Booze And Bruises

You know me, I’m not the best writer/blogger, an I have a lot to cover in this post, cause its been a minute since my last post

As you know, my older brother split up with his girlfriend last february, and within two weeks she started dating an old friend of my younger brothers, I say old friend, because they fell out and ever since he and my brothers have been at war, I’m not going to go into the many conflicts between them, because I already have in other posts

(Without names, this is a mess)

About a week or so a go, it was all over facebook, that the old friend was fighting with my brothers ex at a party, another young girl had stepped in to stick up for the ex, in doing so, the old friend took a bat, and hit her across the head with it several times, landing her in hospital

Everyone else at the party, then took into the old friend, hitting him with anything they could find, also landing him in hospital, resulting in 15 staples and 7 stitches, he was able to leave after about 5 hours

About two days later, the ex and the old friend were back together, but on friday it was all over facebook that the old friend was dead, I didn’t believe it at first, but its true, heroine overdose is what people are saying, so its kind of shocking

Since my older brother and the ex split up, he’s met a new girlfriend, I’ve mentioned her before, an gave my opinion, when maybe I should have none, after all its not my life

Its just things like they’ve only been together about six months, an they are already living together, there was talk of an engagement ring, sadly an its a horrible thing for anyone to go through, but she’s already had a miscarriage, maybe two I’m not sure

A few years ago she had some kind of accident, and has been taking these pain killers called tramadol?? (I could have googled that, but I didn’t really want to)

I know they are painkillers, but I heard they use them on cancer patients that have come to the stage where sadly treatment is no longer an option

Since my brother an her have been together, they’ve been taking them together, I don’t even know if she needs them anymore or lies to get them, I don’t know, but a couple of weeks ago my brother had a seizure as a result of taking them, thankfully since then he has stopped

Anyway, my younger brother is just.. I don’t know, throwing his life away

He was staying with my aunt, after yet another fight with his girlfriend, who as you know is pregnant, an is due in about three weeks

He an my aunt got into a fight, they’ve never really gotten along, and aren’t close, but that’s where he runs when the girlfriend kicks him out, so, whatever happened my aunt grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, although he says she was choking him, so he hit her in the face an she was walking around with a black eye

He then had court for past offences, in which he was sentenced to 5 months in prison, mostly because he was being cocky to his probation officer saying he wouldn’t get jail time, once the judge read the comments, he got jail

He was in for about two days, and got bail, but has to be in by 8 everyday, and can’t drink, but in that time, about a week or so, has been doing nothing but drinking, and staying out past the 8 o’clock curfew

One of those nights, the police happened to call to his girlfriends house, where he’s living, and of course he wasn’t there, so now he’s breached his bail, and is in hiding, but only until tuesday when he’s back in court, where he will defiantly be sent back to prison

The police have already been here and searched our house, its not good for my anxiety, and with social phobia, now every time a car pulls up outside our house I’m panicking, saying that, mum told the police man about how I can be around strangers, and so they didn’t enter my room, even though my brother could have been hiding in it, so that was good of them

Well when the police were at his girlfriends, he wasn’t there, because he was here, drunk, he started a fight with our mum, calling her names and even though he said he would never touch her, he was making threats

Mum was asking him to leave, and saying if he didn’t she would put him out, and he was saying ‘come on then’ an things like that

He was making hurtful comments like ‘you’re ok when I’m giving you money’ which really hurt mum, and she was crying for what seemed like forever, of course I defended her, an gave her a hug

He never visits us sober anymore, he says he needs a drink or he can’t leave the house, but that’s only a new thing, so either he’s telling lies, or his addiction to alcohol has been the cause, ie, he’s more confident and fearless while drunk

The last time he was here, like a week before, again drunk, he started on me, and was threatening me, but unlike mum, I walked away, and went upstairs, because you can’t argue with a drunk person, he came to me with the apology, as well he should, but sorry loses its meaning after a while

Eventually my brothers taxi came an he left, and was meant to be going home, but got off in town and bought more drink

He was driving around with this woman, a known drug user, we all know her, an I’ve even been in her house once, one night when I was taking meth myself, which I regret but have no problem admitting to

They went an got drugs, I sound so old… But yeah, mdma? I think it is, she drove him to an old friends house, also a drug user, and when the girl didn’t let him in, he threw a bottle at her window, smashing it, an of course she phoned the police, I think that’s mainly why they were looking for him, but also for the breaching of his bail

In the end, he ended up head butting the woman he was with an who had been driving him around, he stole her bag full of medication, an other things, he took her wine, and forty pound from her purse, which he then used to pay a taxi home

Of course he has no memory of any of this, maybe people are different, but I’ve been drunk, and even drank for a couple of days at a time, with no sleep an I remember everything, I think its an excuse to dodge blame

He must have used her phone to ring mum, so the next day, the woman rang mum, and asked her could she buy her tobacco, as she didn’t want to leave the house, because my brother had left her face pretty bad, she says mum an her used to talk all the time years ago, an although my mum knows her, she can’t remember ever really talking to her

But anyway, we got her the tobacco, which she paid for, her face was pretty bad, her left eye is swollen shut and she’s all bruised, I didn’t think my brother would do something like that, I mean its wrong anyway, but to a woman, and also to steal from someone

The woman started saying I had gotten really attractive, an asking was I available an rubbing her arm up against me, which made me really uncomfortable, she’s also a lesbian, so that was confusing, but the poor woman I don’t think, even knows where she is half the time

I don’t wanna be cruel, but I didn’t want to be there, her house is a mess, she lives in the living room, on a camp bed in the middle of the room, the beds broken in the middle, an the mattress is black with dirt, when I was there before, it was messy, but tidy messy, she had everything in bags, but now it looks like all the bags were tipped onto the floor, and the place smells like urine

You could see the dinner plate an the straw beside the bed, which she uses for her meth, and she had tipped an ash tray onto the bed to get the butts for the tobacco, I feel sorry for her to be honest

I actually read this post to my mum, because sometimes my posts feel wrong somehow, like they make me feel dirty in some way, is it too much for a blog that’s meant to be about a journey of mental illness, but then this is part of my life and it does affect me

I sat an thought, what have I been doing, this all over shadows anything that I’ve been doing, truthfully I’m trying to live with a more calming mindset, as hard as that may be, but its not easy

I’ve gained like, 3 stone, I hate me right now, I’m not happy, an I have no self control, I’m coming from 2015, where I was ill all year, every month I had a new symptom of some illness, I think due to anxiety and somatic illness, I thought thank god that years over, come 2016 I get a virus in january, and I’m still dealing with this sleep disorder where I’m waking up gasping for air

I think when will it end, so I’ve been keeping to myself, I’ve been quiet, or boring if you want to put it another way, but I’m getting there slowly, I always bounce back, thats something I love about myself

Anyway, its my birthday in about three weeks, I’m turning 30! Not a big deal but to me its a mile stone in some ways, 30 years of life, its a long time to be living this… I don’t know what this is sometimes

Just my crazy life and my crazy journey through it!

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