Time For Change

I can’t be anyone but who I am

With another year ahead, it got me thinking, I’ll be thirty in february! How have I come this far already, its made me think a lot about life, and how I should expect more for myself, an how I should want more out of life, there’s a clock that’s ticking and unfortunately this one can’t be turned back

Its also made me think about my family also, a lot stays the same but a lot changes too, I don’t want to wake up one day an ask what happened to my life, as they’ve all moved on an I’m left behind telling the same stories as ten years ago

Last february my older brother was still with his ex girlfriend, who I had become very close with, we still keep in touch

Its one of those things you never see changing until it does, life is going to change an there’s nothing you can do to stop it, Its about moving with it an not allowing yourself to dwell, and be left behind

He’s now met someone new, I haven’t met her yet, but I’m sure I will, I’ve told myself I won’t allow myself to get close to her, I don’t have room in my life right now for someone new, I still miss his ex, my friend

They’ve only been together about three to four months, and I was told my brother was going to ask me to lend him money to buy her an engagement ring

He’s already living with her as he stays at her house all the time now, she lives like fifty miles away so we never see him, I think they had only been together for about a month, and sadly she had a miscarriage, its not my life so who am I to have a say, but these things are happening too quick and too soon in my opinion, but when you’re in love it can make you do crazy things

The good thing though is he’s cut down on his drinking, and he’s doing really well, he’s trying and that’s all you can do

My younger brother Is a different story, he has a really good girlfriend who is a really nice person and she loves him so much, she’s pregnant with his baby right now, but he seems to be doing everything to throw that all away

They fell out yet again last week, but have since made up, though in that time he had to come an stay at our aunts house, he was there for about three days, and was drunk for most of it, in that time he also cut his wrist and had to go to hospital, it was a bad cut but not serious

He keeps saying his time in foster care is what makes him the way he is, that he was bullied and molested, I lived with him my whole life, so I would know if that had happened

To quickly let you into his claims, as I may seem unfair not to trust what he feels happened to him, when we lived in the childrens home, he an a friend used to bully another boy, when the friend left, the boy they bullied became the bully, as for the molesting part, he was eight years old and a member of staff dried him off after a bath, and he says he took extra time around the private area, which is a common thing when drying off anyway

I know he’s crying out for help, but he won’t allow himself to be helped, he sees no one, and doesn’t take his medication, he would rather drink, and that’s when he does these things, he’s completely different when sober

My other family members are pretty much drama free, which is a good thing when you need someone to talk too, but hard at the same time to feel like you’re being listened to when they have their own problems going on

That’s their lives and that’s how they chose to live them, now I need a life of my own

Over christmas, for years was always full of drama in our family, this year was pretty normal, which was a surprise, my younger brother left early to be with his girlfriend, the only one who really drank was my older brother, but went to bed when he got home

We had fun, normal I guess, that’s what you would hope for, though for me it felt like something was missing, there wasn’t that feeling of christmas this year

This will also be the first time in years that for new years we won’t all be together, another example that things are changing and people move on with their own lives, I won’t be celebrating new years this year, not out of choice but I don’t mind

Years ago I promised myself I would never spend another new years eve alone, and I didn’t for a long time, I know this time its not through mental illness that’s prevented me from joining in on celebrating like everyone else, so its not really a big deal for me

Going forward into a new year I’m not making any plans, because its best to take one day at a time

I am going to try harder to create a life more separate for myself, because I do deserve to be happy, I never really allowed myself to think or feel that way before, as cheesy as it sounds, why shouldn’t I have my happy ending….

Happy New Year… xx

Its Almost That Time Again

Mortality is a cruel thing, it takes from us, everything we love, it doesn’t have a face, a voice, you can’t see or hear it, it comes quietly without warning, it has no heart so it feels nothing, no mind so it doesn’t care

Why, there is no answer, so much pain but only silence, all we’re left with are memories, but memories are like dreams, they fade in time an so we begin to forget

I wrote this above, in a moment of dark emotion one night, I kept telling myself to delete it and make this post less depressing, but If anything I’m honest and so are my posts, an i guess it sums up my 2015, the torment in my mind all year

An not to sound over dramatic, but this has been a hard year for me, more physically than mentally for once

I’m not religious, but I do believe, an people always say, god doesn’t give you more than you can handle, and I’ve come through the year in one piece, I could have given up but I didn’t, even at times when I felt really ill and alone, the fear I felt, the tears and the panic attacks, feeling let down by my doctors and the periods of depression, I may not have been dying, but it was tough

I never really admitted to anyone how tough it actually has been, apart from blogging about it, i just dealt with it on my own, an maybe I’m stronger than I actually realise

Its taught me a lot about dealing with loneliness, you may have people around you, but that doesn’t mean they’re with you

Going into the new year, I’ve decided that its going to be my year of selfishness, not in a bad spiteful way, but more in a, I’m turning thirty an I’ve lived my life for other people for so long, when is it going to be my turn to live for me

Now is that time.

I’m learning so much about myself all the time, I wish I had this awareness sooner, but life is a journey and we never really stop learning new things about ourselves and what we are truly capable of, I just feel like I’ve been drowning in this kind of darkness for so long, I’ve never given myself a chance, an most of the time we don’t have a choice, because mental illness isn’t something we can fully control

Today I could be on top of the world, and tomorrow I could be in bed wishing I was never born, so when we get those rare times where we are free and in control again we should live while we can, an only people who have suffered the way we have can really understand without judgement

I was going to add what’s been happening over the last few weeks, but I like this post an want it to stand alone, so I’ll add another post just before christmas…