Truth Set Free

Today I woke up, an I felt a little better, but I knew it wouldn’t be long before the darkness set in again, an I was right

This is the worst depression I’ve ever felt, an its the strongest my mental illness has ever been, I don’t know what triggered it, perhaps I just gave up trying anymore

Walking around town today with family, I realised how much I hate this place now, how it never really felt like home to me, an how I’d love to just get away, I have this longing inside, to just be free

I saw the doctor today, Dr,H, he listened, more than usual anyway, I told him everything, how my mind is out of control, the things I’m seeing, the voices, the anger, the evil thoughts, how I have urges to hurt people/myself, my depersonalisation, but most of all how scared I am, i told him how it was my birthday next monday, an I just wanted to stay stable till then, then I’d decide how to go forward from there

He phoned the mental health team for advice, but most of them where busy in a meeting, the man he did talk to just advised to up my dose of seroquel, but that it wouldn’t do much for the psychotic symptoms, an that I’ll have an emergency appointment sometime next week

Before I left, the doctor told me to ring in, in a couple of days to see how I’m doing, an got me to phone my mum, so he could tell her to monitor my tablets, an to keep them away from me

I just want to enjoy my birthday, as bad as things are, I wouldn’t want to be hospitalised before then, so I’ll give myself until tuesday, an see what happens I guess, an hopefully my birthday post will be a happy one for all of you for a change

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Where The Dark Path Leads

I don’t know what is going on inside my head, I can’t control the voices anymore, they talk at will an have conversations that I’m not a part of, its strange to even be writing this, it feels so unnatural

There seems to be four voices, my own, the kind helpful one, the nasty one, then there’s tylar, who I don’t really understand, he is the impulsive, live for today, cold hearted, rebellious one, it was a part of me that I created as an escape from being myself, an now has taken on a life of its own, which is messed up in itself

Each day now its like my thoughts are the ones living my life, making me think the most horrible, evil thoughts, aside from that, I’ll simply be spending time with my family for example, but inside I’ll be thinking, ‘if I wasn’t here anymore, would I miss any of this, would I miss them’, an the answer is no, I wouldn’t, its like I’m now test driving my own life, like my life has been taken out of my hands

I have this strange feeling inside, like I feel, an I know its my time to go, its as if you just know its your time, I don’t choose to think an feel this way, an I’m not saying that I’m planning anything, its just there everyday now, an everyday that passes makes me feel more an more like I don’t belong

I’m just so unhappy, I can’t cope, I can’t even stand to look at myself anymore, I’m always so angry, I don’t even remember who I used be anymore, I’ve lived so much of my life in the almost 27 years of it

There is so much to live for an experience in life, but in bed at night, you’ll always be reminded of how you really feel, with no distractions, for me this is no longer a life, not anymore, its just an existence

No one knows how I feel, its been exhausting keeping up an act, although today I did confide in my mum again, to which I didn’t get much response, just an ‘I know its hard’… Its not her fault, I guess she does the best she knows how

I see the mental health team very soon, an I’m in two minds as of what to do, tell all an hope for the best, or go on with my life, an whatever happens, happens…

Going Off The Deep End

Day 。。。Whatever day it is 。。。Of this, I don’t know, mini freak out/breakdown

I’m reaching the end of my rope, I really am, I was so close to phoning life line 。。。Then I thought, why? 。。。anyone in the mental health team only makes me even more frustrated when dealing with them, they can talk, yeah, perhaps sign you in somewhere for help, but I’m always deemed mentally stable enough when I’ve been reviewed, an then let go

What also annoys me is, they have my aunts phone number, as a back up, so they always phone her, an I’d rather ‘go quietly’ if I had to, than others being brought into the loop of, well loopy!

