Party Pooper

It was my birthday yesterday, it was my 30th… An I have to say, it was probably the worst birthday I’ve ever had, it wasn’t anyone’s fault really, as the time ticked on, things just fell apart, and I ended up pretty much doing nothing

For weeks I couldn’t make up my mind about what to do, so when yesterday came, there wasn’t a plan, though I had many ideas

My older brothers, new girlfriends mum made me a birthday cake which was really nice of her, as I haven’t even met her yet, mum my step dad an I had a nice birthday lunch, an then I went and lifted some of my claim money because everyone else had destroyed theirs

No one had kept any money, my younger brother as you know is now in prison, my older brother hadn’t even bought me a present, I ended up having to lend him money the day before

My older brother wanted to have a drink, I wanted to go to a bar an have fun, social phobia isn’t a problem after a few drinks, I didn’t want to sit at home an drink, I’ve done that in the past an it was fun, but this time, it sounded sad, maybe because this wasn’t just any birthday

I was willing to pay for us to all go bowling or something, just have a laugh an I thought it would help me get to know my brothers girlfriend, who I had only met the day before

I tried phoning my aunt, to get her to organise it, but she didn’t answer her phone, by now it was about half six, my mum had went out to visit my aunt, an do a message for her or something, my step dad was out walking the dog an he’s gone for over an hour, an so I was left sitting home alone

When can we be slightly immature, if not on our birthdays, I like to recapture the past a little, be silly an not act like a grown up for a day, forget life and the outside world, take the seriousness out of life until tomorrow when everything becomes real again

I am a 30 year old man now, an I know that, but these are the times when a family should come together, to me, I only moved home at 17, I didn’t have what most kids did, I celebrated my birthdays with foster families, not my real family, is it wrong to still want to make up for lost time, even though I’m not a child anymore, maybe its time to let go of that part of me, I guess i shouldn’t be trying to live my birthdays like I’m a teenager anymore, nut sometimes its easy to forget

A part of me was angry, that so little thought had went into it, from everyone else, we are a close family, there only is the six of us, the rest of the family don’t bother with us an we’ve never been close

Yeah I got presents, an mum put up balloons an streamers, but that all felt like it was only for show, like doing something because that’s what you think you should do, there was no love behind any of it, time and love is more important to me than any gift money can buy

I had two voice in my head, the one that wanted to at least do something to salvage the day and have fun, and the other who was angry, this is my birthday, and I’m the one paying to have it, in the end the stubborn angry voice won, so I thought F… It, I might as well do something

I ended up just going to the casino, where I lost quite a bit, when people wished me happy birthday, I thought, what’s happy about it, I felt pretty pathetic sitting in a casino alone on my 30th

Mum figured out where I was an joined me for a while, it was better than being alone, but I was just really disappointed, more with myself than anything, so I barely spoke, regret is a horrible thing, and I have many

Birthdays for me are special, I don’t know why, maybe growing up in foster care, it was the one thing that couldn’t be taken away from me, my birthday

My last special birthday was of course 21, but I was really ill back then, that was back when I didn’t like people looking at me in natural light, an would put covers over the curtains to block out any light getting into my room, I’d just have lamps on an always looking at my face in a mirror, its not as bad as it sounds, but it was a hard time for me, I think it was a form of body dysmorphia

My mum came into my room that night with a big bun with 21 on it, an a candle, I nearly cried because I felt so weak an pathetic in that moment, I was so afraid to live my life that I didn’t

I guess boring means no drama right? Its memorable, for the wrong reasons, but sometimes that’s what we need in life to motivate us, like how I spent so many new years alone, until I vowed never to again… Barring this year of course…

Well, there’s always next year… Or when I’m 40!

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Cat-fished The Rant!

