cream man, that was just typical I thought, summing up how crazy our lives were

Since then he hasn’t even phoned to apologise to me or anything

After a few days my brother ex messaged me on facebook, asking did I want to meet up on saturday, to get something to eat, watch xfactor and a movie etc, just a fun night in, because her boyfriend would be there, and what happened with me an my brother, I had to make an excuse and say I’d think about it, even though its my life an should be able to do what I want

I did cause a bit of trouble, if I was pushed to admit it, I’m usually the good one that never gets into trouble or does anything, I’m pretty boring these days… I just hate feeling like I’m forced to side with my family all the time, loyalty is one thing, but why should I allow my brothers fights to become my own

I didn’t tell my family what happened at my friends house, well except mum, because some things are better left unsaid, why would I add ammunition to a fight

Things still haven’t been resolved, and after everything that’s happened, I know things will never be the same, for me at least

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Suppressing The Depression

I’m in such a strange head space lately, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I think I’m becoming depressed again, I’m so stressed out, to the point where I feel numb, I feel nothing, like I’ve switched off, life sometimes no longer feels real anymore, I know I’m just suppressing everything, I feel someday soon I’m just going to explode, I feel myself slowly falling apart, some days it takes a lot to stay in control, and if I’m honest I’m scared

I feel like my family just aren’t there for me anymore, or were they ever really…
I feel like I have no one I can turn to, I do feel alone a lot of the time, I do see the mental health team on the 14th of sept, but that’s not really the same

When I’d see the mental health team a few years ago, I’d come across more anxious, I’d break down a lot easier, but with that I’d be taken more seriously, I was on a new tablet every few months and at one point I was going to be assessed for my own safety, I’m saying the same things these days, but I’m not as fragile as i once was, so now that I’m not staring at the floor, crying, and stumbling over my words, I’m no longer being listened too, the comparison is just a bit strange to me

I don’t really have an escape, I have found myself gambling a lot which doesn’t help with the depression, because I’ve lost a lot of money lately, as you know I got a bit of money last year, and I’m just destroying it, an I don’t get peace, my family are constantly asking for loans, I feel like the money was more of a curse, maybe subconsciously I’m destroying the money, trying to get rid of it

My younger brother is also set to come into a bit of money soon, a while ago, he cheated on his girlfriend who now is three months pregnant, he just kissed a girl, which is cheating, but I don’t think its as serious as sleeping with someone, because he had the chance to and didn’t, I don’t condone it just in case you’re wondering

Anyway his girlfriend threw him out again, and he moved back in with my aunt, she told him she could never forgive him for what he did, but then a week later was asking him to come back, him about to come into quite a lot of money is a bit suspicious to me if I’m honest, but time will tell

That’s tame compared to what’s been happening at my aunts lately, I think it was less than two weeks ago, two men in balaclavas came to my aunts with baseball bats and smashed a few of the windows, my older brother who lives there also, was drinking at the time and ran after the two men, who were getting into a car, my brother recognised the cars registration number

Later the man who owned the car, who only lives up the road from their house, tried to say the two men forced him to drive them home, but of course that’s a lie, he was the get away car

We think it was my brothers ex girlfriends new boyfriend, who my brothers were once friends with but have fallen out and fought with now for some time, the get away car guy is friends with him also, they are both known drug dealers and drink together all the time, so of course he’s guilty

I told you in another post how there was smashed glass out the back of my aunts one night, it smelt of petrol, the rolled up paper that would have lit the then discovered attempt at a petrol bomb, was a letter with that guy who they’ve fallen out withs name and address on it, the police at the time said they could do nothing as there was no proof, which was really bizarre, this guy is taking things way too far, my brothers don’t even bother with him anymore but he just won’t let it go

A few nights ago then, my older brother had been drinking again, had went to bed and woken in a really bad mood, he started calling my aunt names, and bringing up something that happened over twenty years ago, I’ve talked about this in another post, my older brother who would have been six at the time, has been saying for years that our aunt abused him somehow, at the time she would have been thirteen, the police and social services got involved, and nothing happened, but my brother has never gotten over it, even though he’s admitted himself he can’t remember if anything happened at all

He got my aunt to phone our house and tell us she was a paedophile and a rapist, which she did, he was threatening to hit her, so she must have felt forced into doing it, the whole thing is just so ugh I don’t even have a word for it

In the past I’d visit them everyday, now I barely do, he has changed a bit, but I still see him as a really evil vindictive person who always has to get his way, years ago he’d bully her a lot worse, he’d call her names, he’d hit her to the point her face would be all bruised and she’d try and hide it with her hair, he’d humiliate her in front of people threatening to shave her hair off, say he was going to ground her like a child, he punched her in the stomach when she was pregnant, the list goes on, but you get the idea

We’ve told her to move out and get a place of her own, but she never listens, he says sorry and that’s the end of it, my aunt is very immature for her age, she’s very gullible, she has a one track mind, you can’t talk to her, she’s one of those people who waits until you’re finished talking just so she can say the next thing on her mind, no matter what you’ve just said,

If you say anything about my older brother, she always takes his side and defends him, even if he’s in the wrong, I think that’s just normal to her now, which is disturbing

That night a mum of a boy that drinks with my older brother, came to their house with two men, banging on the door and calling my older brother out, no one has any idea why she came or what she wanted, maybe she doesn’t want her son involved with my brother, he is only nineteen, and my brother is thirty two, though the boy only comes as he’s a mutual friend of my brother and another boy my brother drinks with who is older

She and the men had lifted my aunts flower pots and threw them at the house, the place was in a mess with muck everywhere

My older brother was asking could he stay with us that night, in case they come back, personally I don’t think that would help as the woman could come back any night, as bad as it was my brother was hiding in the attic in case they broke in

In a seemingly never ending cycle, my brother had been drinking from last night, he came to our house today falling into our fridge and cooker, and cabinets, he spilled the dogs food everywhere, he had the place wrecked in the short time he was here, he kept pushing himself up against mum inappropriately, and pulling out his penis as he always does, its kinda sick, I don’t know why he does it, other than thinking its all some big joke

Our dog got a hold of money he had dropped, not knowing any better the dog shredded the money, so our brother went after the dog and tried to kick her, thank god he missed, the dog was so afraid she pee’d on the mat

Our step dad agreed to leave him home, but on the way to the car he started calling a neighbour names, and trying to start a fight, the neighbours son and my brother have been fighting for years, after my brother finally left, the police showed up, thank god they didn’t come to our house, but that’s more trouble again, especially when my brother and the neighbours son were at least on speaking terms

Its mum my step dad an I that have to live here, we keep ourselves to ourselves and never bother with anyone, we are the ones who have to walk by the neighbours everyday, and now be the subject of gossip

After he went home my aunt called begging my mum to come to her house and help, as my brother and his friend had gotten into a fight, from what my aunt said it was really bad an there’s blood everywhere, my brother had even pulled a knife at one point

My mums completely stressed out, she just wants peace, she’s not well and hates being constantly dragged into the middle of these situations

This is the life I’m surrounded by all the time, a part of me wishes I had never begun to include my families struggles in my blog, but as I’ve said this is my life, my whole life and sometimes its a lot more than just mental illness