I Don’t Want To Be Me

I’m not myself, an this post probably won’t make sense but I need to clear my mind a little

I feel like I’m going crazy, like my mind has a million thoughts an voices, an they are so loud sometimes, I try to ignore it, but its like being followed by someone shouting at you an you can’t get away from them

I see people walk by me all the time, lost in their own lives, I sit there an I feel so invisible, I watched a movie last night an a line from it was, the worst thing you can do when you lock someone in a room, is press their face against the window, an you know its true, I’ve been a prisoner of my own making for so long, like I’ve been asleep for years

But now I’m waking up an I see so much, I see everything, I even see things before they happen, I’m not saying visions or anything, I just see things, like intuition, my mind is always so switched on an I can’t turn it off

Other peoples happiness is starting to make me angry, an I’m not a resentful person, I just want to scream sometimes because I feel so angry inside, like I could explode, but I hold it in

I feel like I’ve lived the same day a million times, an like I’ve had the same conversations the same, I can’t take it, I can’t be around it anymore, its like living in a bad movie

I see myself through someone else’s eyes sometimes, like its not me, I become confused walking the same path I’ve walked hundreds of times, but its like I’m lost, or there for the first time

Some days I wake up, an my emotions an views have completely changed, my whole being as a person, its like every night I go to bed that me dies, an a new person wakes up everyday

I don’t wanna see it anymore, I’m not suicidal, so don’t worry about me, but I don’t want to be part of this world anymore, I just don’t, but what can I do, I don’t want to die, an I don’t want to live, I just don’t want to be me

I don’t wanna be so, awkward, an backward, I wanna be happy when I can’t, its like mental illness controls your mind with a sort of pride, an it won’t let you be who you want to be..

I can hug strangers, but I can’t hug my family, I can’t say I love you, even if I do, I’m not even sure I feel love, I don’t want to be so guarded, so cold toward others, I feel broken because I’m not normal, its my normal, but I’m not normal,

They recently increased my duloxetine back to 6omg, which I’m used to, I asked them to, apart from that I’m only on mirtazapine 15mg, they aren’t meant to go together but I need something to help me sleep, they won’t give me sleeping tablets

Yet they tell me tablets won’t help me, but they’ll give me them anyway because it makes me feel better having them than not, that’s really irresponsible, an kinda f**ked up if you ask me, especially as my doctor just gave me a speech about serotonin syndrome

Its like putting a rat in a maze, me being the rat

They don’t get it, they’re paid to get it, but they don’t, you’re just another 15 minute meal ticket, 15 minutes an another couple of hundred to pay off a student loan or a mortgage, an don’t forget it, you can’t trust these people, they don’t care about you, when they go home at night, do they think about you, no, they leave you in the office, buried in paper work, you’re a name on a piece of paper or a prescription

You’re pouring your heart out, an they’re probably wondering what’s for lunch later

Sometimes it feels like you’ve fallen a hell of a long way down, you keep climbing, trying to reach the top again, when you realize someones been standing on your fingers the whole time

The only person you can really depend on is yourself, sometimes, an even then that’s not the best option when you’re ill

You can always tell by looking into someones eyes, if you see genuine kindness looking back, if they listen an don’t check the time, if they don’t interrupt, if they don’t beat down your feelings with their logical babble, then you may just be in the right place

An tomorrow, I’ll probably not feel this way at all, but that’s the ups an downs of mental illness, you just don’t know

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