Life Beyond The Blog

I’m always trying to add new things on this blog, so I thought, I’m telling you about my journey with mental illness, and recently I’ve started to share my early life, my past, so why not do a fun post for a change, like a get to know me, the person behind the blog

Its all light hearted nonsense, so if you hate that kind of thing, an have better things to do, I’d skip this….

I’ll get the story behind my blog out of the way first

I was researching mental illness online and came across a womans blog, ‘my crazy bipolar life’ maybe some of you know about it, I heard she took her own life not too long ago, which is really sad, but she inspired so many people I’m sure, me being one of them, her honesty was refreshing, so I decided to start my own

At first i didn’t think anyone would be interested in what I had to say, I thought being a blogger was to be interesting and funny, an though I have a lot to say, would anyone care

The name of my blog ‘tears of a loved one’ was actually the name of a book I started writing when I was about 18-19, it was about a girl called karen, and her mother who was a promiscuous alcoholic, they moved to the house karens granny had left them in her will, and were going to start a new life, her mum soon fell into old habits but eventually met a new man named bob, an became settled an for the first time happy, but karen found out he was a liar on the run from the police, using her mother and their home as a hide out, later bobs ‘sister’ cicel comes to visit and ends up staying with them, but we find out his sister is actually his wife… I never finished it and threw away all I’d written, It wasn’t good enough an I knew it (I’ve always wanted a book published) but anyway now you know

Blog facts:

I always try to be a little inventive with the blog titles

I don’t know if anyone has ever noticed, but I never use emojis or text slang in my blog like lol for example, if you see something like that in my blog its probably just a spelling mistake lol… (See I used it 😀 this is a fun post after-all) when I reply to comments I do, an I do in real life, I just felt like I didn’t want my blog to read that way to people, I feel it relates to people better when it reads more mature even though I’m like ugh that so needs an lol in there! I could change it, it is my blog, but its just a silly choice I made

I wrote a short story on here called ‘tell me I’m beautiful’ the idea came to me when I was listening to music, I was listening to ariana grande, love me harder and imagined that story as the music video, weird I know

The most popular post on my blog apart from the thank you note, isn’t actually about mental illness, its my post about dieting and weight loss, thinspiration: diary of a serial dieter, dieting is more searched for on the internet, which leads them to that post

A search term ‘slave slapped to tears’ is probably the weirdest way someone has found my blog

Ok silly random fun stuff :O…

When I was younger I wanted to be in the circus lol what would I do, I had no skills… I could walk on my hands for a few seconds, not exactly circus material.. I still would love to go on tour with a circus, my love of animals inspired that

I, For some reason wanted to be a lawyer, I saw a man in a magazine, of course he was a model, but the way he was dressed I assumed he was a lawyer, kids minds huh?… I think I wanted a rabbit at that time, an wasn’t allowed one, so I imagined if I was a lawyer I could have my own place filled with them if I wanted

Then of course a vet… When I was about 13-14, I worked in an animal sanctuary for quite a long time, I was also in the st johns ambulance

I always wanted to learn how to play the piano, but never did

When I did work experience in high school I worked as a bus boy! Not very aspirational compared to others, I think I tried to apply for a job in this hotel before I’d left school, of course they said no as I was only 14-15, so when work experience came around I picked that hotel to work in, so not much to aspire to, but I got what I wanted in a way, I think that was more the point of it

I only lasted a day an a half an I walked out, I didn’t mind the work, it was how I was treated, the members of staff started giving me their jobs to do, so I was doing three peoples worth of work for no pay, it wasn’t right

Colour: My favourite colour is blue, it was green when I was younger, but that’s so typical, why couldn’t it be black, at least I’d seem mysterious somehow!?!

My eyes are green, though if you look closely they are blue around the outside

Star sign: I’m a pisces, which I think is the best one, what with our intuition and psychic abilities

Years ago my granny used to read tea leaves, before she turned christian, I loved hearing that

I loved my granny, I was her favourite, mum used to say she treated me differently because she felt bad that I never knew my dad, she’d give my brothers an I money, then call me back in an sneak me a little extra, she’d always make me laugh by being silly, like eating chewing gum an pretending it tasted yukky, one of those things you had to be there for, sometimes I’d stand of her foot stool and do silly dances to cheer her up, I miss her, she died when I was about 12, as I was in foster care I didn’t really get to spend time with her, only on a saturday for a few hours, its sad

