Suppressing The Depression

I’m in such a strange head space lately, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I think I’m becoming depressed again, I’m so stressed out, to the point where I feel numb, I feel nothing, like I’ve switched off, life sometimes no longer feels real anymore, I know I’m just suppressing everything, I feel someday soon I’m just going to explode, I feel myself slowly falling apart, some days it takes a lot to stay in control, and if I’m honest I’m scared

I feel like my family just aren’t there for me anymore, or were they ever really…
I feel like I have no one I can turn to, I do feel alone a lot of the time, I do see the mental health team on the 14th of sept, but that’s not really the same

When I’d see the mental health team a few years ago, I’d come across more anxious, I’d break down a lot easier, but with that I’d be taken more seriously, I was on a new tablet every few months and at one point I was going to be assessed for my own safety, I’m saying the same things these days, but I’m not as fragile as i once was, so now that I’m not staring at the floor, crying, and stumbling over my words, I’m no longer being listened too, the comparison is just a bit strange to me

I don’t really have an escape, I have found myself gambling a lot which doesn’t help with the depression, because I’ve lost a lot of money lately, as you know I got a bit of money last year, and I’m just destroying it, an I don’t get peace, my family are constantly asking for loans, I feel like the money was more of a curse, maybe subconsciously I’m destroying the money, trying to get rid of it

My younger brother is also set to come into a bit of money soon, a while ago, he cheated on his girlfriend who now is three months pregnant, he just kissed a girl, which is cheating, but I don’t think its as serious as sleeping with someone, because he had the chance to and didn’t, I don’t condone it just in case you’re wondering

Anyway his girlfriend threw him out again, and he moved back in with my aunt, she told him she could never forgive him for what he did, but then a week later was asking him to come back, him about to come into quite a lot of money is a bit suspicious to me if I’m honest, but time will tell

That’s tame compared to what’s been happening at my aunts lately, I think it was less than two weeks ago, two men in balaclavas came to my aunts with baseball bats and smashed a few of the windows, my older brother who lives there also, was drinking at the time and ran after the two men, who were getting into a car, my brother recognised the cars registration number

Later the man who owned the car, who only lives up the road from their house, tried to say the two men forced him to drive them home, but of course that’s a lie, he was the get away car

We think it was my brothers ex girlfriends new boyfriend, who my brothers were once friends with but have fallen out and fought with now for some time, the get away car guy is friends with him also, they are both known drug dealers and drink together all the time, so of course he’s guilty

I told you in another post how there was smashed glass out the back of my aunts one night, it smelt of petrol, the rolled up paper that would have lit the then discovered attempt at a petrol bomb, was a letter with that guy who they’ve fallen out withs name and address on it, the police at the time said they could do nothing as there was no proof, which was really bizarre, this guy is taking things way too far, my brothers don’t even bother with him anymore but he just won’t let it go

A few nights ago then, my older brother had been drinking again, had went to bed and woken in a really bad mood, he started calling my aunt names, and bringing up something that happened over twenty years ago, I’ve talked about this in another post, my older brother who would have been six at the time, has been saying for years that our aunt abused him somehow, at the time she would have been thirteen, the police and social services got involved, and nothing happened, but my brother has never gotten over it, even though he’s admitted himself he can’t remember if anything happened at all

He got my aunt to phone our house and tell us she was a paedophile and a rapist, which she did, he was threatening to hit her, so she must have felt forced into doing it, the whole thing is just so ugh I don’t even have a word for it

In the past I’d visit them everyday, now I barely do, he has changed a bit, but I still see him as a really evil vindictive person who always has to get his way, years ago he’d bully her a lot worse, he’d call her names, he’d hit her to the point her face would be all bruised and she’d try and hide it with her hair, he’d humiliate her in front of people threatening to shave her hair off, say he was going to ground her like a child, he punched her in the stomach when she was pregnant, the list goes on, but you get the idea

We’ve told her to move out and get a place of her own, but she never listens, he says sorry and that’s the end of it, my aunt is very immature for her age, she’s very gullible, she has a one track mind, you can’t talk to her, she’s one of those people who waits until you’re finished talking just so she can say the next thing on her mind, no matter what you’ve just said,

If you say anything about my older brother, she always takes his side and defends him, even if he’s in the wrong, I think that’s just normal to her now, which is disturbing

That night a mum of a boy that drinks with my older brother, came to their house with two men, banging on the door and calling my older brother out, no one has any idea why she came or what she wanted, maybe she doesn’t want her son involved with my brother, he is only nineteen, and my brother is thirty two, though the boy only comes as he’s a mutual friend of my brother and another boy my brother drinks with who is older

She and the men had lifted my aunts flower pots and threw them at the house, the place was in a mess with muck everywhere

My older brother was asking could he stay with us that night, in case they come back, personally I don’t think that would help as the woman could come back any night, as bad as it was my brother was hiding in the attic in case they broke in

In a seemingly never ending cycle, my brother had been drinking from last night, he came to our house today falling into our fridge and cooker, and cabinets, he spilled the dogs food everywhere, he had the place wrecked in the short time he was here, he kept pushing himself up against mum inappropriately, and pulling out his penis as he always does, its kinda sick, I don’t know why he does it, other than thinking its all some big joke

Our dog got a hold of money he had dropped, not knowing any better the dog shredded the money, so our brother went after the dog and tried to kick her, thank god he missed, the dog was so afraid she pee’d on the mat

Our step dad agreed to leave him home, but on the way to the car he started calling a neighbour names, and trying to start a fight, the neighbours son and my brother have been fighting for years, after my brother finally left, the police showed up, thank god they didn’t come to our house, but that’s more trouble again, especially when my brother and the neighbours son were at least on speaking terms

Its mum my step dad an I that have to live here, we keep ourselves to ourselves and never bother with anyone, we are the ones who have to walk by the neighbours everyday, and now be the subject of gossip

After he went home my aunt called begging my mum to come to her house and help, as my brother and his friend had gotten into a fight, from what my aunt said it was really bad an there’s blood everywhere, my brother had even pulled a knife at one point

My mums completely stressed out, she just wants peace, she’s not well and hates being constantly dragged into the middle of these situations

This is the life I’m surrounded by all the time, a part of me wishes I had never begun to include my families struggles in my blog, but as I’ve said this is my life, my whole life and sometimes its a lot more than just mental illness

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