Party Pooper

It was my birthday yesterday, it was my 30th… An I have to say, it was probably the worst birthday I’ve ever had, it wasn’t anyone’s fault really, as the time ticked on, things just fell apart, and I ended up pretty much doing nothing

For weeks I couldn’t make up my mind about what to do, so when yesterday came, there wasn’t a plan, though I had many ideas

My older brothers, new girlfriends mum made me a birthday cake which was really nice of her, as I haven’t even met her yet, mum my step dad an I had a nice birthday lunch, an then I went and lifted some of my claim money because everyone else had destroyed theirs

No one had kept any money, my younger brother as you know is now in prison, my older brother hadn’t even bought me a present, I ended up having to lend him money the day before

My older brother wanted to have a drink, I wanted to go to a bar an have fun, social phobia isn’t a problem after a few drinks, I didn’t want to sit at home an drink, I’ve done that in the past an it was fun, but this time, it sounded sad, maybe because this wasn’t just any birthday

I was willing to pay for us to all go bowling or something, just have a laugh an I thought it would help me get to know my brothers girlfriend, who I had only met the day before

I tried phoning my aunt, to get her to organise it, but she didn’t answer her phone, by now it was about half six, my mum had went out to visit my aunt, an do a message for her or something, my step dad was out walking the dog an he’s gone for over an hour, an so I was left sitting home alone

When can we be slightly immature, if not on our birthdays, I like to recapture the past a little, be silly an not act like a grown up for a day, forget life and the outside world, take the seriousness out of life until tomorrow when everything becomes real again

I am a 30 year old man now, an I know that, but these are the times when a family should come together, to me, I only moved home at 17, I didn’t have what most kids did, I celebrated my birthdays with foster families, not my real family, is it wrong to still want to make up for lost time, even though I’m not a child anymore, maybe its time to let go of that part of me, I guess i shouldn’t be trying to live my birthdays like I’m a teenager anymore, nut sometimes its easy to forget

A part of me was angry, that so little thought had went into it, from everyone else, we are a close family, there only is the six of us, the rest of the family don’t bother with us an we’ve never been close

Yeah I got presents, an mum put up balloons an streamers, but that all felt like it was only for show, like doing something because that’s what you think you should do, there was no love behind any of it, time and love is more important to me than any gift money can buy

I had two voice in my head, the one that wanted to at least do something to salvage the day and have fun, and the other who was angry, this is my birthday, and I’m the one paying to have it, in the end the stubborn angry voice won, so I thought F… It, I might as well do something

I ended up just going to the casino, where I lost quite a bit, when people wished me happy birthday, I thought, what’s happy about it, I felt pretty pathetic sitting in a casino alone on my 30th

Mum figured out where I was an joined me for a while, it was better than being alone, but I was just really disappointed, more with myself than anything, so I barely spoke, regret is a horrible thing, and I have many

Birthdays for me are special, I don’t know why, maybe growing up in foster care, it was the one thing that couldn’t be taken away from me, my birthday

My last special birthday was of course 21, but I was really ill back then, that was back when I didn’t like people looking at me in natural light, an would put covers over the curtains to block out any light getting into my room, I’d just have lamps on an always looking at my face in a mirror, its not as bad as it sounds, but it was a hard time for me, I think it was a form of body dysmorphia

My mum came into my room that night with a big bun with 21 on it, an a candle, I nearly cried because I felt so weak an pathetic in that moment, I was so afraid to live my life that I didn’t

I guess boring means no drama right? Its memorable, for the wrong reasons, but sometimes that’s what we need in life to motivate us, like how I spent so many new years alone, until I vowed never to again… Barring this year of course…

Well, there’s always next year… Or when I’m 40!

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