Movies: lately I’m loving independent movies, I feel like they have to work harder with less money to tell a story sometimes maybe that’s why? My favourite movies would be psychological thrillers, or a good horror movie, I have a sense of humour but comedies annoy me sometimes, a good romantic movie is ok too sometimes if I’m feeling mushy

Does anyone else get annoyed when someone in a movie has to come clean with some secret but the other person has to rush off or gets a phone call, and they never get to tell them the secret for like ever! So annoying lol

The last movie I watched was last-night actually called ‘ask me anything’

Silly movie facts: the first movie I saw in the cinema was aladdin, the last was easy A, I haven’t been in a while…

When we were younger, my brother his friend an I, used to watch titanic everyday maybe three times a day! Why, I don’t know

Movies inspire my love of different things, when the mummy movies came out I was obsessed with egypt, or when I watched movies like crouching tiger hidden dragon, or memoirs of a geisha (I don’t care what anyone says I love that movie) they inspired my love of asian culture

I think zhang zyi is an amazing actress, I love her, I’ve also always loved winona ryder, I first saw her in edward scissor hands when I was like 9-10, then of course beetle juice and girl interrupted, she’s probably my favourite actress, I also like jodelle ferland

I did watch the twilight movies, at first I thought why is everyone so obsessed with these movies, an I admit I did get sucked in like the others lol

Ok enough movie chat already!….

Holidays: predictable but china, I’d love to go there, maybe someday, my favourite chef is also chinese, ching-he huang, I love watching her cook, exploring china, I loved that show!

My passport expired, an I’ve never renewed it

Music: I don’t really have a favourite artist, if I like a song I like it, no matter who its by, I do love adeles new song hello, but the last song/music I listened to was alexandra burke on youtube, a radio host had called leona lewis boring, an I thought what’s she been up too lately, so I wanted to hear leonas new music which lead me to alexandra, I love ‘the silence’ I used to play that on repeat…

Funny the only song that’s almost made me cry is christina aguilera ‘hurt’ it was the song and video together, at the end when she runs to her dad an he disappears, that was so sad the first time I saw it…

Anyway rambling…

Quick fire round…

Favourite food: umm boring but chicken?

Best feature: not really a feature, but I like my laugh, maybe as I don’t hear it as often these days

biggest regret: not living in the moment enough

A secret: I still stalk an ex’s instagram about once a week, I know its sad, but its not in a creepy way, is there any other way? that could be a regret too lol

My last hobby: I took singing lessons for a few months, not that I can sing, but I was offered a place in the music schools rat pack themed concert, singing ain’t no sunshine, if you know me by reading my blog, you’ll know why I couldn’t do it

Tattoos and piercings: one tattoo (wrist) no piercings though I had my ear pierced in high school, an my eyebrow a few years ago

Bad habit: smoking, I know its not a good thing, when I was in the childrens home, a girl told me smoking would help me cope with the stress of missing my mum so much, I was 14 and believed her

I’ve used the age 14 a lot in this post, that was a busy year! I also saw my first psychologist when I was 14, and my first real kiss was around this age also

Pets: a cat, I love her

Biggest annoyance: these days, people who don’t listen, people who interrupt, and having to repeat myself

Favourite place: I love the beach, I think because its calming, whenever I’m near running water it makes me feel more alive somehow (and no that doesn’t include taps)

I’ll probably add to, an edit this post from time to time, but for now i think that’s enough for one day, its just to give you a little more insight into my life beyond just mental illness and a blog 🙂


My Story: Chapter One

Having a blog means people can follow you on a type of journey, they know your story, they can follow to the bitter end, but they don’t know where it all started, I’m not the best writer, but I’m going to be doing a few posts, or memoirs, to let you in to where it all started for me, and hopefully (if you can be bothered to read them) you’ll come to know me a little more

Chapter one is about my life as a young child, so it will be shorter than the rest as I can’t remember that much as it was so long ago, its more snapshots of my pieced together memories, but hopefully in sharing my past honestly, I can truly move on ~

My earliest memories are of my life at home before my younger brother an I were placed into foster care, mainly my memories are of my younger brothers dad, an how he loved to drink, and how he scared me, I remember little things like going to take a biscuit, and him using my fear of him to stop me from taking it, even though my mum was telling me it was ok, its like he enjoyed it
I’d sneak down when they were in bed and take biscuits then, digestives, I’d take one and eat it under the coats hung in the hallway, then I’d push the hoover to the front door so I would be tall enough to open it, I’d run to my grannies bungalow which was only across a play park between the two, I still remember sleeping in my grannies bed and feeling safe, other times, which I don’t remember, I’d be found asleep on her doorstep the next day

