The Looming Shadow Of ESA #2

does good news ever come in a brown envelope.. Not for me

so once again the medical form comes, and the dread sets in, they give you about two weeks to have the form returned, but every time i tried to start my mind wouldnt let me, so with time running out, an about 3 days left before it was due back i forced myself to sit down an get it done, i didnt really have a choice

if you give enough information, you dont have to face an assessment, which i guess this time i didn’t..

Then the phone call comes, an i knew it was to arrange the assessment because if they dont need you to go to one you hear nothing until you recieve a letter telling you about what you’ve been awarded

there are two groups you can qualify for, the work group, which i guess they pay you while you look for a job or go to meetings etc an then theres the support group, which means you dont an also you get awarded more money.. That in itself induces so much anxiety, because you’re being judged on wether you are ill enough, an in a way its kind of humiliating..

So i get the call.. An im not feeling great, 3 nerves were dying in my teeth at the same time which had caused an abscess, i later found this out at the dentists.. i looked like a hamster or something, an was in a lot of pain, thats all been sorted now, thank god.. But i didnt have time for this women who  started of sweet but you could tell secretly was a bitch

i tried to ask for a home visit, because thats what i had, an you can have with pip, or personal independent payment.. She said no, you can only quailfy for that if you’re a house bound person, which includes not even being able to go to a doctors appointment, which i can.. Which again is unfair, mental illness i feel is not taken as seriously as it should be, she said i could get a letter from my doctor, but if you read my posts you’ll know why i havent been seeing my doctor.. So they arrange the appointment, which of course is never nearby, an it changes towns everytime.. This time mine was in a town thats an hour an a half away by bus, an because my stepdad works i had no choice

if you know me, you know i have terrible anxiety an social phobia, i dont like being around strangers, or open spaces, an when my anxiety levels become out of control i can have episodes of depersonalisation

in the lead up to the day, i was having panic attacks, i felt sick an couldnt sleep.. An dealing with my stupid teeth, which was that bad they had to lance my gums to remove the puss etc.. I know gross.. But anyway

Stupid me decides to buy vodka, i did this the last time too, but thought i could control myself if i took less this time around.. Again not to get drunk just a bit to dull everything around me, because having a false sense of confidence is not a good idea in an assessment, so I’m on the bus, my aunt went with me, because i couldnt face it alone.. I felt fine.. Too fine an thats when i panic.. I had some diazepam in my pocket, because sometimes my younger brother gives me some for when im having a bad day.. My doctor is against them because they say they are addictive, never mind the fact i dont use them unless i need them an they sit in my room for weeks, but they wouldnt believe that if i told them

so i take four, an everythings fine the whole journey, but mixing them with alcohol was a bad idea, because i kept passing out, later i found out i had actually taken another three, which i dont remember doing, its like time was skipping an id be in places without knowing how i got there.. My aunt said i was staggering an slurring my words, but i felt like i was in a dream.. Everything was happening around me but its like i was watching from the outside looking in

the first thing the woman asked at the assessment was, have you been drinking, to which i said no, i was ashamed, but said i had taken medication to help me cope with the day, which was half true.. Little did i know at this point i had actually pee’d myself, thanks aunt for telling me after, even though she noticed it before an i hadnt.. I know gross..

I remember the woman asking me a few questions, an me crying, telling her i couldnt cope anymore, i had been bottling everything up for weeks an in that moment it all come flooding out.. next thing i know, two paramedics come in an tell me they are taking me to hospital, i explained i barely took anything, which really i hadnt.. But they started talking about liver failure, so here i am in this twilight haze, hearing this an thinking, what the hell is happening.. The assessment woman had taken my blood pressure before all this.. I was emotional etc i smoke an my diets not great, so if it was high, no wonder

Of course i refuse because i just want to go home, did they think i overdosed? Even though i wasnt showing any sign of it, an never said i took a lot, i guess falling asleep in the waiting room didnt help matters..  did they think i was at risk to my own safety? Or did they just over react.. Before i left they told my aunt i wasnt mentally stable.. So as i said i refuse, to which they say they are going to phone the police.. I say im leaving an they cant stop me, i tell the assessment lady she can fail me if she wants an i get up an leave.. Because if the police had come they would have forced me to go with them against my will

later my aunt phoned the police to tell them i was fine an nothing comes of it, it was a long strange day, for which im to blame, but i also blame the people at esa for forcing me to do things that i thought i needed to do to cope, i hadnt drank much but the mixing of medication and anxiety didnt help, all triggering i believe, some kind of episode.. Because once we left the assessment i was normal again

they do say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over an over again, expecting a different result

now i dont know what will happen, i guess i just have to wait an see

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Its Been A While

Its been a whole year since i updated this blog.. An its been a long year! Ive read my last post to see where i left off.. So i’ll try my best to catch you up

so last time we spoke.. I had been struggling back an forward on the keto diet, yes i was seeing great results, but i wasnt happy, i wasnt doing it for the right reasons, i had met this guy.. Online.. An my insecurities took over, the diet eventually, with me it always does, got out of hand, with me keeping a diet book to record what i ate but also filled with abuse directed at myself as motivation, near the end i was making myself throw up after eating an was taking laxatives.. I had even joined a site that promoted anorexia, so it wasnt a healthy place

since all that, the guy an i dont speak, we just ended things, which is weird because we never actually met, an that wont make a lot of sense for some people, it doesnt really make sense to me either if im honest, an I’m an open book on here an people like details, so lets break it down, if anything you can laugh at the fact that your life isnt as pathetic as mine

