Where now? Down the rabbit hole!

Life for me could be changing in a big way soon, by my standards at least

As you know my mum is on the waiting list for a bungalow, an could be offered a new place at anytime, when she does they said i would be given homeless points, which i hope will be enough to get a place of my own, as to be honest its no longer healthy in my mind to still be at home, i am 31 now, but what kept me here were a few reasons, i grew up in foster care, so ive been making up for lost time, i felt safe here, an i never felt ready, through my mental illness an fear of being alone 

But as i said, it feels right, as hard as it may be, i have to start thinking of a future, my future, which i havent allowed myself to do, you know yourself with mental illness like depression etc you can barely think or want to even think of tomorrow, let alone a year from now

Im just so done with life, im not going out as much an im eating none stop, im so tired but when i sleep i have nightmares an racing thoughts, i jump out of my sleep gasping for air, which the doctor says is parasomnia an not sleep apnea, i wake up an i feel almost hungover, my mind has become my biggest bully an my worst enemy

I feel worthless an lost, im paranoid an anxious, self conscious an depressed, im happy one minute an angry the next, i keep fogetting to take my medication so that doesnt help, how can you forget to take a tablet every morning, but then im confused a lot, dizzy, forgetful, im losing periods of time which doesnt help my paranoia

apart from this blog i dont complain an i barely allow people to really know how i feel, i smile i laugh but its hollow

I do talk to mum sometimes, i see the doctor an mental health team, ive had so many tests, physical an blood work, over the last two years, because i have somatic pain due to anxiety an it can mimic any illness, but all tests come back clear, which you would think is a good thing but now i try to avoid the doctors because i feel like im seen as a hypochondriac an not taken seriously 

they keep telling me to go out more, like its a cure, i do try, i was going out every day for a while until as i told you i was badly abused verbally by a group of boys, as you know i also have a form of social phobia, so things like that make graded exposure harder to do, they need to understand as i said im 31, ive been around a while now an ive tried, i havent just given up but i just cant deal with it an why should i if it takes too much out of me

Anyway, i told you my older brother had left rehab to go to independent living in belfast, he had a party in the flat an they kicked him out, he moved home to our aunts again but then decided to go back to belfast an live in a hostel, maybe our aunts was to much of a reminder of his past, i dont know, but then he left the hostel an moved in with a girl he met at rehab, was drinking on an off, spent a night on the streets, being taken to hospital for his own safety cause he was walking out in front of cars, an threatening to kill himself

Now hes back at our aunts as he caught a bad flu or something, all the while buying an taking those nerve damage medication lyrica or something like that…. 

My younger brother was living with us for a while there as he too was drinking an fell out with his girlfriend again, that includes going to belfast to drink with our older brother, why his girlfriend keeps taking him back i dont know, but then she just found out shes pregnant with their second child

This is another reason why i need to move, i cant deal with the stress of being around my family its too toxic, its not my house so i have no say, but our mum is too soft, she can talk a big game but never follows through an they know that

I feel for my mum, but i cant listen to her complain anymore about pain, she has arthritis, an i get the whole pain thing, but i feel she puts her illness above others an its not a competition, i may sound cruel, but she can still do everything like she did before, but now it causes mild to moderate pain, or discomfort, an i understand that, but it adds to the negativity im surrounded by 

she only leaves the house for the doctors or to gamble,my step dad works his main job an two side jobs to make more money which my mum gambles a lot of, though she does always pay him back, eventually, an always gets what we need for the house first, but he always gives in an i feel hes become a passive aggressive ticking timebomb, who in my opinion has become too close to the dog, almost unhealthy so, not in a creepy way, just too much at times  

Like i said before we are the mr men of crazy

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s