The Other Side Of The Glass: Life Through My Window

So I haven’t posted in a while… To be honest I’ve gotten lazy, an a post can be done from bed, so what does that tell you!

I never know where to begin with these things, I usually ramble my way though an hope it turns out ok, so why change that now right

As I said above, I’ve gotten lazy, an with that comes being unhealthy, I’m smoking like a train, my diet is a disgrace, I’ve gained weight, my doctors advice, try an do some exercise over the summer, thanks for those pearls of wisdom, I know they can’t wave a magic wand an make everything better, but this is the same man who told me to go home an eat cake the last time I asked for help

He also pointed out that I am 30 now, so ok, it was fine when I was 29 about 5 months before, but now I’m 30, its somehow worse? Where do they find these people

I’m not happy, I’m not in a good place an I know that, I have no energy or motivation for life, there’s no excitement, nothing to live for, an I don’t mean that in a suicidal way

I’ve gotten so much better with my social phobia though, I’ve been trying graded exposure which seems to be helping, I’m not afraid to leave the house anymore, I’m self conscious but I push on, I go into town alone almost everyday, just to a local shop an then home, I’ve been going to cafes an restaurants for meals, I’ve been to the circus, I went to a bar with a friend an had a few drinks, I’m really trying, I spent so long being a prisoner in my own home, watching others live there lives from a window, I couldn’t take it anymore

Its hard sometimes, because no one ever seems to want to go anywhere or do anything, an I don’t know that many people, right now I’m at home an my mum an step dad are asleep in the living room, maybe I left it too late, everyone’s been there an done that, an I’m only just beginning to get there, I’ve held myself back a lot through fear, but I feel like its my time to finally live, I’ve wasted too much time already

I’m not going to pretend its been easy, because it hasn’t been, an I still find it hard, people might not understand unless they’ve been there, but getting up everyday, getting washed, doing your hair, forcing yourself to look at your reflection in the mirror when you see everything you hate, an then having to present that person to the world while anxious an scared, its a struggle, but one I’m fighting

Saying that, lately you never know what you’re going to get with me, my moods shift an swing so many times in a day, this is usually a problem for teenagers, but mental illness and depression especially for me create a mind field form of life, one minute I’m angry, then i could be laughing the next I’m crying

I stopped taking my anti psychotic medication a few months ago, so perhaps that’s why I’ve been feeling less in control, but I’d rather that, I’d rather feel something than be drugged to feel another way

I’m holding a lot of stress, I’m still jumping out of my sleep gasping for air, an my somatic disorder is causing havoc with my body, how have I stayed this sane? I think its denial, how did I make it through 2015… I never could have a few years ago, so I’ve come a long way

Anyway, enough about me, its family drama time again, I know you all love this part, I’m not a good writer so bare with me…

So, as you know my younger brother was in jail, for 10 weeks, he was released on a friday about two weeks ago, instead of going home to his girlfriend an new baby, he went to a bar an got drunk instead

Come the saturday, he’s drinking again, he an his girlfriend fall out so he lands to our house in a taxi, drunk, its the first time I’ve seen him in weeks as I can’t deal with the jail process you go through

He eventually leaves, we later hear he’s been arrested, turns out he landed to our uncles house, when they tried to get him to leave, he turned violent an started to threaten everyone, my uncle, his wife, the wifes mum an our cousin, he pee’d all over their doorstep an finally punched our cousin on the chin, we also heard he made another stop at a well known house of a drinker, an hit him on the head with a tin of beer, so he’s back in prison

Our cousin, has since filed for a claim, saying that as a result of the punch, her jaw is out of line, I’m not sticking up for my brother, but it took her 4 days to go to the doctors, I’ve seen her several times, an her jaw is fine, she says she can’t eat solids, but has been eating crisps an pizza etc, she claimed she couldn’t work but has been working everyday

A couple of days later, my mum wanted answers so she phoned my uncle, she tried to explain that my uncle should have phoned her, an she would have come straight up an removed my brother, I can’t hold it against my cousin, but mum felt hurt in some way because they involved the police

My uncles wife was in the back ground, an could be heard being quite abusive, which then started an argument between her an my mum on the phone

When my mother an I, my uncle an the cousin met in person, funnily at the casino of all places, (they are addicted to gambling) again arguing started, there were a lot of hurtful things said, but it never got physical

My cousin then went to the police an her solicitor an got an order against my mum, aunt and older brother, to stay away from her, we got a copy of the report an the lies she told were unbelievable

She said our family were stalking her, an hanging around her home, that my mum an aunt approached her in town while she was working, an were abusive an threatening, that on the night of the argument, my mum grabbed her arm, preventing her from leaving an threatened to slice her, an that my mum threatened to involve my older brother to ‘sort her out’

She says she’s been left disturbed an afraid for her life, but the thing is, its all lies, none of that happened

So now if my mum sees her in town, she has to turn an go another way, she can’t even say hello or she.. I’m pretty sure gets arrested, that’s how bad it is

She told the same lies to her doctor, as that report was also included in the one we got, she has an admitted addiction to diazepam, which she got as a result of her false statements, but the worst part is, my mother is also a patient at the same doctors surgery

I met her an my uncle one night not long ago, as I haven’t been mentioned in the reports an have nothing to do with any of it, I can approach her, an we get on very well, I calmly told her about the statements we read, and how they are false, an how she knew they were

She blamed her solicitor for the errors saying he rushed the order, an that’s how mistakes were made in her statement, an how one thing meant another an a whole load of nonsense, she failed to mention my name, even though I was present on two of the occasions she claiming, it was caught on cctv, and witnessed by a member of staff

I wrote a statement for my mother, an now I have to be a witness in a court case that will come at some stage, as my cousin is trying to make the order more permanent, my uncle heard my cousin admit everything, though he probably already knew it to be lies, but he is a christian an a pastor, so I wonder how he’ll avoid the truth if he’s sworn in, in court, probably pray for forgiveness afterwards, that’s how a lot of christians live with guilt, just my opinion

I just can’t believe that my cousin can make up as many lies as she wants, an it goes to court without my mum etc being about to tell their side, in court is when she’ll have to defend herself, how is that fair? But I guess that’s the law

My mum, aunt an older brother had to see the solicitor yesterday, but of course my older brother had been drinking, an made a fool of himself

He also had a brain scan as he had a seizure a few weeks ago, but we know its cause he’s taking tablets that are meant to be for people with nerve damage, he was that drunk they didn’t let him go ahead with it…

Would I know what a normal life is if I ever had one… This is my normal I guess

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