Falling Apart… Slowly

I’ve been meaning to write a post for a while, but just couldn’t bring myself to, but after the last few days i had to share how I’m feeling

Im feeling really depressed, an ive just about given up all hope, lately an over the last two years my physical health has become worse than my mental health, every time id go to the doctors, he’d tell me it was due to anxiety, so after a while i felt like i was being seen as a hypochondriac, so i stopped going, and up until last week i hadn’t gone to the doctors for about six months, i felt nervous an paranoid, id make appointments an then cancel them last minute 

All my tests were coming back clear, so what was i to think, to do, every week it seemed like i had a new issue, a new symptom

I finally forced myself to go last week, he did ask do i want tests, to which i said whats the point, cause its all the same things ive had tests for, i did ask for bloods though, and for an inflammation marker test to be added into it cause something is going on, and that test helps with diagnosing Fibromyalgia, its not normal to be in pain an to feel so tired

He said i need to get out more, walk the dog, maybe get a bike or go for a picnic, to get a bit of a spark about me… i have social phobia, which makes it hard for me to be in public an around strangers, im 31 years old now an ive tried really hard to over come it, i just cant, they tell me these things as though it should be easy, an its not, ive been trying graded exposure for years, i have tried my best

Last night i went into town, by myself, and it was dark, you can see how that would be hard, a group of boys came out of a house, i could tell they were drunk, i went into panic mode, but kept going, they were on the other side of the road but i could hear them talking about me, one guy said i lived in his estate, an that i was gay, someone must have said how do you know or something,  cause i could hear him say look at how he walks, i guess saying it behind my back was better than to me but it was still hurtful

Ive never talked about my sexuality on here, because its never been an issue, not really, i hate labels but if i have to be labelled, id say i was open minded, not gay or straight, love is were you find it, thats what i believe, but being labelled is something im used too

When i finally got away from them, got my stuff an headed home, it was dwelling on me an i held back tears, i told myself this is when you either stay strong or fall apart, which is it gonna be, i pulled myself together, told myself it wasn’t as bad as i was making it an i was ok

Just as i crossed the road to turn into near where i lived, two boys came from a neighbouring estate, at first i thought one was saying come here to a friend, but actually he was shouting queer at me, that was ok at first until he started adding the word basterd an then saying i was specky, specky long haired basterd, i laugh now because its so stupid, he could have tried a lot harder an said a lot worse, an all those things are mostly true, although my hair isnt really long, just longer than those army type cuts they all get, the scary part was the anger in his voice, sometimes, as anxious as i am i would shout fuck off or something, but last night i had visions of them running up behind me so i stayed quiet 

It did get me down, i did feel worthless an like doing something silly, but im stronger than i once was, an i wont allow them to scare me, or stop me from going out etc now that ive come so far, ive never been a fighter like my brothers, ive never done anything wrong to anyone, im quiet an keep to myself, but that means little to some people in life

Though i wont be going out at night for a while, i wish the doctor could see all this and understand how hard it is an can be

Im tired of hearing, ignore them, be the bigger person, if they are calling you names they’re leaving someone else alone, Its easy to say when you have no idea what its like

Support from my family is lacking, but i know im not alone, we all have our own lives an problems, but sometimes they make me feel miserable too

My younger brother again fell out with his girlfriend, was drinking an had to stay with us, i was told how grey my hair was an that i have a double chin now as ive gained weight, makes you feel loved right? when even your family criticises you, i dyed my hair today, but it wasnt even that bad, they just pick at every flaw an it drives me crazy sometimes

My older brother has left rehab an is now in independent living, hes just away home after two weeks of living back with our aunt, lying that there was a family emergency an had to come home, really a girl that had been in his rehab was on the run from the police after breaking her bail conditions an she needed a place to hide for a while, she an my brother are sort of together, casually… She was handing herself in last i heard

In the mean time hes started taking pain killers an muscle relaxers, trading one addiction for another

My aunt is now running around an sleeping with a childhood friend, coming back after smoking joints an covered in love bites… My Mums arthritis is getting worse an i feel for her, but i cant listen to her talk about how sore her knee is anymore, i need to get away, this family is not healthy for me, im going crazy

I see the mental health team on the 8th of may, i need help cause i have no where to turn, I’ve  been worn down an im just tired of it all

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s