So as the title says, this is a rant, so I’ll understand if you have better things to do than read this, its more for me than you, but…

There was this little black kitten in our estate, an it was crying for days, sometimes it would try an follow us home on the way back from town

Every time we got further away from it, it would cry louder, I’m an animal lover an always have been, so the cries pulled at my heart, I knew it was homeless because it was so thin

I could hear it crying all night from my room, an I slowly felt more an more guilty, thinking what can I do, we have a dog that lives in the house, an I already have a cat, who also lives inside, so I knew we couldn’t take it in, if you leave the kitten at all, it cries, an I mean cries, louder than any baby you’ve ever heard, us having the dog, an my cat, who are kept separate anyway, an my mum an step dad not too keen on the idea etc I thought about all that

When I was younger, and was living with a foster parent, cats would somehow always come into the back garden, I don’t know if people owned them or not, but I’d pet them forever, an then they’d never leave, the foster mum still fed them everyday though, even though they weren’t our pets, they all lived in a dog house that the dog never used, I was like some kind of, albeit innocently speaking cat burglar, literally

Anyway of topic, so I planned to take the kitten to the vet, because they wouldn’t turn away a helpless little kitten

I’d already asked this girl who lives near me for help, as she had re-homed a stray dog before, but she said her life was too crazy for a kitten right now, even though I wasn’t asking her to keep it, but anyway…

The night before I was gonna go to the vets, I got speaking to a woman we have kind of known for a long time, I had a run in with her years ago, when she owned a charity shop, long story short, I bought a dvd player, an was told by her son that if it didn’t work, I could bring it back an get a refund, when I did I was refused an had to settle for a credit note

But in the meantime she said her son had already phoned her, an explained about the whole giving me a refund, ok I’m sure he did, then before we could use the credit note, which by then I had given to my aunt, she barred us all from the store, for nothing, she’s a con artist, an I know she was robbing the place blind, no wonder she went out of business

Funny how she always seemed to have a bag full of two pound coins when she went to the casino, and after the shop closed down, she didn’t, she’s a thief, but we are civil anyway, an it was about the kitten, not me

She said her daughter lives on a farm, so if I brought the kitten to her, it would have a home, I thought great

The next evening, I got the kitten, it was crying in the doorway of a neighbours house, wouldn’t have killed someone to give it something, if I could hear it, they all could

I fed it an then took the kitten in a taxi to the womans house, she wasn’t there, but her son was an, let’s just say he was an ignorant.. So an so, avoiding certain words, of course he didn’t want to take it, until I got him to get his mum on the phone, I handed over the cat, an I felt good

About two days later, I see the woman again, an I ask how’s the kitten, turns out the son left a window open an it got out, so I think hmmm its winter an your son left a window open, ok, he smokes so I guess that could be true

She says someone she knows saw the cat hanging around the leisure centre which is only around the corner from her house, an that she’d go look for it the next day

I see her again, these run ins are at a small casino in town, where she is most days, my town has nothing, literally, so when I’m bored I do go in for a gamble, its a bad habit an I’ll deal with that at some point

So I ask her did she look for the kitten, she went silent, probably thinking up a lie, an she finally says to be honest I didn’t, not before saying the cat probably had aids, an that’s why its so thin… Really, I thought there’s more chance of you having aids than the kitten, but anyway, I leave it at that

I see too much of this woman, but I see her again, by this time she’s already spoken to my mum in passing, an told her that the cats owner turned up at her house asking about the cat, that it was a little old lady that lives down near us

So ok, first, that’s a lie, but let’s just say its true for arguments sake, I saw the cat everyday for about a week, and heard it crying, the cat was thin, you could see its bones, so was obviously outside for at least a week if not more, the old lady somehow didn’t find it in that time, even though I told you I saw it everyday, I took the kitten in the evening, dark, in a taxi, a mile into town, straight to her house, an some how the lady knew exactly where to go? Are you kidding me

I was angry when I saw her again, but just said, funny how the woman knew exactly where to go, she only replied by saying, I was wondering that myself

But as I said, she’s a liar an a con artist, about two years ago she suddenly became a psychic, so she cons people for a living, she’s not so psychic when she’s losing money in a casino

