Just Let Me Breathe

I’m trying to use all the will power i have to just get through the days, life right now is so overwhelming, for some it would be nothing but i cant deal with anything right now

How many times have you asked yourself when will this end

Anything an everything is setting me off, my emotions are very unstable, i almost broke down in a bank appointment yesterday just because the woman was nice to me

I feel like im always tied to my past an my time in foster care, like im not allowed to move on, in the bank yesterday i finally got my address properly changed because it was still under the childrens home address, from 15 years ago! But there was never a real need to change it but now it has been, my claim against social services was settled two years ago, as was my brothers an i felt it was finally over, there was nothing left to tie me to my past 

But my brothers never let me move on or forget, i dont mind talking about it cause for me personally ive moved on, an choose to focus on the positives from that time, but it was my childhood so i cant not talk about it at times

My two brothers are drunk as usual, an they fell out an rang me, my older brother bringing up an old welfare report from like 20 years ago, when either i or my younger brother had told social services that our older brother was trying to kiss us… Wanting to know which one of us said it, how can i remember that far back, i was like 10-11, an why would i want too, regardless of who said it, how could i for example be held responsible for something i said as a child, we were all children

But thats what i get regularly, like my younger brother recently saying he was sexually abused an raped by staff members, its the first i heard of it, an i lived with him at the time, we told each other everything, was he lying for the court case, does he believe his own imagination i dont know, i do know him an the person he was back then

Yes at that time i did tell on my older brother (as you know my older brother got to stay at home) because he was a bully an used to hit us, try to suffocate me with pillows etc when we’d visit mum on a saturday, an i told them how he would physically assault our aunt constantly, his excuse being he thinks our aunt molested him as a child but cant actually remember it happening, of course im going to tell someone, our pasts are messy

They are both at our aunts, the older one got kicked out of his hostel but got into another one today, my younger brother an his girlfriend fell out again an he headbutted her, shes 2 months pregnant…

My mum and aunt were very badly depressed lately, both at the same time, mental illness runs in the family, my mum crying, an my aunt saying she was close to taking her own life, i get that an im sympathetic, i really am because ive been there myself, but i cant be around that, i dont want to keep hearing it, i dont want to deal with it, this family is too toxic and as i said im getting a place of my own, i have to get away for my own sanity

Tonight my brothers came to our house, they brought up the report, which i predicted,  were squaring up to fight each other, calling each other names, then starting on our neighbours, an pee’ing from the back door instead of going to the toilet, mum eventually had enough an threatened to phone the police if they didnt leave, they left, i had my aunt phoning me telling me she was suicidal again, i dont blame her for feeling that way, having to put up with that constantly, we only get a taste of it an it is not good for your state of mind

I want peace, i dread living alone though because i know when drunk my brothers will come banging on my door, or god forbid get into trouble again with the law an need a bail address an want to live with me, but i have to get away from this family i cant breathe, i feel trapped an they are making me ill

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s