Where to begin

I haven’t written in a while, i’ve been caught up in many different worlds an minds that i kinda got lost…. So this is just a quick update

So where to begin… Well in my last post i wrote about my diet, if you read my blog you’ll know ive struggled with my weight an eating disorders from the age of about 14, i lasted about four months, i was doing keto, an it was going so well, at first i was keeping a diet book, just what id eaten an if i did my workout that day, just like a ten minute exercise thing id came up with

But then the book took a dark turn, i was writing pages of motivation to myself, horrible things, an writing lists of names to call myself before i ate etc i joined a pro ana website, an started watching eating disorder documentaries on youtube everyday to again motivate myself, after a while though i started to slip an treats an real food started to creep into my diet, so i started making myself sick, i was chewing food an spitting it out while also taking laxatives.. Or id starve, that only lasted a few weeks until i just gave up, i just couldnt take it anymore, so about 4 months or about 100 days i lasted, 3 months on an I’ve already gained back 2 stone of the weight, a lot of which would be water weight based on the diet i was doing, ive gone the opposite way now an back to bingeing 

It was a dark moment between obsession an self hatred, making me depressed an suicidal, ive been down that road many times, i just have to except that im never going to have a normal relationship with food

Right now im struggling between dieting an not sticking to it very well

If im honest, which i hadnt mentioned before, yes i was doing it for me an i cant lie it felt great looking at the scale an getting compliments etc but id met this guy online, as i said im open minded, love is were you find it etc 

But i got insecure, an thats mainly why i started the diet, we havent even met yet, so you see where i was coming from…  at first we lived about 4 hours apart, which to be honest for me was pushing it a little, an after last time i said i wouldnt meet someone online again, because we developed feelings first, an then in real life when we met there was no chemistry, for me at least.. So anyway, then he moved to england! Which at that point i should have called it quits, which i kind of did, i tried to be friends, an then maybe meet an see, while in the mean time live our lives, its too complicated for something thats basically only been lived on paper, if you know what i mean

But enough of that, cause at this point we barely speak, an the whole thing is ridiculous, i just never wanted to be someone who settled for what i thought i could get, because i hate myself so much that no one should have to be stuck with me, like im a punishment

its like my younger brother, an his relationship, sometimes you think its better to have someone than no one… 

His girlfriend gave birth to their second child, but they still fall out a lot, but no matter what they always keep getting back together, we all agree that she puts up with so much an after everything my brothers done, i dont see how there could be any love there, but like i said above…..

Hes having scans done now for his liver, because as i mentioned before, he has hepatitis, which he got while taking drugs, using a dirty straw from someone else or something like that, it must of had blood on it.. Hes turned up to his last two appointments where he was going to begin treatment drunk, an so now hes been pushed down the list, i dont think he gets how serious it is, his liver is scarred an hes in the early stages of jaundice, hes been warned while on treatment he cant drink at all for three months, but as i said he couldnt even go to his appointments sober

He doesnt drink while with his girlfriend, but once away from her an out of town either to come visit us or to go to an appointment, he drinks, he even causes fights between them as an excuse to leave so he can drink

My older brother lately has gone off the deep end, drinking everyday, an taking drugs, hes waiting to see about going to rehab shortly but in the mean time he’s moved out of town, hes living in a hostel, hes in an out of hospital for cutting himself, he almost drowned in a pond, he got kicked out of one hostel an spent the night in a sleeping bag in a graveyard! Hes falling an hurting himself, hes getting into fights, hes abusing his body so much the doctors have told him hes in the early stages of dementia, he may not even live past another year an hes only 34

Its like another day another drama

My mum has to go to hospital tomorrow for an mri because the cysts she has on her ovaries are growing, the doctors actually said one has teeth an hair, the blood tests came back clear, an so this mri scan i believe is because, after her c sections years ago, her womb is fused to her bowel, an as shes now headed for a hysterectomy, which in her case will be more complicated, they wanna see what they are dealing with first, and i guess to rule out cancer.. So its scary, all while dealing with the families crazy

I hope all goes well, theres never a dull moment but those moments arent happy ones