They’re Pulling The Trigger

Today I had an appointment with the mental health team, I’ve missed so many appointments lately, because of my anxiety, I’m jumping out of my sleep gasping for air, I’m scared to go to sleep, an then I can’t sleep, an when I do I’m only sleeping for about 4-5 hours a night an so I’m always tired an have no energy

I didn’t even want to go today, but I forced myself to go, it was the psychiatrist today for once, and then the social worker I’d seem last time, I guess cause today was a review rather than a regular appointment

I told them how I was feeling, that my somatic disorder had gotten worse, that my mental illness was really affecting my physical health, I always feel sick, I’m always dizzy, an i can’t concentrate, I told them about my sleep pattern, that I’m comfort eating, that I get so angry all the time an find it hard controlling my emotions, that my emotions seem to take on a personality of their own, I told them about my intrusive thoughts, an that I feel trapped in my own head

I feel lost, empty and sometimes void, an that my anxiety is getting worse, to the point where, as I said above, its showing itself more in a physical way

They now are saying I have a mixed personality disorder, which means I have traits from several of the disorders, with depression an anxiety, which my doctor classes as secondary, an then of course my somatic disorder, social phobia an dissociative identity disorder, which I guess is part of the mixed personality disorder, along the lines of depersonalization

In the end I felt like I was wasting their time, the psychiatrist more or less said that the mental health team wasn’t really the best option for me, an neither is medication, but that it makes me feel better having it than not, yet my psychiatrist before him, told me I’d probably be on medication for the rest of my life

He suggested a group for people with personality disorders, mainly used for self harmers, I told them I can’t do group settings because of my social phobia, to which he said, you don’t really have to talk, like that’s somehow any better

I’ve been seeing the mental health team for sixteen years, if anything, sometimes I feel worse than I’ve ever felt, an feel less in control

What I’ve noticed over the years, an I’ve said it before, when I used to see the mental health team, I’d more or less say the same things as I do now, but I’d break down an cry a lot easier, I was more vulnerable back then, where as now I feel like crying but I can’t, I used to get so much help an a lot more attention paid to my mental illness then, why should tears be what it takes to be taken seriously

I’m going to see my doctor next week, because after today, I don’t know where to turn anymore, I’ve been left feeling confused, yes they did offer me the group therapy, but if they knew me at all they’d know how hard I find social settings, I have been trying graded exposure, but its more controlled an I guess I’m not on my own so its slightly easier

An would it be good for my own mental health to listen to others talk about how they self harm, as that’s mainly what the group focuses on? I don’t know, I will consider it, its that or nothing

I’ve never been a self harmer, I have cut myself in the past, but nothing serious, I’ve suffered with a form of body dismorphia for years, along with eating disorders, because I hated how I looked, being left with scars was not something I wanted

My opinion is, if you can be in an open group setting an talk openly about your problems, then you’re already half way to somewhere, I’m not in that place right now, maybe someday soon, but not now, if I’m honest I wouldn’t feel safe being around other people like myself, because I know the mind set, I live it

But these people, the mental health team and my doctor, are gonna push me over the edge, which is dramatic but, I’ve even had paranoid thoughts that they were all out to get me an were working together in deliberately not helping me in hopes that I might do them all a favour an just end it, like they were getting some kind of joy in seeing me suffer

I don’t think I have another mental health team appointment left in me, I can’t handle it anymore, I just can’t, its become like a trigger for me, after I leave I start getting impulsive thoughts, I’m emotional I’m angry, something else takes over for a short while where I don’t feel in control an its not healthy

The people who are meant to help me get better, are the people who are making me more ill

I’m just dealing with quite a bit, an lately I can’t deal with a lot, yesterday I had to give my witness statement for this court case my cousin is taking against my family, I explained this in a past post, an I’m dreading the thought of going to court, then I had a scan for a lump I found in my neck, but its not big enough for them to worry yet, both my esa and dla had both ran out at the same time, thankfully that’s been resolved an my medical evidence was enough that I didn’t have to attend a medical like last time

An we all know how that went down! Then all this today with the mental health team, I’m already dealing with enough nonsense in my own head as it is, there’s no room for anything else right now

Its all good news an things are slowly working themselves out, so I should be happy, but I never feel like I can enjoy anything anymore, I want to but its like something won’t let me, an then the stress and anxiety carry on afterwards, maybe that’s why, because I worry for so long before an I always expect the worst

I’m so uptight…