Caught In The Middle

There is a lot of tension in the air at the moment an everyone around me seems like they are on the verge of snapping at any moment

I’m finding it hard to live any kind of normal life at the moment, though my life has never been normal, there are periods where I feel ‘ok’

As you know my cousin has made false statements against members of my family, I talked about it in my last post, anyway.. now there will be a court case on the 20th of june, where I will be asked to be a witness, which isn’t helping my anxiety either

I can feel everyones stress, an its like a headache before a thunder storm

My step dad has been weird for some time, I think its cause he’s taken on extra work, which makes him more money but then my mum gambles it, his moods can be scary, because he won’t say anything, he goes silent, he’ll speed up the car, an he won’t break properly at speed bumps, all the while saying nothing or only giving mumbled responses, then he’ll slam the car doors

He started driving off one night in a mood an I only had one foot in the car, he later apologised saying he didn’t know, I think he finds it hard to say no to mum so his frustrations come out in the only way he knows to deal with it

My mum has been dealing with depression an anxiety for a few years now, this case against her is starting to take its toll an I can tell, I worry about her, all she does all day is clean, sleep, gamble an then binges on sweets an crisps before bed

My mum gambles everyday if she can, for a while I was giving her money, but at a point I had to start asking for it back, she owes me hundreds, but that doesn’t stop her from asking, I’ve told her countless times how it stresses me with people always asking me for money, but she still keeps asking, she promised to stop asking but hasn’t, when I say no, she promises to pay me out of her weekly money (whereas now I keep the rent I would pay her as a way to get it back) but then I feel bad because it puts more strain on my step dads money, the guilt sets in an I end up working some other way to get the money instead

For a while she would use my illness against me, if her money ran out quite quick, she knew I wouldn’t want to go home so soon after only getting to the casino, so she would say she was going to ring my step dad to take her home, resulting in either us both leaving as I didn’t like to be alone an walk home by myself, or that I would lend her money so she would stay with me

Now that doesn’t happen as I’ve gotten more control over my social phobia

I don’t even like the casino, but there’s not many places I can go where I feel comfortable, in the evenings our town has nothing, when my anxiety would play up, it was a distraction, when I went to the casino I didn’t feel ill, though I have had panic attacks there an have had to lock myself in the bathroom

I think my mum uses it for the same reasons, that an she’s stuck inside all day, but now its become an addiction

She says she’s crying a lot an she snaps a lot more than she used to, I think due to frustration an anger, she’s now made an emergency appointment to see her psychiatrist because she’s finding it hard to cope

My aunt, its hard to say, because she doesn’t have the capacity to really think that deep, you can’t hold a conversation with her, she’s only waiting to you finish so she can say what’s on her mind, I’ve tried to tell her things in the past, where she’s more interested in showing you a new duvet cover she bought, that’s just how she is, she is a kind person an would do anything for you though if she can

My older brother is living with his girlfriend out of town, an though he has cut down, he drinks, an she, the girlfriend is addicted to painkillers

As you know my younger brother is in prison, an then there’s me trapped in the middle, I’m not trying to make it all about me because we all have our problems in life

My brothers in prison, an my family are making him out the victim, but he did get drunk, attack our next door neighbour, an threatened my uncles family an punched my cousin on the chin, he was only out of prison one day an has a new baby at home, I feel for him, but he did this to himself

Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating

The Other Side Of The Glass: Life Through My Window

So I haven’t posted in a while… To be honest I’ve gotten lazy, an a post can be done from bed, so what does that tell you!

I never know where to begin with these things, I usually ramble my way though an hope it turns out ok, so why change that now right

As I said above, I’ve gotten lazy, an with that comes being unhealthy, I’m smoking like a train, my diet is a disgrace, I’ve gained weight, my doctors advice, try an do some exercise over the summer, thanks for those pearls of wisdom, I know they can’t wave a magic wand an make everything better, but this is the same man who told me to go home an eat cake the last time I asked for help

He also pointed out that I am 30 now, so ok, it was fine when I was 29 about 5 months before, but now I’m 30, its somehow worse? Where do they find these people

I’m not happy, I’m not in a good place an I know that, I have no energy or motivation for life, there’s no excitement, nothing to live for, an I don’t mean that in a suicidal way

I’ve gotten so much better with my social phobia though, I’ve been trying graded exposure which seems to be helping, I’m not afraid to leave the house anymore, I’m self conscious but I push on, I go into town alone almost everyday, just to a local shop an then home, I’ve been going to cafes an restaurants for meals, I’ve been to the circus, I went to a bar with a friend an had a few drinks, I’m really trying, I spent so long being a prisoner in my own home, watching others live there lives from a window, I couldn’t take it anymore

Its hard sometimes, because no one ever seems to want to go anywhere or do anything, an I don’t know that many people, right now I’m at home an my mum an step dad are asleep in the living room, maybe I left it too late, everyone’s been there an done that, an I’m only just beginning to get there, I’ve held myself back a lot through fear, but I feel like its my time to finally live, I’ve wasted too much time already

