I Don’t Want To Be Me

I’m not myself, an this post probably won’t make sense but I need to clear my mind a little

I feel like I’m going crazy, like my mind has a million thoughts an voices, an they are so loud sometimes, I try to ignore it, but its like being followed by someone shouting at you an you can’t get away from them

I see people walk by me all the time, lost in their own lives, I sit there an I feel so invisible, I watched a movie last night an a line from it was, the worst thing you can do when you lock someone in a room, is press their face against the window, an you know its true, I’ve been a prisoner of my own making for so long, like I’ve been asleep for years

But now I’m waking up an I see so much, I see everything, I even see things before they happen, I’m not saying visions or anything, I just see things, like intuition, my mind is always so switched on an I can’t turn it off

Other peoples happiness is starting to make me angry, an I’m not a resentful person, I just want to scream sometimes because I feel so angry inside, like I could explode, but I hold it in

I feel like I’ve lived the same day a million times, an like I’ve had the same conversations the same, I can’t take it, I can’t be around it anymore, its like living in a bad movie

I see myself through someone else’s eyes sometimes, like its not me, I become confused walking the same path I’ve walked hundreds of times, but its like I’m lost, or there for the first time

Some days I wake up, an my emotions an views have completely changed, my whole being as a person, its like every night I go to bed that me dies, an a new person wakes up everyday

I don’t wanna see it anymore, I’m not suicidal, so don’t worry about me, but I don’t want to be part of this world anymore, I just don’t, but what can I do, I don’t want to die, an I don’t want to live, I just don’t want to be me

I don’t wanna be so, awkward, an backward, I wanna be happy when I can’t, its like mental illness controls your mind with a sort of pride, an it won’t let you be who you want to be..

I can hug strangers, but I can’t hug my family, I can’t say I love you, even if I do, I’m not even sure I feel love, I don’t want to be so guarded, so cold toward others, I feel broken because I’m not normal, its my normal, but I’m not normal,

They recently increased my duloxetine back to 6omg, which I’m used to, I asked them to, apart from that I’m only on mirtazapine 15mg, they aren’t meant to go together but I need something to help me sleep, they won’t give me sleeping tablets

Yet they tell me tablets won’t help me, but they’ll give me them anyway because it makes me feel better having them than not, that’s really irresponsible, an kinda f**ked up if you ask me, especially as my doctor just gave me a speech about serotonin syndrome

Its like putting a rat in a maze, me being the rat

They don’t get it, they’re paid to get it, but they don’t, you’re just another 15 minute meal ticket, 15 minutes an another couple of hundred to pay off a student loan or a mortgage, an don’t forget it, you can’t trust these people, they don’t care about you, when they go home at night, do they think about you, no, they leave you in the office, buried in paper work, you’re a name on a piece of paper or a prescription

You’re pouring your heart out, an they’re probably wondering what’s for lunch later

Sometimes it feels like you’ve fallen a hell of a long way down, you keep climbing, trying to reach the top again, when you realize someones been standing on your fingers the whole time

The only person you can really depend on is yourself, sometimes, an even then that’s not the best option when you’re ill

You can always tell by looking into someones eyes, if you see genuine kindness looking back, if they listen an don’t check the time, if they don’t interrupt, if they don’t beat down your feelings with their logical babble, then you may just be in the right place

An tomorrow, I’ll probably not feel this way at all, but that’s the ups an downs of mental illness, you just don’t know

Running From The Shadows

Lately my head is all over the place, one day I’ll be fine, I’ll feel happy, then the next I’m tired an depressed, or a mixture of both

Things around me don’t feel real sometimes, like being awake in a dream, like living in denial of something an then being snapped out of it, or being high on a drug an then crashing, I’m not on any by the way, I haven’t touched drugs in nearly two years, an haven’t been drunk since september last year, an we all know what happened that night

I feel like i’m constantly stuck in a transitional stage between one place an another, wanting one thing but at the same time not, like a tug of war in my mind

I feel sad a lot, I can’t control it, I try to force it away, but I can’t, an I think way too deep thoughts sometimes, I’m not smart, but I have my moments, I just wish I wasn’t so switched on all the time, I can’t turn my brain off, its always ticking, I just don’t want to be so self aware, if that makes sense?

It sounds silly, but I’d love to be in a sort of coma for a few weeks. Or to have some sort of amnesia, just for a while, there’s no getting away from myself

I have been doing better lately though, I’ve lost two stone, I feel more confident, I’m more out going, I make an effort with people I don’t know so well, I don’t want to be seen as socially awkward anymore, I’m tired of hiding in the shadows, where people don’t know I exist

We are also moving house, I don’t know when, but hopefully soon, I think that will help, a clean slate in a way, I’m still not quite ready to go it alone just yet, I so wish I was, but I’ll get there

Family struggles haven’t gotten any easier, which make it hard for peace of mind sometimes, an only add to my anxiety an depression

My younger brother got out of prison again on bail, but got arrested the next day again, he got drunk an got into a fight with someone at the b&b where he was bailed to, he hit another woman an threw a man out of his wheel chair, yes its crazy, so he was arrested as I said

While that was going on, my older brother had heard what was happening, he had been drinking to, an suddenly he was determined to be arrested also, he recently broke up with his girlfriend, an has been back in touch with his ex, who as you know I remained friends with, so I don’t know what will happen with that, she’s currently in rehab, she’s allowed out everyday an we are going to go visit her on wednesday

Anyway, my older brother phoned the police on himself, saying if they didn’t arrest him, he would hurt our aunt, which was really an empty threat, but still, they were so worried about him they phoned an ambulance an were going to send him to hospital an hold him to be evaluated, but things resolved themselves an he was allowed to stay at home

Mean while my mum told me she’s very stressed an depressed, I can’t blame her to be honest, who wouldn’t be, she said that she’s having bad thoughts about hurting herself, an she’s also formed a type of belimia, binge eating an then making herself throw up, she went to the doctor an they made her see the crisis response team, she’s feeling better now, but its a lot for me to process all in one week

Last night, my younger brother came to our house at 6am, banging on the door an looking to get in, I haven’t slept since then, when he came to my room, I kinda lost it an let him have it, he left me alone, but I could hear him downstairs telling mum what he’d do to me ‘bury me’ etc

As if mum needed any extra stress, but I went downstairs an things were ok, I know he wouldn’t really hurt me, but the threats are hurtful enough

He’s also broke up with his girlfriend, she went out one night while he was in prison for those few days, an he got jealous, she’s put up with so much an he can’t handle her going out one night, I think they had a fight over the phone, an she did use her going out that night as a way to hurt him

She keeps taking him back though, he’s about to get an offer for his claim, mum an I are going to the court with him on thursday, yeah they have a child together, but I can’t help feel that’s why she keeps forgiving him, I don’t want to say that, but its how I feel

Also as you know my cousin has a case against my younger brother, my mum an my aunt, in her pursuit of a claim, I explained all this in another post, the court was put back, where I’m being called as a witness, which adds more stress, I just want it all to be over, we don’t even have a date set yet

So I guess you can see why I feel out of sorts lately, its my crazy life, I just want to run away sometimes, leave everything behind me an never look back