Its Almost That Time Again

Mortality is a cruel thing, it takes from us, everything we love, it doesn’t have a face, a voice, you can’t see or hear it, it comes quietly without warning, it has no heart so it feels nothing, no mind so it doesn’t care

Why, there is no answer, so much pain but only silence, all we’re left with are memories, but memories are like dreams, they fade in time an so we begin to forget

I wrote this above, in a moment of dark emotion one night, I kept telling myself to delete it and make this post less depressing, but If anything I’m honest and so are my posts, an i guess it sums up my 2015, the torment in my mind all year

An not to sound over dramatic, but this has been a hard year for me, more physically than mentally for once

I’m not religious, but I do believe, an people always say, god doesn’t give you more than you can handle, and I’ve come through the year in one piece, I could have given up but I didn’t, even at times when I felt really ill and alone, the fear I felt, the tears and the panic attacks, feeling let down by my doctors and the periods of depression, I may not have been dying, but it was tough

I never really admitted to anyone how tough it actually has been, apart from blogging about it, i just dealt with it on my own, an maybe I’m stronger than I actually realise

Its taught me a lot about dealing with loneliness, you may have people around you, but that doesn’t mean they’re with you

Going into the new year, I’ve decided that its going to be my year of selfishness, not in a bad spiteful way, but more in a, I’m turning thirty an I’ve lived my life for other people for so long, when is it going to be my turn to live for me

Now is that time.

I’m learning so much about myself all the time, I wish I had this awareness sooner, but life is a journey and we never really stop learning new things about ourselves and what we are truly capable of, I just feel like I’ve been drowning in this kind of darkness for so long, I’ve never given myself a chance, an most of the time we don’t have a choice, because mental illness isn’t something we can fully control

Today I could be on top of the world, and tomorrow I could be in bed wishing I was never born, so when we get those rare times where we are free and in control again we should live while we can, an only people who have suffered the way we have can really understand without judgement

I was going to add what’s been happening over the last few weeks, but I like this post an want it to stand alone, so I’ll add another post just before christmas…

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