Just Let Me Breathe

I’m trying to use all the will power i have to just get through the days, life right now is so overwhelming, for some it would be nothing but i cant deal with anything right now

How many times have you asked yourself when will this end

Anything an everything is setting me off, my emotions are very unstable, i almost broke down in a bank appointment yesterday just because the woman was nice to me

I feel like im always tied to my past an my time in foster care, like im not allowed to move on, in the bank yesterday i finally got my address properly changed because it was still under the childrens home address, from 15 years ago! But there was never a real need to change it but now it has been, my claim against social services was settled two years ago, as was my brothers an i felt it was finally over, there was nothing left to tie me to my past 

But my brothers never let me move on or forget, i dont mind talking about it cause for me personally ive moved on, an choose to focus on the positives from that time, but it was my childhood so i cant not talk about it at times

My two brothers are drunk as usual, an they fell out an rang me, my older brother bringing up an old welfare report from like 20 years ago, when either i or my younger brother had told social services that our older brother was trying to kiss us… Wanting to know which one of us said it, how can i remember that far back, i was like 10-11, an why would i want too, regardless of who said it, how could i for example be held responsible for something i said as a child, we were all children

But thats what i get regularly, like my younger brother recently saying he was sexually abused an raped by staff members, its the first i heard of it, an i lived with him at the time, we told each other everything, was he lying for the court case, does he believe his own imagination i dont know, i do know him an the person he was back then

Yes at that time i did tell on my older brother (as you know my older brother got to stay at home) because he was a bully an used to hit us, try to suffocate me with pillows etc when we’d visit mum on a saturday, an i told them how he would physically assault our aunt constantly, his excuse being he thinks our aunt molested him as a child but cant actually remember it happening, of course im going to tell someone, our pasts are messy

They are both at our aunts, the older one got kicked out of his hostel but got into another one today, my younger brother an his girlfriend fell out again an he headbutted her, shes 2 months pregnant…

My mum and aunt were very badly depressed lately, both at the same time, mental illness runs in the family, my mum crying, an my aunt saying she was close to taking her own life, i get that an im sympathetic, i really am because ive been there myself, but i cant be around that, i dont want to keep hearing it, i dont want to deal with it, this family is too toxic and as i said im getting a place of my own, i have to get away for my own sanity

Tonight my brothers came to our house, they brought up the report, which i predicted,  were squaring up to fight each other, calling each other names, then starting on our neighbours, an pee’ing from the back door instead of going to the toilet, mum eventually had enough an threatened to phone the police if they didnt leave, they left, i had my aunt phoning me telling me she was suicidal again, i dont blame her for feeling that way, having to put up with that constantly, we only get a taste of it an it is not good for your state of mind

I want peace, i dread living alone though because i know when drunk my brothers will come banging on my door, or god forbid get into trouble again with the law an need a bail address an want to live with me, but i have to get away from this family i cant breathe, i feel trapped an they are making me ill

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Where now? Down the rabbit hole!

Life for me could be changing in a big way soon, by my standards at least

As you know my mum is on the waiting list for a bungalow, an could be offered a new place at anytime, when she does they said i would be given homeless points, which i hope will be enough to get a place of my own, as to be honest its no longer healthy in my mind to still be at home, i am 31 now, but what kept me here were a few reasons, i grew up in foster care, so ive been making up for lost time, i felt safe here, an i never felt ready, through my mental illness an fear of being alone 

But as i said, it feels right, as hard as it may be, i have to start thinking of a future, my future, which i havent allowed myself to do, you know yourself with mental illness like depression etc you can barely think or want to even think of tomorrow, let alone a year from now

Im just so done with life, im not going out as much an im eating none stop, im so tired but when i sleep i have nightmares an racing thoughts, i jump out of my sleep gasping for air, which the doctor says is parasomnia an not sleep apnea, i wake up an i feel almost hungover, my mind has become my biggest bully an my worst enemy

I feel worthless an lost, im paranoid an anxious, self conscious an depressed, im happy one minute an angry the next, i keep fogetting to take my medication so that doesnt help, how can you forget to take a tablet every morning, but then im confused a lot, dizzy, forgetful, im losing periods of time which doesnt help my paranoia

apart from this blog i dont complain an i barely allow people to really know how i feel, i smile i laugh but its hollow

I do talk to mum sometimes, i see the doctor an mental health team, ive had so many tests, physical an blood work, over the last two years, because i have somatic pain due to anxiety an it can mimic any illness, but all tests come back clear, which you would think is a good thing but now i try to avoid the doctors because i feel like im seen as a hypochondriac an not taken seriously 

they keep telling me to go out more, like its a cure, i do try, i was going out every day for a while until as i told you i was badly abused verbally by a group of boys, as you know i also have a form of social phobia, so things like that make graded exposure harder to do, they need to understand as i said im 31, ive been around a while now an ive tried, i havent just given up but i just cant deal with it an why should i if it takes too much out of me

Anyway, i told you my older brother had left rehab to go to independent living in belfast, he had a party in the flat an they kicked him out, he moved home to our aunts again but then decided to go back to belfast an live in a hostel, maybe our aunts was to much of a reminder of his past, i dont know, but then he left the hostel an moved in with a girl he met at rehab, was drinking on an off, spent a night on the streets, being taken to hospital for his own safety cause he was walking out in front of cars, an threatening to kill himself

Now hes back at our aunts as he caught a bad flu or something, all the while buying an taking those nerve damage medication lyrica or something like that…. 

My younger brother was living with us for a while there as he too was drinking an fell out with his girlfriend again, that includes going to belfast to drink with our older brother, why his girlfriend keeps taking him back i dont know, but then she just found out shes pregnant with their second child

This is another reason why i need to move, i cant deal with the stress of being around my family its too toxic, its not my house so i have no say, but our mum is too soft, she can talk a big game but never follows through an they know that

I feel for my mum, but i cant listen to her complain anymore about pain, she has arthritis, an i get the whole pain thing, but i feel she puts her illness above others an its not a competition, i may sound cruel, but she can still do everything like she did before, but now it causes mild to moderate pain, or discomfort, an i understand that, but it adds to the negativity im surrounded by 

she only leaves the house for the doctors or to gamble,my step dad works his main job an two side jobs to make more money which my mum gambles a lot of, though she does always pay him back, eventually, an always gets what we need for the house first, but he always gives in an i feel hes become a passive aggressive ticking timebomb, who in my opinion has become too close to the dog, almost unhealthy so, not in a creepy way, just too much at times  

Like i said before we are the mr men of crazy