The truth probably is, either they didn’t want it an just let it loose, or it did get out an they just gave up an couldn’t be bothered, the crying probably annoyed them, cause it couldn’t be left alone, but I’m left feeling guilty, I should have brought it to the vets like I planned

But she had said the vets would probably have put it down, an when she mentioned her daughters farm, you know… but I know the vets would have given it to a shelter, a cute little black kitten that was very affectionate would have been re-homed in no time

Maybe I should have tried to find its owner before re-homing it, if it had one, but from what I’ve told you, it probably didn’t, and re-homing it was better than it starving out in the cold and dyeing, where it was last seen, a lot of older people live, I hope some kind older lady took it in, that’s what I hope

They do say no good deed goes unpunished, an in this case its true

Booze And Bruises

You know me, I’m not the best writer/blogger, an I have a lot to cover in this post, cause its been a minute since my last post

As you know, my older brother split up with his girlfriend last february, and within two weeks she started dating an old friend of my younger brothers, I say old friend, because they fell out and ever since he and my brothers have been at war, I’m not going to go into the many conflicts between them, because I already have in other posts

(Without names, this is a mess)

About a week or so a go, it was all over facebook, that the old friend was fighting with my brothers ex at a party, another young girl had stepped in to stick up for the ex, in doing so, the old friend took a bat, and hit her across the head with it several times, landing her in hospital

Everyone else at the party, then took into the old friend, hitting him with anything they could find, also landing him in hospital, resulting in 15 staples and 7 stitches, he was able to leave after about 5 hours

About two days later, the ex and the old friend were back together, but on friday it was all over facebook that the old friend was dead, I didn’t believe it at first, but its true, heroine overdose is what people are saying, so its kind of shocking

Since my older brother and the ex split up, he’s met a new girlfriend, I’ve mentioned her before, an gave my opinion, when maybe I should have none, after all its not my life

Its just things like they’ve only been together about six months, an they are already living together, there was talk of an engagement ring, sadly an its a horrible thing for anyone to go through, but she’s already had a miscarriage, maybe two I’m not sure

A few years ago she had some kind of accident, and has been taking these pain killers called tramadol?? (I could have googled that, but I didn’t really want to)

I know they are painkillers, but I heard they use them on cancer patients that have come to the stage where sadly treatment is no longer an option

Since my brother an her have been together, they’ve been taking them together, I don’t even know if she needs them anymore or lies to get them, I don’t know, but a couple of weeks ago my brother had a seizure as a result of taking them, thankfully since then he has stopped

Anyway, my younger brother is just.. I don’t know, throwing his life away

He was staying with my aunt, after yet another fight with his girlfriend, who as you know is pregnant, an is due in about three weeks

He an my aunt got into a fight, they’ve never really gotten along, and aren’t close, but that’s where he runs when the girlfriend kicks him out, so, whatever happened my aunt grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, although he says she was choking him, so he hit her in the face an she was walking around with a black eye

He then had court for past offences, in which he was sentenced to 5 months in prison, mostly because he was being cocky to his probation officer saying he wouldn’t get jail time, once the judge read the comments, he got jail

He was in for about two days, and got bail, but has to be in by 8 everyday, and can’t drink, but in that time, about a week or so, has been doing nothing but drinking, and staying out past the 8 o’clock curfew

One of those nights, the police happened to call to his girlfriends house, where he’s living, and of course he wasn’t there, so now he’s breached his bail, and is in hiding, but only until tuesday when he’s back in court, where he will defiantly be sent back to prison

The police have already been here and searched our house, its not good for my anxiety, and with social phobia, now every time a car pulls up outside our house I’m panicking, saying that, mum told the police man about how I can be around strangers, and so they didn’t enter my room, even though my brother could have been hiding in it, so that was good of them

Well when the police were at his girlfriends, he wasn’t there, because he was here, drunk, he started a fight with our mum, calling her names and even though he said he would never touch her, he was making threats

