Just a little post to update

recently i had an appointment with the mental health team, it again was a social worker, a new one as the woman i had been seeing ramdomly left, personally i get annoyed because social workers arent normally trained in mental illness an they dont hide the fact they have no clue, but as ive requested not to see the psychiatrist, as to me his eyes are just hollow an hes robotic an i dont like him, i get the feeling we feel the same about each other 

But as i dont want to see him, i have to see people that are meant to report back to him, though nothing ever comes from it… Hes leaving soon an there will be a new psychiatrist, so theres light at the end of the tunnel there

This social worker, marcus, however was trained in dealing with anxiety, an i get im a sufferer of it, but thats all he focused on, i guess as thats all he knows, he offered me this six session course on anxiety, which for now ive decided not to go ahead with

I told him id like to do it in conjunction with counselling, to which he told me counselling was a step backwards, in my opinion you have to take a step forward in that respect to then go back which i havent been able to really do, an i think counselling is always beneficial, he starting saying how much it would change my life, an it may have but it was so self indulgent an off putting, dont get me wrong he was a nice man, but dont sell me a dream, if he had of said, it may not even help you, but its worth a try, i may have tried it

I know it sounds silly but i felt like i was being brain washed by a cult leader

I told him a little about my life, my family, how i was feeling, i cried etc i tried my best to be open, told him about the abuse i get sometimes from stangers… He thinks im anxious from past trauma, my childhood etc an that im sad, an that was it really, for now im signed out because im confused, i dont want to waste the mans time an i feel lost, i said id see my doctor first an come up with a plan

I go through days in a daze, to where i feel like someone else, an i dont even know where i am, dreams an memories become blurred, i get confused an have memory loss, im just trying to keep it together but ive had enough, thats what i told marcus, ive had enough, he just smiled an as i cried he left the room to get me info on anxiety, so yeah

Im just tired of the struggle, the physical an mental torment on a daily basis, and the toxic things and people that surround me, not to be morbid but my aunt an i visited my grandas grave recently as it was his memorial, looking around i thought life is so short, an this is how it ends, so sad, we only get one life and this is how im spending it, this, especially my granny, is not the life they would have wanted for me

i punish myself alot because as much as i complain here, i do really try

On a better note im on a diet, ive lost half a stone an ive quit smoking, just a week so far, an i have had the odd cig but i havent bought any myself, im trying at least, ive cleared out my room an got rid of a lot, its a cleansing moment im having