A Codeine A Day… 

its almost christmas again, as i get older i still try to hold on to traditions from childhood, an easter egg on easter, carving a pumpkin for halloween etc but as time goes by, everything feels more hollow somehow, theres less excitment than before, theres no sense of wonder, maybe that comes with age, but i dont believe that

I feel sufforcated in this family, an its pulling me down, everyday im surrounded by the same stories of how everyone else is feeling, conversations ive had a hundred times before
things never seem to change, but as the saying goes, we have to be the change we want to see, an change is what i need, in the new year, im moving out, ive made up my mind, i need to have my own room to breathe, mum has in for a move herself, her arthritis is getting worse an with the stairs an being so isolated so far from town etc an with my step dad at work all day, she wants to move

I guess i’ll have to go private, cause the housing executive only gave me forty points, twenty of those was because im not well, which is nothing, i cant get homeless points added until mum excepts an offer on a new place an god knows how long that could take, an even then as a single man… so hence why im thinking private rented

I’m not happy in myself either, i was trying to take better care of myself for a while, id lost over a stone an was grooming myself better, hair cuts an shaving more often, little things, but i just fell back into old habits an regained the weight again an became lazy, depression has a way of doing that to me, i say lazy but really you just dont care anymore, id rather run around dirty in a bin bag to be honest, than have to conform to please others when it does nothing for me

i haven’t been going to the doctors, even though im feeling really ill, im just too anxious, they dont listen an every time i feel sick or am in pain im told its just anxiety, which makes me feel like some crazy guy making up ailments for attention an each time im taken less seriously

i haven’t heard from the mental health team either, the social worker i see now, always seems to be on holiday, who needs a holiday every two week, an as i told you before, they are saying i dont need medication, but that i feel better having it than not, so thats why i get it… i give up with these people

I cant speak to my family because im always over shadowed by someone else, my older brother is going into rehab after christmas, but its like hes trying to get as much drinking done as he can first, getting drunk an taking medication an cutting himself, being taken to hospital an wasting everyones time by going home the next day without getting help, if he behaved this way sober, i could understand, but he gets drunk an turns violent an acts out, he lives with our aunt who has to suffer with it, an the thanks she gets, he gave her a black eye because he woke up after drinking, he was calling for her an she wasnt home

my aunt has her own problems, her daughter was adopted, shes now twelve an is starting to ask questions, as you would, she sees her mum, my aunt, three times a year, but right now being confused about everything, she doesnt want to see my aunt for a while, which im sure is heart breaking, she also lost a baby a few years ago an it would have been her birthday not too long ago, an like my mum she has health problems of her own, an she gets a lot of abuse from my brothers calling her names about her weight etc its sad

An thats why i avoid going to their house, i dont need anymore misery, walking on egg shells an feeling uncomfortable

but we all get it, my younger brother, drunk, was making fun of my hair on friday, its childish, an you cant say anything because you get laughed at an told its only a joke, my hair was longer cause as i said i hadnt been looking after myself, when styled it was ok, but i had bed head an looked a mess, i couldnt really afford it but got it cut that day because i allowed him to make me feel bad, if its not that its the clothes i wear, the things i do, when my beard grows theres a few greys in it these days, the fact ive been single for quite a while, an my weight, which goes up an down alot, depending on how im feeling… its always something, my brothers are sheep, you know those boys who all have the same hair cut, an all wear the same brand name track suits, trainers an iphones etc thats who they are, where as ive always tried to be my own person, as much as i can anyway

talking about friday, my younger brother got drunk an got arrested an held over night, the police were only checking on him to see if he was ok, but he became abusive so they arrested him, hes on probation so hes looking at jail time again, i came home to mum crying to find that out, you ask whats wrong, but you’re thinking, whats happened this time

He’s about to come into some money next year, an has said he would pay for him an i to go on a cruise, to see the northern lights, i love the water an its something ive always wanted to do, but two weeks just him an i trapped on a boat an him drunk doesnt sound too exciting… His money will be controlled by the courts because in his hands id hate to see what could happen

i just want some sense of a normal life, as you know i myself grew up in foster care, an moved home at seventeen, an this has been my life ever since, ive never known a normal life, so you see why i have to get away now, i dont know why i havent already, making up for lost time but mostly fear i guess, just like how i havent changed doctors or done a lot of things

I feel lost, an lonely, im very emotional lately, somedays i find myself taking a codeine painkiller just to get trough the day, which doesnt sound like anything, but for me it works like diazepam an its only one, so im not abusing painkillers or anything

I’m keeping this post shorter than id like, cause im using a touch screen on the wordpress app which i hate, an its taking me forever to type this, no spell check or automatic punctuation that made me look like i was of at least average intelligence, oh blackberry how i miss you…