It wasn’t a good place to live as a child, I guess that’s why I’d always try to run away to my grannies, i’d seen mum an him fight several times, it was worse when it got physical, I still remember flashes of them rolling on the ground in the midst of a fight, I read reports from social services where they’d always drink and stay out, or have house parties with us upstairs, I do remember sometimes I’d wake up and go downstairs and find we’d been left with a strange man, he must have been friends of theirs, I still remember the man teaching me how to make a cup of tea

Once when I wandered off, I was found by the police, I still remember them talking to me, giving me biscuits an juice, and things to colour in, my brothers dad was the one to come get me, I still remember seeing his shadow on the wall, and then hearing his voice and being scared

I know he was a bad person, I’ve since learned he put my mum in hospital a couple of times

I still have questions that will never be answered, back then I was rushed to the hospital, with a V shaped burn on my forehead, the reports say that it looked like a hot iron had been put to my head, but my brothers dad an mum had insisted that I walked into a radiator, personally I don’t think a radiator would have done that much damage, I still have three scars on my forehead from that day

My older brother at the time was similar to how he is now, he was spoiled and had a temper, my mum had sent him to live with our granny back then, because she couldn’t handle him, he had put holes in the walls and doors, he used to hit our mum, and even at that young age he was quite cruel, it was the things he did, like knowing our mum was claustrophobic and locking her in her room, following her into town on nights out so she couldn’t enjoy herself and would have to come home

I remember him coming to our door one day and mum telling him to leave, closing the door on him

I think that’s where things went wrong for him, maybe feeling unwanted, and my granny had him spoiled, giving him everything he wanted, that’s also why he didn’t get put in foster care with my brother an I, as he had a more stable home at the time

I don’t remember being taken into care, but there is a photo of me and my older brother crying together, mum did say that was taken the day we were leaving

A few years ago, I read reports from my early childhood, which said that my uncle and my granny had reported my mum to social services, they investigated and ultimately decided to place my younger brother an i into care

I read that they had given my mum a chance to change, but I guess my younger brothers dad was too much of an influence on her, I remember her telling me that they made her chose between him and us, and she chose him, saying she didn’t think she’d find love again

Its hard to know these things now as an adult, but at the same time I don’t know the woman she was back then, I can only go with, she tried the best she could and sadly failed, no one is perfect, and I don’t hold it against her, it hurts, but its happened and its in the past

I don’t remember our first couple of foster homes or foster parents, that whole part of my life I have no memory of, I do remember the second to last one though

It was on a farm, it was a big white house, with a big front and back garden, I remember the stoned driveway and the two big black gates that closed of to the road, we lived there for almost a year, then the husband got sick and we had to leave

Funny I don’t remember the husband at all, I remember their two daughters, I can remember us playing together, playing shop with toy groceries, playing on the swing, bouncing around on my space hopper, I loved that thing, I had this frisbee with a silly face on it I always played with, I remember catching butterflies and trapping bees under flower pots, and being told off because my brother had copied me and got stung

I can remember slipping through a gap in the barn, sitting in there on this high up wall and watching the tractors working, the smell even

Me standing out the front by those two black gates looking off into the distant country side and seeing a red house and wishing I could run away there, thinking it was far away, now knowing of course it wasn’t, the smell drifting over from the neighbours house like the smell of jam

I always had my favourite teddy back then, it was one my mum had bought me, it was one of those dogs from the dulox paint ads, a really big one with long fur, I’d hug it and I can still remember that teddy smell

When we left the farm I was five, where we were going next would be our last foster home, until we eventually were placed into a childrens home

I don’t remember leaving the farm, I guess when you experience emotional things as a child the mind blocks out the memories to protect you

Somehow though I do remember the car journey to our new foster home, we were drinking juice boxes and the social worker made it into a game telling us to imagine it was petrol running the car, and we had to make it last the whole journey, telling us to duck our heads under bridges so we wouldn’t have or heads cut off, just silly fun

I remember pulling up to the new house, the woman I’ll call K for obvious reasons, was standing outside washing the windows, she had curlers in her hair covered with a scarf, I’d say she was in her late forties at that time, I don’t remember how I felt, I guess as a child you’re oblivious to most things, an then this was normal to us

This time we were only meant to stay for six months, but ended up living with this woman for six years, In foster care its harder to place older children, everyone would rather have a baby or a very young child, even though social services wanted us in a home with a strong father figure, they couldn’t find anywhere else for us to go, that’s why we stayed here so long

so once again a new life, and a new beginning all over again….