So short of actually killing myself, or trying to, I know I’m on my own, though i haven’t reached out to anyone for quite a while, I’m afraid of becoming the, ‘oh its him again’ boy, I’d rather them want to help me, than feel obligated to

I tried to go out today, just to the shop, just to get out, I’m dying being inside, the four walls of my room feel like a prison, a place where the voices, fear, frustration, anger, paranoia an thoughts of self harm can fester away inside me

It was one of the most uncomfortable days ever, I was scared, an anxious, I felt trapped an alone, the voices only strengthened my fear, by feeding me unhelpful thoughts, an I had no where to hide, I had to ride it out in panic until I got back home again

I don’t like being alone, but at the same time, I can’t stand to be around anyone right now, everything they say, an everything they do irritates me, so maybe its better, for now, that i’m feeling how I am, I stay to myself, stay in control , where no one can see, an nothing can trigger me any further into this strange spiral

I wish I could just cry, you might ask, why would you want to cry, well for me, its like a release of everything that builds up inside, but unless I open myself up an allow everything to flow free, I can’t, an its a dangerous place to let the mind go to

I’d love to know what’s happening to me, its like my mind has become stronger than me, an I can’t control what’s happening, I’ve tried, I’m doing what I feel is best, but for how much longer can I keep it up

I have a personal trainer booked for next week, a little more exercise might help me feel a lot better 。。。Or so I’m told, we’ll see 。。。

I’m Only Human

Its a new year 。。。an i do have big hopes for this year, exactly what I posted before, but like you, I am human

Already I haven’t been taking my medication properly, an I’ve been having bad withdrawal symptoms, I’ve started taking them again today, I couldn’t handle it anymore, but with just taking the seroquel before that, I’ve been like a zombie, sleeping in until maybe half two, maybe longer in the day

On top of that, I can’t stop eating, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m always hungry, an I can’t get full sometimes, I was also meant to be quitting smoking, an I’ve already sneaked out an bought cigarettes, which I’m smoking in secret, I know I’m old enough to do what I want, but I’ve quit with a couple of other people, so I’ve failed already, I will though… I hope

I’ve picked up those bad habits from last year, I just need more will power, an a bit more self control, I hope I can be the leopard who changes his spots

Though, those things are minor in the bigger picture, its my fractured mind that scares me the most, an will be the biggest challenge to overcome, or at least get to grips with

Inside I feel like I’ve put so much pressure on myself, all I can hear is, ‘change, change, change’ 。。。’you’ll never change’ 。。。’You’re losing time’ 。。。’You’re a failure, an you’ll fail again, like you always do’ 。。。its starting to show through my nightmares every night lately

Today just walking to the shop, ‘the voices’ wouldn’t leave me alone, ‘Everyone’s looking at you’ 。。。In my mind I was running, but on the outside I was putting on the ‘I’m normal’ act, I couldn’t wait to just get in an lock the door

I think the lack of medication was to blame, the tablet that helps to control my social phobia, its called ‘duloxetine 。。。Its ok but withdrawal is horrible, its like electric currents being passed through my body, although its not the best medication, its the one tablet from my past, that I’ve noticed works a little, sadly you can only take 60mg of it, when you first start taking it, it can mimic mania, maybe that’s why I liked it

We can’t expect to change over night, I guess when I looked at myself, in a world where I want change, its not as easy as I thought it would be, mental Illness limits our life, but I’m not going to let it control mine

A Tear Falls Forever Inside A Broken Heart

~ “A heart that’s broken is lonely, a cold an dark place where only bitterness grows” ~

(This post is about a couple of people, but all woven into one ~ my heart doesn’t have a voice of its own, but if it did I know what it would want to say to them)

Do you remember me, do you think of me sometimes, or am I just a memory you’d rather forget

I think it would hurt more if I knew you’d forgotten me, because the way I feel has never changed

Why do I waste my time trying to make you jealous, or trying to replace you, maybe to fix the hole you left in my heart

I felt hurt, and betrayed… But that was ok for you because you had someone else who healed your heart

Did you think about how I felt, no, I didn’t think you did

All the lies you fed me, I trusted you, but you didn’t want to know as soon as things got too real

Was it so easy for you to move on, because you seem so happy without me in your life

I’m happy that you found someone who loves you, maybe even more than I ever could

You never gave me the chance, so I guess we’ll never know

~ “Time heals all wounds, but you cut me deep, you drank the poison, but I died” ~