does good news ever come in a brown envelope.. Not for me
so once again the medical form comes, and the dread sets in, they give you about two weeks to have the form returned, but every time i tried to start my mind wouldnt let me, so with time running out, an about 3 days left before it was due back i forced myself to sit down an get it done, i didnt really have a choice
if you give enough information, you dont have to face an assessment, which i guess this time i didn’t..
Then the phone call comes, an i knew it was to arrange the assessment because if they dont need you to go to one you hear nothing until you recieve a letter telling you about what you’ve been awarded
there are two groups you can qualify for, the work group, which i guess they pay you while you look for a job or go to meetings etc an then theres the support group, which means you dont an also you get awarded more money.. That in itself induces so much anxiety, because you’re being judged on wether you are ill enough, an in a way its kind of humiliating..
So i get the call.. An im not feeling great, 3 nerves were dying in my teeth at the same time which had caused an abscess, i later found this out at the dentists.. i looked like a hamster or something, an was in a lot of pain, thats all been sorted now, thank god.. But i didnt have time for this women who started of sweet but you could tell secretly was a bitch
i tried to ask for a home visit, because thats what i had, an you can have with pip, or personal independent payment.. She said no, you can only quailfy for that if you’re a house bound person, which includes not even being able to go to a doctors appointment, which i can.. Which again is unfair, mental illness i feel is not taken as seriously as it should be, she said i could get a letter from my doctor, but if you read my posts you’ll know why i havent been seeing my doctor.. So they arrange the appointment, which of course is never nearby, an it changes towns everytime.. This time mine was in a town thats an hour an a half away by bus, an because my stepdad works i had no choice
if you know me, you know i have terrible anxiety an social phobia, i dont like being around strangers, or open spaces, an when my anxiety levels become out of control i can have episodes of depersonalisation
in the lead up to the day, i was having panic attacks, i felt sick an couldnt sleep.. An dealing with my stupid teeth, which was that bad they had to lance my gums to remove the puss etc.. I know gross.. But anyway
Stupid me decides to buy vodka, i did this the last time too, but thought i could control myself if i took less this time around.. Again not to get drunk just a bit to dull everything around me, because having a false sense of confidence is not a good idea in an assessment, so I’m on the bus, my aunt went with me, because i couldnt face it alone.. I felt fine.. Too fine an thats when i panic.. I had some diazepam in my pocket, because sometimes my younger brother gives me some for when im having a bad day.. My doctor is against them because they say they are addictive, never mind the fact i dont use them unless i need them an they sit in my room for weeks, but they wouldnt believe that if i told them
so i take four, an everythings fine the whole journey, but mixing them with alcohol was a bad idea, because i kept passing out, later i found out i had actually taken another three, which i dont remember doing, its like time was skipping an id be in places without knowing how i got there.. My aunt said i was staggering an slurring my words, but i felt like i was in a dream.. Everything was happening around me but its like i was watching from the outside looking in
the first thing the woman asked at the assessment was, have you been drinking, to which i said no, i was ashamed, but said i had taken medication to help me cope with the day, which was half true.. Little did i know at this point i had actually pee’d myself, thanks aunt for telling me after, even though she noticed it before an i hadnt.. I know gross..
I remember the woman asking me a few questions, an me crying, telling her i couldnt cope anymore, i had been bottling everything up for weeks an in that moment it all come flooding out.. next thing i know, two paramedics come in an tell me they are taking me to hospital, i explained i barely took anything, which really i hadnt.. But they started talking about liver failure, so here i am in this twilight haze, hearing this an thinking, what the hell is happening.. The assessment woman had taken my blood pressure before all this.. I was emotional etc i smoke an my diets not great, so if it was high, no wonder
Of course i refuse because i just want to go home, did they think i overdosed? Even though i wasnt showing any sign of it, an never said i took a lot, i guess falling asleep in the waiting room didnt help matters.. did they think i was at risk to my own safety? Or did they just over react.. Before i left they told my aunt i wasnt mentally stable.. So as i said i refuse, to which they say they are going to phone the police.. I say im leaving an they cant stop me, i tell the assessment lady she can fail me if she wants an i get up an leave.. Because if the police had come they would have forced me to go with them against my will
later my aunt phoned the police to tell them i was fine an nothing comes of it, it was a long strange day, for which im to blame, but i also blame the people at esa for forcing me to do things that i thought i needed to do to cope, i hadnt drank much but the mixing of medication and anxiety didnt help, all triggering i believe, some kind of episode.. Because once we left the assessment i was normal again
they do say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over an over again, expecting a different result
now i dont know what will happen, i guess i just have to wait an see