Mum was asking him to leave, and saying if he didn’t she would put him out, and he was saying ‘come on then’ an things like that

He was making hurtful comments like ‘you’re ok when I’m giving you money’ which really hurt mum, and she was crying for what seemed like forever, of course I defended her, an gave her a hug

He never visits us sober anymore, he says he needs a drink or he can’t leave the house, but that’s only a new thing, so either he’s telling lies, or his addiction to alcohol has been the cause, ie, he’s more confident and fearless while drunk

The last time he was here, like a week before, again drunk, he started on me, and was threatening me, but unlike mum, I walked away, and went upstairs, because you can’t argue with a drunk person, he came to me with the apology, as well he should, but sorry loses its meaning after a while

Eventually my brothers taxi came an he left, and was meant to be going home, but got off in town and bought more drink

He was driving around with this woman, a known drug user, we all know her, an I’ve even been in her house once, one night when I was taking meth myself, which I regret but have no problem admitting to

They went an got drugs, I sound so old… But yeah, mdma? I think it is, she drove him to an old friends house, also a drug user, and when the girl didn’t let him in, he threw a bottle at her window, smashing it, an of course she phoned the police, I think that’s mainly why they were looking for him, but also for the breaching of his bail

In the end, he ended up head butting the woman he was with an who had been driving him around, he stole her bag full of medication, an other things, he took her wine, and forty pound from her purse, which he then used to pay a taxi home

Of course he has no memory of any of this, maybe people are different, but I’ve been drunk, and even drank for a couple of days at a time, with no sleep an I remember everything, I think its an excuse to dodge blame

He must have used her phone to ring mum, so the next day, the woman rang mum, and asked her could she buy her tobacco, as she didn’t want to leave the house, because my brother had left her face pretty bad, she says mum an her used to talk all the time years ago, an although my mum knows her, she can’t remember ever really talking to her

But anyway, we got her the tobacco, which she paid for, her face was pretty bad, her left eye is swollen shut and she’s all bruised, I didn’t think my brother would do something like that, I mean its wrong anyway, but to a woman, and also to steal from someone

The woman started saying I had gotten really attractive, an asking was I available an rubbing her arm up against me, which made me really uncomfortable, she’s also a lesbian, so that was confusing, but the poor woman I don’t think, even knows where she is half the time

I don’t wanna be cruel, but I didn’t want to be there, her house is a mess, she lives in the living room, on a camp bed in the middle of the room, the beds broken in the middle, an the mattress is black with dirt, when I was there before, it was messy, but tidy messy, she had everything in bags, but now it looks like all the bags were tipped onto the floor, and the place smells like urine

You could see the dinner plate an the straw beside the bed, which she uses for her meth, and she had tipped an ash tray onto the bed to get the butts for the tobacco, I feel sorry for her to be honest

I actually read this post to my mum, because sometimes my posts feel wrong somehow, like they make me feel dirty in some way, is it too much for a blog that’s meant to be about a journey of mental illness, but then this is part of my life and it does affect me

I sat an thought, what have I been doing, this all over shadows anything that I’ve been doing, truthfully I’m trying to live with a more calming mindset, as hard as that may be, but its not easy

I’ve gained like, 3 stone, I hate me right now, I’m not happy, an I have no self control, I’m coming from 2015, where I was ill all year, every month I had a new symptom of some illness, I think due to anxiety and somatic illness, I thought thank god that years over, come 2016 I get a virus in january, and I’m still dealing with this sleep disorder where I’m waking up gasping for air

I think when will it end, so I’ve been keeping to myself, I’ve been quiet, or boring if you want to put it another way, but I’m getting there slowly, I always bounce back, thats something I love about myself

Anyway, its my birthday in about three weeks, I’m turning 30! Not a big deal but to me its a mile stone in some ways, 30 years of life, its a long time to be living this… I don’t know what this is sometimes

Just my crazy life and my crazy journey through it!