As you know, im open minded, or pansexual if you need a label, basically its not seeing gender and its about wanting something deeper than just sex etc.. Anyway.. At first i wasnt looking for a relationship, i guess i just signed up to these dating sites out of curiosity, and because of my anxiety an social phobia it made it easier.. i don’t really have a type, but i am drawn to people of different nationalities to my own.. So i eventually saw this indian/asian guy.. Sorry if thats not the right terminology i should use,  we got to talking, an i think thats all i really wanted, someone to talk to, maybe a new friend etc an he was already in a relationship so that was great, no expectations beyond a potential friendship, not another guy looking for naked photos or for nsa, which a lot do

over time i got the feeling that this guy was someone i could see myself having feelings for, an though he lived what would be a four hour trip away, it was still possible.. I think when i first realised it, an it might sound silly, was one day i was texting him when i suddenly got caught in a bad hail storm, an he was worried incase i got hurt, i thought that was really sweet.. Over time he became single again.. An we started talking about the possibility of us meeting up.. By now we both liked each other i guess

The plan was for me to travel there, an maybe stay for a couple of days, which would be hard for me, but i was willing to, because we had this connection that for me is rare.. but i knew i had to be realistic, ive been hurt before an didnt wanna risk being so again, an we hadnt even met yet, so one day i suggested we meet half way, an spend the day together, which to me is fair.. But he didnt like that, an got angry at me for even suggesting it, like i had betrayed him in some way, which should have been a red flag, but at the time i felt like it was my fault because it was my idea, an idea that came from my own fears

we eventually made up, an as you know he moved to england, so now that would involve me having to get a boat! To see someone for the first time.. Even though i hadnt admitted it to myself, i knew at that point it was over, an with my diet spiralling an my personal life an mental illness etc i wasnt in a good place anyway, but i clung to this fantasy in my head stupidly, because in my deluded mind it was the only good thing in my life.. Even though it wasnt real, i was always the one expected to travel, an to pay for a hotel etc.. He never even offered, an then i was made to feel bad for not making enough effort, an all my truths sounded like excuses.. I Feel like if you really cared for someone, an had formed something real it wouldnt be so easy to move on, which for me it was..

How you can have real feelings for someone you’ve never met i dont know really, i guess sharing your life with someone on a daily basis, over the phone an on social media makes it seem like you have something that you actually dont.. So thats that basically, an since then i havent used any dating site an barely use social media anymore

Moving on.. For a long time now ive cut ties with my doctor and mental health services because all you do is repeat yourself over an over again an you stall… Its like a groundhog day type limbo.. An my doctor makes me feel like a hypochondriac, even the thought of seeing them gives me anxiety, when they are the ones you should be getting help for anxiety from

family drama makes up a big part my life as you know, an ive had people message me saying it helps them to read about mine so here it is..

Its been a few months now, but my mum is almost fully recovered from surgery, the first one as i think i mentioned before was for a hysterectomy, because she was bleeding an had cysts on her ovaries, because she had c-sections with all three of us, parts of her insides are fused together, so they couldn’t remove everything, as a result of that surgery, it caused a blockage in her small bowel an she had to go back to have another operation to have it removed.. An infection set it an burst the staples in her wound, which left it open, an she had to be hooked up to a vac.. Which is a device that drains an helps pull the wound together an heal better, but shes now left with a sort of dip in her abdomen, an has no belly button as a result, for which shes having therapy for because its affected her bad mentally

My older brother is about to enter rehab for the 3rd time, for alcohol abuse an also for abusing muscle relaxants, i hope he tries this time an makes it work.. My younger brother on the other hand continues to be a mess.. He an his girlfriend finally called it quits, im surprised it didnt happen a lot sooner to be honest, now to see his children it has to be at his exes mothers house.. she has also since taken out a molestation order against him.. Horrible name for it but basically its like a restraining order of sorts, after they broke up he showed up at her house drunk an i guess she pretended she wasnt home, but could hear him talking through the door, the creepy part was he was talking to himself but as though there was someone else with him..

Saying he was going to break in, go to her room an strangle her in her sleep, when hes drunk an asks to stay at our house because he has nowhere else to go im glad mum says no, because i have this horrible thought of waking up an him standing over me with a knife, would he, probably not but that thought is always there an it scares me, im pretty sure hes up in court soon for breaching his bail.. As cruel as it sounds, prison is probably not a bad idea for him right now, because the drinking is out of control an he refuses to admit theres a problem, an no matter what he does, in his eyes, hes always the victim

my next post, which i will try to have up soon, will actually be about my drama.. Mostly surrounding my latest assessment for esa benefits.. I know some people like to read about them before having to face one themselves..

Anyway this is just a quick update for now, an i’ll try to post more often