My Story: Chapter One

Having a blog means people can follow you on a type of journey, they know your story, they can follow to the bitter end, but they don’t know where it all started, I’m not the best writer, but I’m going to be doing a few posts, or memoirs, to let you in to where it all started for me, and hopefully (if you can be bothered to read them) you’ll come to know me a little more

Chapter one is about my life as a young child, so it will be shorter than the rest as I can’t remember that much as it was so long ago, its more snapshots of my pieced together memories, but hopefully in sharing my past honestly, I can truly move on ~

My earliest memories are of my life at home before my younger brother an I were placed into foster care, mainly my memories are of my younger brothers dad, an how he loved to drink, and how he scared me, I remember little things like going to take a biscuit, and him using my fear of him to stop me from taking it, even though my mum was telling me it was ok, its like he enjoyed it
I’d sneak down when they were in bed and take biscuits then, digestives, I’d take one and eat it under the coats hung in the hallway, then I’d push the hoover to the front door so I would be tall enough to open it, I’d run to my grannies bungalow which was only across a play park between the two, I still remember sleeping in my grannies bed and feeling safe, other times, which I don’t remember, I’d be found asleep on her doorstep the next day

It wasn’t a good place to live as a child, I guess that’s why I’d always try to run away to my grannies, i’d seen mum an him fight several times, it was worse when it got physical, I still remember flashes of them rolling on the ground in the midst of a fight, I read reports from social services where they’d always drink and stay out, or have house parties with us upstairs, I do remember sometimes I’d wake up and go downstairs and find we’d been left with a strange man, he must have been friends of theirs, I still remember the man teaching me how to make a cup of tea

Once when I wandered off, I was found by the police, I still remember them talking to me, giving me biscuits an juice, and things to colour in, my brothers dad was the one to come get me, I still remember seeing his shadow on the wall, and then hearing his voice and being scared

I know he was a bad person, I’ve since learned he put my mum in hospital a couple of times

I still have questions that will never be answered, back then I was rushed to the hospital, with a V shaped burn on my forehead, the reports say that it looked like a hot iron had been put to my head, but my brothers dad an mum had insisted that I walked into a radiator, personally I don’t think a radiator would have done that much damage, I still have three scars on my forehead from that day

My older brother at the time was similar to how he is now, he was spoiled and had a temper, my mum had sent him to live with our granny back then, because she couldn’t handle him, he had put holes in the walls and doors, he used to hit our mum, and even at that young age he was quite cruel, it was the things he did, like knowing our mum was claustrophobic and locking her in her room, following her into town on nights out so she couldn’t enjoy herself and would have to come home

I remember him coming to our door one day and mum telling him to leave, closing the door on him

I think that’s where things went wrong for him, maybe feeling unwanted, and my granny had him spoiled, giving him everything he wanted, that’s also why he didn’t get put in foster care with my brother an I, as he had a more stable home at the time

I don’t remember being taken into care, but there is a photo of me and my older brother crying together, mum did say that was taken the day we were leaving

A few years ago, I read reports from my early childhood, which said that my uncle and my granny had reported my mum to social services, they investigated and ultimately decided to place my younger brother an i into care

I read that they had given my mum a chance to change, but I guess my younger brothers dad was too much of an influence on her, I remember her telling me that they made her chose between him and us, and she chose him, saying she didn’t think she’d find love again

Its hard to know these things now as an adult, but at the same time I don’t know the woman she was back then, I can only go with, she tried the best she could and sadly failed, no one is perfect, and I don’t hold it against her, it hurts, but its happened and its in the past

I don’t remember our first couple of foster homes or foster parents, that whole part of my life I have no memory of, I do remember the second to last one though

It was on a farm, it was a big white house, with a big front and back garden, I remember the stoned driveway and the two big black gates that closed of to the road, we lived there for almost a year, then the husband got sick and we had to leave

Funny I don’t remember the husband at all, I remember their two daughters, I can remember us playing together, playing shop with toy groceries, playing on the swing, bouncing around on my space hopper, I loved that thing, I had this frisbee with a silly face on it I always played with, I remember catching butterflies and trapping bees under flower pots, and being told off because my brother had copied me and got stung

I can remember slipping through a gap in the barn, sitting in there on this high up wall and watching the tractors working, the smell even

Me standing out the front by those two black gates looking off into the distant country side and seeing a red house and wishing I could run away there, thinking it was far away, now knowing of course it wasn’t, the smell drifting over from the neighbours house like the smell of jam

I always had my favourite teddy back then, it was one my mum had bought me, it was one of those dogs from the dulox paint ads, a really big one with long fur, I’d hug it and I can still remember that teddy smell

When we left the farm I was five, where we were going next would be our last foster home, until we eventually were placed into a childrens home

I don’t remember leaving the farm, I guess when you experience emotional things as a child the mind blocks out the memories to protect you

Somehow though I do remember the car journey to our new foster home, we were drinking juice boxes and the social worker made it into a game telling us to imagine it was petrol running the car, and we had to make it last the whole journey, telling us to duck our heads under bridges so we wouldn’t have or heads cut off, just silly fun

I remember pulling up to the new house, the woman I’ll call K for obvious reasons, was standing outside washing the windows, she had curlers in her hair covered with a scarf, I’d say she was in her late forties at that time, I don’t remember how I felt, I guess as a child you’re oblivious to most things, an then this was normal to us

This time we were only meant to stay for six months, but ended up living with this woman for six years, In foster care its harder to place older children, everyone would rather have a baby or a very young child, even though social services wanted us in a home with a strong father figure, they couldn’t find anywhere else for us to go, that’s why we stayed here so long

so once again a new life, and a new beginning all over again….

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