I’m not going to pretend its been easy, because it hasn’t been, an I still find it hard, people might not understand unless they’ve been there, but getting up everyday, getting washed, doing your hair, forcing yourself to look at your reflection in the mirror when you see everything you hate, an then having to present that person to the world while anxious an scared, its a struggle, but one I’m fighting

Saying that, lately you never know what you’re going to get with me, my moods shift an swing so many times in a day, this is usually a problem for teenagers, but mental illness and depression especially for me create a mind field form of life, one minute I’m angry, then i could be laughing the next I’m crying

I stopped taking my anti psychotic medication a few months ago, so perhaps that’s why I’ve been feeling less in control, but I’d rather that, I’d rather feel something than be drugged to feel another way

I’m holding a lot of stress, I’m still jumping out of my sleep gasping for air, an my somatic disorder is causing havoc with my body, how have I stayed this sane? I think its denial, how did I make it through 2015… I never could have a few years ago, so I’ve come a long way

Anyway, enough about me, its family drama time again, I know you all love this part, I’m not a good writer so bare with me…

So, as you know my younger brother was in jail, for 10 weeks, he was released on a friday about two weeks ago, instead of going home to his girlfriend an new baby, he went to a bar an got drunk instead

Come the saturday, he’s drinking again, he an his girlfriend fall out so he lands to our house in a taxi, drunk, its the first time I’ve seen him in weeks as I can’t deal with the jail process you go through

He eventually leaves, we later hear he’s been arrested, turns out he landed to our uncles house, when they tried to get him to leave, he turned violent an started to threaten everyone, my uncle, his wife, the wifes mum an our cousin, he pee’d all over their doorstep an finally punched our cousin on the chin, we also heard he made another stop at a well known house of a drinker, an hit him on the head with a tin of beer, so he’s back in prison

Our cousin, has since filed for a claim, saying that as a result of the punch, her jaw is out of line, I’m not sticking up for my brother, but it took her 4 days to go to the doctors, I’ve seen her several times, an her jaw is fine, she says she can’t eat solids, but has been eating crisps an pizza etc, she claimed she couldn’t work but has been working everyday

A couple of days later, my mum wanted answers so she phoned my uncle, she tried to explain that my uncle should have phoned her, an she would have come straight up an removed my brother, I can’t hold it against my cousin, but mum felt hurt in some way because they involved the police

My uncles wife was in the back ground, an could be heard being quite abusive, which then started an argument between her an my mum on the phone

When my mother an I, my uncle an the cousin met in person, funnily at the casino of all places, (they are addicted to gambling) again arguing started, there were a lot of hurtful things said, but it never got physical

My cousin then went to the police an her solicitor an got an order against my mum, aunt and older brother, to stay away from her, we got a copy of the report an the lies she told were unbelievable

She said our family were stalking her, an hanging around her home, that my mum an aunt approached her in town while she was working, an were abusive an threatening, that on the night of the argument, my mum grabbed her arm, preventing her from leaving an threatened to slice her, an that my mum threatened to involve my older brother to ‘sort her out’

She says she’s been left disturbed an afraid for her life, but the thing is, its all lies, none of that happened

So now if my mum sees her in town, she has to turn an go another way, she can’t even say hello or she.. I’m pretty sure gets arrested, that’s how bad it is

She told the same lies to her doctor, as that report was also included in the one we got, she has an admitted addiction to diazepam, which she got as a result of her false statements, but the worst part is, my mother is also a patient at the same doctors surgery

I met her an my uncle one night not long ago, as I haven’t been mentioned in the reports an have nothing to do with any of it, I can approach her, an we get on very well, I calmly told her about the statements we read, and how they are false, an how she knew they were

She blamed her solicitor for the errors saying he rushed the order, an that’s how mistakes were made in her statement, an how one thing meant another an a whole load of nonsense, she failed to mention my name, even though I was present on two of the occasions she claiming, it was caught on cctv, and witnessed by a member of staff

I wrote a statement for my mother, an now I have to be a witness in a court case that will come at some stage, as my cousin is trying to make the order more permanent, my uncle heard my cousin admit everything, though he probably already knew it to be lies, but he is a christian an a pastor, so I wonder how he’ll avoid the truth if he’s sworn in, in court, probably pray for forgiveness afterwards, that’s how a lot of christians live with guilt, just my opinion

I just can’t believe that my cousin can make up as many lies as she wants, an it goes to court without my mum etc being about to tell their side, in court is when she’ll have to defend herself, how is that fair? But I guess that’s the law

My mum, aunt an older brother had to see the solicitor yesterday, but of course my older brother had been drinking, an made a fool of himself

He also had a brain scan as he had a seizure a few weeks ago, but we know its cause he’s taking tablets that are meant to be for people with nerve damage, he was that drunk they didn’t let him go ahead with it…

Would I know what a normal life is if I ever had one… This is my normal I guess